Hurt by DH's reasons I can’t come on group holiday

[fayesfair]

Hi everyone. I’m currently pregnant with DH and Is first child, due at the end of December. DH and most of his uni friends turn 30 next year, so they have planned 2 group holidays.
1 in February to go Skiing, obviously I won’t go on this one as baby will be tiny and I actually can’t stand skiing. One in July, where they will spend some days at a sports campus type place playing tennis/padel, swimming etc, one day they have hired a boat to go out and have a boat day, ocean swim, another day they plan to go a water park or something, then probably last day back at the sports campus.
2 of the partners of the 8 men are invited, 1 makes sense she went to uni with them is very much part of the group, the other is relatively new.

I asked DH if I could join for a day or 2, baby will be about 7 months and my parents have already offered to have him for a night or 2. He has said no. I asked why and he said “it will be quite a sporty and competitive trip, the other girls are really sporty, but you wouldn’t enjoy all the sports and will probably complain it’s boring the whole time”.
Now I’m hardly Serena Williams but I don’t think I’m awful at sports and while I do think the water park and maybe go karting which is also on their list isn’t up my street, I’d just come for one of the sports days and the boat day.

AIBU to be hurt by his reasons?

100% this. It doesn't matter that there's another partner attending, it's not been set up as a couples' trip and he's perfectly within his rights to want to keep it focused on his uni friends.

He's clearly communicating he doesn't think his life will be changed by having a child but yours will. You need to nip this in the bud ASAP

Yes, not in the super early days though. But we have toddler twins and both went away separately this year, as well as a family. Life goes on

How exactly is he communicating this? OP is going away in August without him. He just doesn't think this particular trip is suitable for OP and used phrasing that made her feel like shit to explain why he didn't think it was suitable.

I almost think the baby is a red herring here, as neither party is worried about the childcare as a factor..

DH has two solo trips with friends planned for next year, OP has one solo trip with her sister and friends.

OP wants to come along for a few days of one of DH's trips, he doesn't want her to (and has given her a pretty tactless response to her request). Who IBU?

Sorry OP, I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable. What would you do on the days they’re doing something you don’t want to do, hang out alone at the hotel? It sounds like they want to focus on their tournament, not worry about accommodating someone who’s partially in. It probably also opens the door to other WAGs who won’t participate in any of it. It’s a sports trip, not a couples trip.

(We have kids and holiday separately btw, including when we had a baby!)

The world does not stop with a baby (at least hopefully). I was really ill when DD was about 3 months and ExDP was away. My parents had DD overnight. Everyone was fine.

He certainly doesn't get to say 'no, you'll be bored' without any discussion. Unacceptable way to treat your spouse with whom you're just about to enter parenthood together.

I think perhaps he's using "you'll be bored, you won't like it, it's not your thing" as a way to avoid saying "we don't want to open this up to you and everyone else's partners".

Which would have been a less hurtful way of him actually talking to his wife about it. OP isn't insisting that she go – she's hurt that her husband has been a bit of a dick to her.

Well it sounds like it's not exactly untrue - OP said admits she might not be at the same standard as the others at the sports and is uninterested in some of the other activities.

He doesn't get to decide how bored she'll be – that'd for her to decide.

Well you think you think this bit you haven’t had the baby yet.

Everything will look very different afterwards and you may well not want to leave the baby.

You might change your mind about DH going on 2 holidays when you haven’t slept for weeks - but will he?

Threads like this are so painful to read. OP very explicitly states that she is posting because her husband said something hurtful to her.

She isn't posting to ask whether she can cope with a newborn.

She isn't posting to ask whether she should be OK with her DH going on a trip when their baby is small.

She isn't posting to ask if she will be ready to leave her baby when it's 6-7 months old.

She isn't posting to ask if people think her DH will take care if their baby himself when it's 6-7 months old.

She isn't asking for reasons why the group might not want her on the trip.

She is posting about the way her husband has spoken to her.

She’s asking if she’s U to be hurt by his current reasons. Of course she’s not U.

But it’s perfectly sensible to point out that the issues around these holidays will change once the child is born so this won’t be the only issue and may end up the least important one.

Wound OP have felt any better if he'd said "I don't want you there, I want to spend time with my friends"? Because it amounts to the same.

Interesting. I can't imagine not even trying to breastfeed for the sake of the idea of going on a holiday in a year's time.

In my experience, it's MORE common to go for short breaks separately once you have children. It's the only way both me and DH can get some proper breaks. Main holidays are together but let's face it, a holiday with a toddler is not relaxing.

However, going away when your wife is home with a 6 week old...not so common.

Going by your responses on this thread, you have a bit of a shock coming to you when this baby arrives.

And as to the original question, YABU. It's not a couples holiday and you weren't invited.

Not everyone wants to breastfeed. Lots of people want to share the feeding side with their partner and have the freedom to go out without baby.

I bottle fed my first and breastfed my second (tried to mix feed, she bottle refused). I had so much more freedom with my first, not just for a holiday, but for seeing friends, going back to work, being able to actually rest when ill.

I didn't hate BF and I liked that it felt natural, and made the best of it (even though it cost me tens of thousands in lost earnings due to delaying work return) but it's not for everyone, and that's ok.

But it's not for to decide whether she gets to go or not, as it's not her trip. So he could either let her down by saying "I don't think you'd enjoy it" or by saying "we don't want you/other partners there". Which you think is less hurtful is open to discussion. I think either position will feel unfair to OP from her perspective but ultimately it's not her call whether she goes.

This is very judgemental - you have no idea why OP has made the decision she had. And if it was solely about going on holiday when the baby was 6+ months old, she would have plenty of time to change feeding method

Oh and - plenty of mothers have gone back to work by the age that OP’s child will be at the time of the hen do.

Yes, it's judgmental. I absolutely do judge her. If the baby was here and there were issues, obviously formula is a perfectly good alternative. The key being "alternative". Breastmilk is best and, as a mother, I can't imagine not trying. Whether you carry on or not, is up to you. There's a million reasons why breastfeeding doesn't work out and that's fine.

But given how much she bangs on about holidays and going out and how life shouldn't change after a baby, this to me builds a picture of a woman who doesn't seem to realize a real life human is coming.

So? I had to go back to work at 6 months. Still breastfeeding. Women go back to work at 3 months in the US and have a much higher rate of breastfeeding. It has very little to do with it.

Oh give over.

I also breastfed, mixed fed from 5 months with one when I went back to work, transferred to bottles completely with the second at a similar time.

It is none of your, my or anyone’s business how the OP feeds her baby and it sure as hell isn’t the point of this thread, which is about her DH saying something hurtful. And Mumsnet certainly isn’t a place where you should be judging a pregnant woman who hasn’t asked your opinion.