Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

OP, is this something you'd usually go to?
Do you want to go because you want to go, or are you a bit hung up on another of the partners being invited but not you?
I mean that kindly, but sometimes it helps to look at our own motivations.
It sounds like you might change the dynamic, and probably not enjoy it. And maybe impact your husbands enjoyment of it.
Unless this forms part of a pattern of not being invited I'd let it go and enjoy a few days with your parents and the baby - maybe take yourself off to do something you'd enjoy for a day if your parents are willing to watch the baby.

If you are fine with it then why are you guilt tripping by telling him you are upset that you can't come along too? He wants to go alone, you are fine with him going alone then it's all sorted?

Please don't take offence but were all these babies bottle fed?
My DD ended up being and she could be left, she would sleep in a cot and take a dummy.
My breastfed baby DS was on me every hour at 4 months old and permalatched all night. He wouldn't sleep in a cot, only in my arms.

I only learnt this on mumsnet tbh once the time had passed. But 🤷🏻‍♀️

did he tag along to your girls 30th trip? Or will he be coming to your sisters hen? Why are you wanting to go in his boys trip? Genuinely interested

Yes and I plan to bottle feed.

I'm not competitive so I'm sure I'd spoil it for those who are.

Boat day & water park sound fun to me though!

We didn't have separate holidays when the kids were young due to lack of funds!

No! He can't go if you can't go. Absolutely not. Nothing to do with 'how sporty'. You don't go - he can't go. Nip it in the bud asap. Not fair. Don't let him go without you. It is his child as well, right?

I’m fine with him going on trips alone, especially when it’s just a “lads trip”. This clearly isn’t just a lads trip as 2 of the “wives” are invited. While I might not adore the tennis and padel day, it’s rare that everyone is willing to go in on renting a yacht for the day, and I’d very much enjoy that … who wouldn’t!
I’ll happily skip the go karting and waterpark day and fly home, that’s definitely not my scene!

If two other partners are going but not you - you are right to be upset.

It's hard to know if he doesn't want you there with the baby or just doesn't want you there at all. You could suggest leaving the baby with your parents for this sporty holiday to tease it out. If he still doesn't want you there then are they are all very sporty and you are not? Or perhaps he feels you had your holiday with your uni friends and now it's his turn. Was he upset when you went off with your friends? Also, how does he feel about the other two wives/partners going?
Maybe he just wanted a lads' holiday and now it's turning into a couples' holiday.
Hard to say.

I wouldn’t be taking baby, I’d leave baby with my parents for the 3 nights, he knows this.
He seems quite excited by the two partners going, I get the feeling he doesn’t think I’m sporty/competitive enough.
He just keeps saying “you know we will be spending 8 hours at sports campus, you’ll get bored”, he also seems worried that it would make the numbers uneven and for tennis/padel it’s better with even numbers which I do appreciate, but I’ve said I’d be happy to relax at the hotel pool!

If both these holidays are a week long I’d be more annoyed about the usage of annual leave tbh. For most jobs it wouldn’t leave a huge amount left for other stuff.

I think people jumped on the separate holiday thing because most of ua don’t have help that can drop everything and move in for a week. I get what pp are saying about many parents do it alone- but of course that isn’t often easy, especially if you’re not used to it.

I think he's being a bit mean, especially when 2 other "girls" are going. Surely you get to choose? Does he not want you spoiling the fun or something? I would not like that.
Three solo holidays, two for him and one for you, when you have a new baby is quite unusual (not many people have the money at that time in life) but if you're both ok with it, it's fine of course.

Seperate holidays is perfectly fine if that works for a couple/family. That said I'd be very careful to avoid sleepwalking into a situation where parenthood doesn't change his holidays/lifestyle at all whilst you're left making all the compromises/sacrifices.

Certainly, but it’s a shock that he’d be so keen to be away from his new baby like this at all.
There’s a suggestion running through this thread (which I must be misreading) that it's only the mother who needs to be closely involved with the infant, and no mention at all about either parent’s strong desire to not leave the little scrap. Are dads not that bothered, never mind enraptured?

