To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Sorry, I'm with your dh. Your dss has been through so much, making him lose his dog as well is a trauma he will never forget.

Yes sorry I’m team dog too

I agree with this.

I have never wanted a dog and can think of no circumstances where I can see a dog living with me, except the one you have just described because of the emotional abuse he has experienced.

I would let DSS have the dog but there would be boundaries in place ensuring DH and DSS look after the dog and there are dog free areas of my house.

ALso with your DH, I think the poor boy has been through so much already. I'd defintely let him keep the dog.

He will never forgive you and your husband might not either.

A dog is a companion. A dog is emotional support that he needs right now. Trauma and neglect and you want to deprive him of a much loved companion animal?

You're being pretty cruel here.

I would refuse as well because I don't like dogs around me, and it's not your child. And I also agree the day to day and financial burden is one that a lot of people don't realise.

But I think you might have to take it unless another relative or friend can. Unless you think she is bluffing for effect?

I’m entirely with your DH on this one.

in some ways this isn’t about the dog. Or your aversion to dogs. it is fundamentally about whether one can make some pretty big sacrifices for one’s own kids. And not your own kid you say, but a step kid? Then you can’t make the big sacrifice? That’s the crux of the matter.

God that's a tough one. Do you think your dh and dss would take on the bulk of the care? Will they commit to proper training classes, and can you afford the insurance etc.?

Team DH and DSS.

Give the boy his dog. That's the ethical thing to do.

You believe in ethically sourced dogs but want this dog to be sent to a rescue (which are on their knees and kennels are no good places for dogs really) simply because it’s from a backyard breeder?

think you’re being cruel to both DSS and the dog. Do the right thing and take the dog in and do a good job of it. In life, we don’t always get what we want.

The poor kid has a shitty mother and now this, I don't really know what else to say.

This dog would be a rescue and so therefore, “ethically sourced”.

In this particular situation I’d go so far as to say that I hope that the only involved/presumably safe parent ie the father will make the correct decision if it really comes to it to put his traumatised child’s needs first and foremost. As partner you come second.

Team dog. You can't let his dog get rehomed. You just can't.

Reason 2 and 3 are ridiculous in my opinion. Who cares about Dss's mum. Letting her factor into your decision making at all is folly. As for the second reason the dog exists now. It's too late for ethically sourcing, that ship has sailed.

However point 1 is all you need. I feel for DSS, and I can't imagine being abused by a parent. It's awful. But if you don't want a dog you don't want a dog. I would question in the long run would this have an overall positive or negative impact on him and would that influence your decision.

Op this is not about you, your feelings about where the dog came from or manipulation from the ex - let DSS take the dog he's had it hard enough from his mom.
Inform your husband that he is responsible for any and all outcomes with the dog then take a step back.

YANBU. I think you know you’ll end up doing most of the work.

Is it your house? Tell DH to jog on.

It’s only because you’re a step-mum that people are saying YABU. Step-mums have to do everything for everyone apparently.

I’d give it a go on the condition that DH and his DS do ALL the care of the dog. If either of them renege on the deal the dog goes.

Oh OP, you can’t let him lose his dog. I know it’s his mother saying she’d rehome it, not you, but he already knows she’s a shitty parent. I think you could lose him emotionally if he loses his dog

I agree with you. I would hate to have a dog living in my house, doubly so if pressured into it by DSS's mum.

Do you have a garden? I could probably compromise on it living in a kennel outside.

That poor boy needs his dog

I’m with your DH too, and I’m almost never with anyone’s DH.

The poor kid has been through so much, and he’s naturally attached to his dog. The dog might be exactly what he needs right now.

Of course you can set boundaries that the dog is DS’s dog, and legally therefore your DH’s as well, but it’s not your dog and between the two of them they must do everything that is required for the dog. Everything. Your only role is to be generally friendly to the dog as anyone would be and not cruel to it etc

In any other circumstance I might say no but given what you’ve described, I think I could make it work. It is a big responsibility and you may well want an ethically sourced dog, but this isn’t your dog it’s his. This may even be an opportunity for the child to benefit from learning to take responsibility and care for the dog himself.