Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

But OP is planning on going away for four nights around the same time so it isn't particularly unfair.

Yeah you can, when you’re queen of the world you can implement laws to ban parents from ever leaving their child with the other parent. But until that day, yeah, yeah we can.

I think you're under estimating the power of babies OP.

Is this your first baby OP? You and husband have no idea how you'll feel, what kind of birth you will have and whether you'll want to leave your offspring much in the first year.

Tell him he's hurt your feelings and you're allowed to be hurt. That you feel like he doesn't want you around to cramp his style.

Are these types of holiday really your thing, if you're honest with yourself? I go on physically challenging holidays and there's no way my husband would enjoy it, so he doesn't come. I honestly wouldn't want to feel like I needed to look after him.

I’m basing it on what all of our friends, our siblings, cousins etc. have done. Of everyone we know all of them have left their child with the other parent for a holiday within the first year. My cousin had a 4 month old she left with her husband for 4 days to join us in Mykonos for my sisters 21st!
It seems more common in my circle than on here.

That’s fine, if we change our mind, he just won’t go!
Its not a blood oath, he can just change his mind a month before, a week before, or the day of, it’s not that deep!

Agree. He should he at home supporting his WIFE and his newborn BABY!!

Doesn't matter, you're still allowed to be hurt.

However, just because like that in your circle, doesn't mean you'll be the same. But that's separate to how your husband has made you feel. You need a chat about that or it'll eat away at you.

I’m going on holiday without him and baby too.

I don’t believe being a parent means you have to give up your friends or life as an individual.

As a woman, that's only going to go one way for you- badly. You qont believe me til you have your baby but you won't want to be separated frequently for holidays and will soon get fed up of flipping your life around the baby while DH carries on insisting the narrative that the baby has simply slotted into your life.

How many of your female friends are buggering off on a weeks holiday while their DHs take annual leave to run the home? Be honest. More to the point, how many of DHs friends are staying home while their wives do that? Because his friends are his benchmark for acceptable behaviour.

Op it’s great you have holiday plans. Ignore all the babies are hard work brigade. Are you going away as a family at all? And yes when you have a baby on holiday that does make a difference but just have to
roll with the new life.
As for the sporty holiday, why has the new partner got an invite? Did she kick off I wonder? Is there space for you or are you mucking up rooms etc. As for the sporty bit, assuming it’s somewhere sunny, as a new mum I would be reserving my spot on the sunbed for 2 days. My sport would be reading!
And I would love to see the MN reaction when you, shock horror, leave baby with grandparents for the weekend. I think we did from when they were 1. They have both survived the trauma and have turned out to be well adjusted young adults.

Not necessarily booking yourself on it, but telling him whilst you note his concerns, you still want to come, and tell him to book you on. Would he still refuse to book you on the trip? I’d be furious if he did…

Hopefully, your newborn baby will be as chill as you are OP. Trouble is, life has a sneaky way of not going quite the way we plan. Also your DH and his mates sound like a bunch of wankers tbh.

Not many mothers are happy to leave their young babies in the first year, so yes OP, your circle do sound rather unusual.

Yes I'd be annoyed by that.You are only asking to come for a couple of days. Would be good tennis practice for you. And other partners are invited. I'd probably let it go but make it clear I'm coming to the next group trip.I found once our group all started having babies the men chose to go away together without the woman ,when we all used to go together pre kids .Don't let that happen to you!

I’d personally be furious if my DH wanted to muscle his way into a trip I’d planned with my own friends.

I think yabu

I do dance and I used to do weekenders. My DH is rubbish at dancing, he has no rhythm at all. If I still did the weekenders I wouldn't want him there because he would want me to dance with him but I would want to dance with good dancers.

I think it's similar for this sports trip. You aren't good enough and he will feel obliged to play with you, or he won't and you will feel left out. He can't win in either scenario.

It's a boys trip really, I think you need to accept that.

And you would be fine if your husband demanded to go on a trip that you had planned with your friends? Imagine it the other way around, my husband asked if he could go on a trip with my uni mates with me, I don't really want him there as I just want time to relax with my friends and be myself, I tried to let him down gently but now he is telling me to book him on even though I don't want him there and is furious with me for not doing it. Aibu to just want time alone with my friends, he is going away with his friends alone too?

Funnily enough we were exactly the same- DD we went to loads of child free weddings etc.
DS is 6 months old and can't be away from me for an hour, never mind several nights!!

I’m finding it really frustrating that instead of people answering the question I asked they have turned it into something it’s not.

Im fine with DH going on holiday without me, I actively encourage this. I will also go on holiday without him.

If when baby is here we change our mind that’s fine, it’s not that deep, we will just cancel.

Yes DHs friends stay home with their babies while their partners go on holiday. Just this spring 2 of DHs friends partners and I went on holiday together while DH went over to there’s and the 3 of them looked after the children together.

Maybe it’s because we are all a bit younger, many of them started having kids at 26/27.

If it is normal within your circle to go on holiday without your partner then why would you feel upset?

It's not normal within my circle but I'm much older than you so times may have changed.

I still find it odd that a soon-to-be father is having two holidays in a short period of time without his wife and especially once the baby is born.

Unless he views this as his last chance before he settles into fatherhood,
but it doesn't sit well with me. It suggests someone who is used to doing what he wants when he wants irrespective of his partner's needs.

That could change when he bonds with his child but it may not.

Yes they do but the hive mind of MN is appalled at such crazy behaviour as a general rule.

Would you also encourage a man to behave that way?

It sounds like he wants just uni friends and the partner who has sneaked it got a by as she is a good tennis player. Maybe it’s the dynamics, maybe he doesn’t want to have to think about someone else, maybe he’s embarrassed to ask them. Either way unless you can get him to change his mind then you are at home with a 7mth old. As you don’t know how your baby will be (a sleeper/colic/needy/happy etc) decide nearer the time how you will spend it. Despite what others are saying a first baby can hit you like a ton of bricks so having your parents around , especially in February, will be nice.

It's perfectly normal. But remember lots of people here don't live close enough to a core community of trusted people to have that sort of stability.