(I’m one of those Oldies not that keen on the creed which holds that new parents need not alter their previous busy social life, and that nothing need be sacrificed now a baby has arrived.
Leaving aside the automatic taking for granted of grandparents’ availability and willingness to leap into any childcare requirements, the impression does linger that the newborn child is about as important an arrival in the household as a new TV.)

Don't mind me, super-crabby because I woke up to a freezing cold house and there’s little prospect of improvement today. Grrr and 🥶

I’m a bit on the fence here. The separate holidays aren’t an issue because you’re both happy with that set up. If he was getting time away and you weren’t then that would be a problem but that’s not the case here.
I can understand the uni woman going because she’s part of that group but I’d be upset too that one of the other partners is ‘allowed’ to go but you’re not.
Having said that, how would you feel if your DH wanted to tag along to your girls holiday or the hen party? I’d find it a bit weird.
You have your holidays and he has his. I’d still be a bit upset though that he’s saying a blank no to you going.

Fair enough.
I think what's more annoying is maybe the implication that you aren't fit enough especially at this time when your body is changing.
If he had said that truthfully he just wants to be with his pals that would be fair enough.

Hmmmmm I understand the hurt and very low level humiliation. My DH is an excellent runner. I am a distinctly average runner. In his group of excellent runners there are about two women to fifteen men and they are exceptional. They need to be to keep up.

I do feel sensitive about it if we are at a race or something, they don't really talk to me, just move in their elite set.

However - and this is the hard truth of it - if you're not at their standard you will mess up the dynamic. That's just the reality. If they are competitive this is going to be a really fun week for them and it will be marred if he can't immerse in it as he has to keep an eye on you. Honestly it would be very annoying for the others.

Btw, I think it's great you're both getting your separate holidays. I went away with a huge group of my friends when baby was six months old. My DH (very very traditional) family were absolutely horrified.

I think that’s what hurt me, it felt like he was saying “you’re not sporty enough to keep up with us and would drag down the quality of the sports”, it’s padel in Portugal, I’m not sure why they are behaving like it’s the Olympic trials!

I suspect that this parenting business is going to be harder than you both expect. He won't be going skiing in February.

Don’t you have any desire to go on any holidays as a family next year? Presumably with all these lads holidays and then DH having to take further time off work to look after the baby while you go away, he won’t be much leave left?

Re your question about the sports holiday - if you went would you be planning to take your baby along with you? Because that would change the dynamic and I don’t think would be fair on the others. If not, who would be looking after the baby and how long for? Personally I think it’s a bit much for both parents to up and leave a 6/7 month old baby for several days or more at a time, unless it’s an emergency. That’s peak separation anxiety. I’m aware that there are some parents that do it, but not ones with their baby’s best interests at heart imo.

Perhaps one of these are the true reasons for DH’s reluctance for you to join, and he’s struggling to articulate it?

We have holidays booked as a family for next year. DH is freelance so has plenty of flexibility in when he works. He typically works weekends which pay better to free up time in the week for holidays.

Right - so your AIBU is about if he’s being mean about not letting you come? If it’s a ‘sports’ type of thing and your not the same level - why do your at to go? Maybe he thinks it’ll make you feel shit as they’re all really good. Maybe they’re all super competitive and you’re there for a laugh and a lay by the pool - which will be mega awkward for them? Maybe he’s trying to save you from all of that. 8 hours at a sports campus is not your average day - it’s intense (I’ve done it before) - he knows you’re not like that so he’s just saying it to you. Of course he’s not preventing you from going - but a ticket and go if you are feeling strongly about being included - free country and all that - but be prepared to be bored out of your mind and if they’re going there for a sports purpose and your there sat by a pool - it’ll get awkward. Just prep yourself for that. You say you’ll miss a day where they’re doing things you don’t want to do - they might think that’s a bit off as well if they’re doing everything together…don’t know. Do what you feel is best. Congrats on the baby!

You should organise a getaway with the girls for a couple days whilst he's away. Make sure an activity is something he would love to do 🤣

I'd be pissed off too. It's not like you want to join for the whole thing.

I'm fine with having separate holidays, fine with spending time with friends without partners - but not fine with being actively excluded.