Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

Me too, so boring reading the same ‘I’m more shocked he’s going on holiday’ comments than actual advice.

personally though OP, I think neither side is unreasonable. You also fancy a couple days away and the change of scenery would be nice, so you’re not unreasonable to ask.

However, DH and his friends probably aren’t all that impressed that the new girl is going either, it was probably intended to be a ‘uni’ trip and the more partners and people who go from outside that circle just doesn’t match the atmosphere. So I wouldn’t be hurt by his decision to say no.

Could you book a nice little b&b somewhere for yourself either inbetween his holidays or when he’s away too?

You’re grossly underestimating how incredibly hard it will be that freshly postpartum but also how selfish he’d be to go on the trip in Feb. That’s why you’re getting the comments.

He obviously just doesn’t want you there. Yes that’s hurtful. But what can you do about it? You had a baby with someone who thinks these types of trips with a newborn are acceptable.

I wonder if the group would prefer that no partners came, but then an exception was made for the “known” partner and then that led to another exception and now they see the nature of the trip changing?

(DH went away when ds1 was 4 months old, I was deeply relaxed about it)

It would have been better if he said, let’s wait and see if you want to come on trip for a couple of days, but I suspect, as you’ve done your 30th with friends, he also just wants it to be friends and he couldn’t actually say was the real reason, it would bug me, he needs to say it as it is.

I do think it’s fine to be hurt by his reasons. Can you not just relax with a book while they play sports? Is there a spa?

I do think it’s shitty that he gets two holidays and you got one.

Will there be a family holiday as well or are his two trips his leave done?

If you have just turned 30, I presume you’re the only ones with dcs. Might they be scared you will bring the baby?

I think you might not be super keen leave a 7 month old overnight (which could involve pumping milk and then pumping while you are there) for a trip that's probably not your cup of tea. You might be super up for it but you won't know yet how you'll feel.

I think it's annoying that they invited some of the partners and not all but as long as you are getting your own break later in the year it's not a huge deal.
Parenthood is full of making compromises about going to things and weighing up what is worth going to . DH and I have both done trips on our own and it's definitely been good for our sanity/ marriage. He definitely went away when they were small babies and I was fine.

Sorry just seen you aren’t the only ones with children! You might find that some do, but it’s rarely whole weeks when dcs are young. Apart from anything else, you often need to save your leave for school holiday cover, when both parents work it’s the norm that drop offs and pick ups from childcare is shared, one parent being away for a work week causes problems for the other if their work hours are based round the other parent doing one or both side of childcare run.

Without sounding harsh, as someone that plays a lot of tennis, it’s really annoying if you play doubles and one of the players is not on the same level. If you’ve gone away specifically to do sports you want to do them properly.

Its not his decision. He doesnt decide what you get to do and he certainly doesnt get to be rude to you.

Everyone I know has separate holidays - honestly it’s the only way sometimes when you have a child - better that the child gets to stay with one parent and the other is rested every now and then. You are still people in their own rights not just parents.

we are in our 40’s btw. My mother in law thinks it’s wild that we go away separately - the way she says it I feel sorry for her and her life. She could never possibly spend a night apart from her husband. Tragic!!!

Clearly your husband and his friends (and at least 2 of the girlfriends) are sporty. The holiday sounds like sporting activities will be the main focus, and you don't appear to be particularly sporty. OK, so you're not bad at tennis, but the rest? Be honest with yourself. Is this a holiday you would choose? I'm not sporty, and this would be my worst nightmare!! Is your husband perhaps trying to make you understand, that you wouldn't enjoy the holiday, rather than not wanting you to come? There's no point in you going, if you aren't going to enjoy it, and embrace the activities.

Did you invite DH to join you and your friends on your 30th trip last year? Is DH invited to join you on the hen-do in August?

If the answer is no - then it’s not unreasonable that he wants to have a trip away with his friends without you.

He does get to decide if I go on holiday with his friends, I can’t just invite myself!

I would be offended too. You didn't say you wanted to show everyone how it's done ffs. You just wanted to join in the fun from the sidelines. Sounds like you being pregnant has made him think of you as less than everyone else. Why? What was his parent's relationship like? He's probably worried that he may have to care for the baby too, and he's planning on just having fun, without distractions.

Is there a way that he could have said no I don't want you there that wouldn't hurt your feelings? If your dh asked to go away with you and your friends and then sulked when you said no how would you feel? You put him in an awkward position where the only 'right' answer was yes of course you can come despite how he feels. So were you actually asking if you could go or were you demanding that he takes you with him?

Good grief people are dramatic, I don’t know how they think military wives cope when their partners go away for months at a time, yes even with young babies, and that’s just one niche example.

Anyway OP, it does seem a bit of a shame, you’d think he’d be happy you were there. It’s odd he doesn’t want 2 important parts of his life to mesh, I think all you can do is sit him down and try to get to the bottom of how he’s feeling. See if there’s any evidence for the excuse he’s given, or if there’s something else on his mind.

Ok.. so what’s the issue with you not being invited then? You’re both having separate holidays, which in your opinion is totally fine, but also you’re cross that you’re not invited on his?

I am really shocked that so many women admit that they would struggle alone with their newborn on this site. You know lots of women, especially women who arent wealthy, look after their babies totally alone from day 1.

If certain men in power saw these comments, they wouldn't allow us to be single mothers. Definitely no IVF without a partner.

She said clearly it is because he said she's shit at sports

I think it's more odd that a partner is going. I'm a lot older so I have had my 30s, 40s and 50s uni trips and no partners, did do trips with partner too. The new born one is probably the one that I would raise an eyebrow about, but you are fine with that. Did any partners go on your 30th trip ?

Do you go away as a family too though? Or are holidays only for adults? If the latter, I could see her point.

DH and I often have separate holidays, actually moreso after children as he prefers things like camping, music festivals etc.

I couldn’t get past the “only sporty women allowed” vibe though.

Why exactly will OP be 'wondering what he's up to with these sporty girls'!!!

The sporty women in question are the partners of two of his friends. I don't think there's any implication he will be trying to have an affair with them?

Honestly.

Frankly OP, I think this is a case where it's hurtful but also true. The holiday probably isn't your bag, and if you go on it there will likely be compromises around how the time is spent when you are there. Your DH may not mind that in a scenario where the holiday is just for you two, but may be aware others will mind, and doesn't want tension. Rather than acknowledging this and dealing with it and accepting a few days away from the main crowd on the holiday he's taken the easier (but hurtful) route of saying don't come.

I think don't go. Enjoy your break with your sister, and get planning a second as you have one owed!

I think its understandable you feel hurt. I suspect DH has an idea life is about to change and wants to enjoy his time and is worried (perhaps unnecessarily) that if its not your thing he will need to prioritise your comfort over his fun.

You seem to have a decent, supportive relationship where hes prepared to take his turn of childcare - so talk to him about how you feel

She can’t firmly defend the idea of separate holidays when actually she’s getting upset that she’s not invited.
If you’re having a holiday separate to your partner, then there is some reason you don’t want them there - they won’t enjoy it, they’ll change the “vibe”, you’re looking forward to just being with your friends. All totally fine, but easy to come across as a bit hurtful if your partner (who has previously said they’re totally fine with separate holidays) then starts asking why they can’t come.