Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

I disagree the group have decided this. It’s the OP’s partner who has..
Assuming you’ve been invited in the past, I suspect it’s because he’s struggling to see himself as a family man at this point. Men don’t have pregnancy to reset their brains in the way women do.
My own DH wanted us to sign up to a boating weekend with a newborn which thankfully I refused. When it actually came around, we were barely making it out for pub lunches more than 5 miles away! He very quickly had a revelation.
I know you don’t think it’s part of your thread but I’d slow down the holiday bookings as 9/10 people I know didn’t go away along with babies under a year.

He may not want to be honest about the reason he doesn’t want you there. If you being there will change the dynamic and he wants to relax with his friends, isn’t that a good enough reason for you to say “ok I won’t come, have fun”.

if you never got any time away or you weren’t consulted and he was just taking himself off then that would be different but as you’ve explained that not the case I think you might have to let this go. Does it really matter what his reason is? He doesn’t want you to come.

Yeah, I'd be annoyed. Why doesn't he want his mates to meet you and the baby? You are popping along, not joining in. You must have met all his mates and their partners, especially with all thse holidays and close friendships.

Have you made friends with any of the wives/ partners? Two holidays a year sounds a lot, with a new baby, cost of living etc.

I must say you sound like me, before the real live baby arrived. Breathtakingly naive:)

I think DH doesn't want you on the trip and thats fair enough if its a university reunion. Maybe the partner who is invited has been invited because she's done these water activities with the group before? Unless other things are worrying you bout your relationship Id let it go.

To be honest I'd probably not want to go if it's how he has described and he doesn't want you there. That's ok.

I say that kindly, I don't think he's being hurtful.

You might be over sensitive right now.

I think it's great you both have plans. I do hope you have got a few days planned too either as a family or 3 or just as a couple.

I don't see any problems with the separate holidays if you are in agreement. I left my baby for a week when he was seven months with DH. There was a back story that i wont go into but my DH was fine about it. He was perfectly capable, as he should be, and was happy to do so.

I think your DH probably had the week all planned and you unfortunately are not part of the deal, especially if other partners aren't invited. He could have been a lot nicer about it rather than blame your sporting ability.

I think you should let this one go, but make sure you have time to relax and enjoy yourself without the baby at some point, if you want to.

My daughter knew when her dad wasn’t around as a baby and woke up hourly on those nights instead of 3 hourly. Every single time from very young. I dreaded him going out.
Your husband sounds like one of the dickhead dads who wants the single life still despite being a husband and father.
Neither of you have any idea what your baby will be like in terms of sleeping and being left with other people. He seems very keen for you not to be there and you’ll be wondering what he’s up to with these sporty girls that share his hobbies.

Three holidays booked between both of you before baby is even 1 year old?

But the op has said her parents will come. They'll probably be more helpful than dad back at work, most of whom seem to do not a lot in the early days of multiple night wakings. OP good on you for planning not to get all consumed by babyhood. I'd let this one go, let him have his mates trip but if you're happy to leave the baby once its here, take time out for yourself.

If the 1st girl already knows the group & the 2nd one doesn't, I think she'll be glad of your company as it may be a tad awkward for her. I don't know the girl obviously, she may just get stuck in and be absolutely fine but equally she may need someone else there in the same position.

He probably wants to go away wig his friends on his own, like you did with yours.

Out of the 8 men, only 2 have invited their partners.
I would not go tbh. He just wants to have some time with his uni friends. It’ll be a different type of break with you there.

If you’re not bothered about the time he’s spending away, leave him to it.

I don’t think he’s being offensive by saying his friends play tennis to a high standard. There’s a reason men only play against women in mixed doubles.

I do think he’s being unkind to say you’re unwelcome on the trip. As a pp eluded- he’s planning a break away from family life seemingly.

I don’t think it’s necessarily overly ambitious to plan holidays away from a new baby but in my experience it depends on the type of baby you get as to whether they’ll come off. DD was fab- we both had time for fun. DS was another matter entirely and I didn’t take a day/night to myself until he was almost a year old.

He probably doesn’t want you there.

Would you have wanted him tagging along on a trip with your friends?

She asked what other people do, I told her what we did. I don't have living supportive parents so no idea how that feels

YANBU @fayesfair - I would feel upset by this too.

People may sneer and tut and eyeroll at OPs "naivety" over having these holidays booked, but for many families it works. A good few people here have said they did it. In our child's first year, both myself and my OH holidayed separately with groups of friends and there was absolutely no issue! OP has said if they feel differently when the time comes they will change their plans. Surely that's the end of that and we can focus on OPs actual question....

You might not care when you have your baby. Some women carry on with their social lives, others want to be home.
You don’t know which you are yet.

Plenty of parents take separate holidays in the real world. I went on plenty of trips with friends when my kids were younger, they always stayed with their dad who was more than capable of looking after his own DC.

It is a bit rude what he said. I guess he doesn’t want you to go. Maybe he is looking forward to some time with friends, so doesn’t want a partner there. To be honest, I wouldn’t have wanted my partner to come on a friend’s holiday as does change the vibe.

Yes @fayesfair - people are going off at a tangent.

To be honest, I get what he is saying. He wants to go and let his hair down doing things he really enjoys. If you are there and not as into it as him/the rest of the group, he probably feels he would need to hold back to “babysit” you (apologies for the word but it’s early and I can’t think of a better one at this moment lol). The other partner going is a red herring - you’re not the only partner not going by the sounds of it.

You are ok with him going away so just let it be and try not to focus too much on you not going. 💐for you and your baby

Although I think your DH is being unfair is saying you can’t come as you aren’t sporty enough, I just don’t think you are fully appreciating the big change which is about to happen in both of your life’s.

I know every person is different and every baby is different but leaving your baby to go on holiday seems wild to me. I really wouldn’t want to have done it. Ignoring all the logistics of pumping, feeding, time of work for other parent, childcare. I just didn’t t want to be away from my baby and wanted missed him so much and although I knew he was fine and in very capable hands, there was some sort of biological urge wanting me to be close to him.

Before making any firm plans, if I was you, I would reallly consider wanting until your baby is here and seeing how you feel.

I think solo trips are fine, DH and I have 5 kids and have done plenty of solo trips!

I think this is his way of saying he doesn't want you to come because he wants to have fun with his friends and having you there will change the dynamics and he will have to think about you and whether you're having a good time. Just let him go and have a good break with his friends - you've got your hen do in August to look forward to!

Do you actually want to go, participate and have a good time, or do you want to be included just because?

If my DH had this planned I’d be glad he was enjoying himself. I wouldn’t expect him to include me out of duty/obligation even if it wasn’t my cup of tea.

You probably won’t care when the baby is born but yeah I’d be pissed off by his comment.

One reason separate holidays tend to stop when kids come along is cost. Most people would rather spend the majority of their holiday money/days off with their family. DH and I did (& still do) do separate trips away but not with a tiny newborn & not great big groups of friends camps (sounds pricey for starters).

Wait and see how you feel when the baby is here. I had all sorts of plans when pregnant. Then didn’t want to do any of them.

I can say as a single mother it's perfectly doable to manage one 7 month, old full time without breaking a sweat.

The shocking bit is having a partner that hasn't factored in having equal holidays for his lovely wife.

I can understand both sides, and yes I would be upset for the reasons given.

But a lot would depend if you have planned a little family holiday or a night away as a couple later in the year?