To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I dont even like dogs but taking that boys friend away would be a seriously shitty thing to do

OP saying that the dog would be a reminder of the Mum, who has caused harm to not only DSS but her children and the whole family. But DSS himself and the DH are both a reminder of her too. So again, this point doesn't stand up.

@Sweetnessandbite
Nobody can supervise a dog with their children 24hrs a day. Get up go to the loo, doing jobs around the house, sooner or later the dog would end up unsupervised with the children.

A dog which cannot be trusted around children is not a suitable dog for a family.

As for no dog can be trusted, some dogs can be trusted more than others. And a small less powerful dog is less likely to do serious damage even if it does decide to turn on someone.

I've never heard of the police marksmen shooting a lab or a yorkie.

People have become so obsessed with dogs, especially since the pandemic. It’s bizarre
OP - don’t take the dog ❌

DSS will be ok, he’s now with people who love him and are not abusive. That’s the main thing and what he needs.
dog can be rehomed

And I say this as someone who loves dogs! In a healthy way though 😁

Yes. And this is incredibly bleeding obvious.

So blame the mother then. She's the reason the boy isn't at home with her and his dog. She's the reason he can't even visit the home where the dog lives. She's the one who got the dog in the first place and didn't train him. She's the one threatening to get rid of the dog.

Yep - I completely agree

Just read your posts OP. There is logic and kindness there.
Tough it out, NO DOG

Why are you putting words in OP's mouth?

They all know this, they're just trying to trick you into agreeing to this.

Id bet the majority of people who are saying to take on the dog dont actually have a dog. Because if husband and son are out of the house the majority of the day, then they physically cannot take on the responsibility of the dog.
Also, OPs stepson has been living without the dog for 6 months and would of been living without his dog for the foreseeable future as he is not allowed to see his abusive mother. The only reason this has been mentioned is the ex now cba to keep it.
Dogs trust would not rehome a dog that is untrained and boisterous with children under the age of 12 so why should OP?
If she came on here with the opposite story, saying she took on the exs unruly dog and now its destroyed her household, her stepson isnt bothered looking after it and god forbid it had bit one of her younger children, all the responses would of been that she shouldn't of taken the dog on in the first place.
If the ex was abusive to her child, would you dare say she may of been abusive toward the dog? So the dog needs to be rehomed sensibly.
I literally dont understand why anyone thinks this is OPs fault and she should take any responsibility at all.

OP has said that herself (or at least, agreed with it).

I think it's a bonkers argument. The dealing with the whole situation including whatever little contact they have with his mother, the fall out from it etc, parenting a SS is a reminder every day of the woman. A dog isn't even more of a reminder when it's not like she can forget her!

Ok. blame the mum. And here we are. Son is living with his other parent. His dad.

and the son is traumatised and abused.

now what? You can dance about blaming whomsoever you want but the fact still is that the boy is the priority. His emotional and mental health needs come first. Blaming his mum may make you feel better but it’s not resolving anything is it.

the OP can have her boundaries. She can leave the marriage. But the alternatives of a man not parenting his son or further traumatising a damaged minor are not options.

The DH and DSS haven't been trained to damage furniture and be destructive to belongings, the dog has.

It says absolutely everything that you don't bother to mention the two young children also living in the home. No fucks given.

And I don't think OP has said anywhere that her DH and her DSS are a constant reminder of the ex wife.

We can go round with this for ever, but it won’t change the fact that the boy has been abused and his life turned upside down. He can’t have contact with his mother, who has his dog, and now any hope at all of being reunited with the animal will be gone when it goes to a shelter. It’s a lesson in how to.completely alienate an already traumatised child.

Well staying married but saying to to the dog is most definitely an option because, guess what, she's still married. Her DH hasn't divorced her, to the chagrin of team dog.

Can you say who should take care of the dog, Ross? Given the DH is away so much and DSS is out most of the day too?

My DH absolutely does not want a dog, he’s only wanting this dog because of DSS. That doesn’t bode well for my DH’s role in managing, caring, training and paying for the dog does it?

What did he say when you pointed this out?

Sorry OP. When it comes to dogs some people lose their sound minds. You are already stepping up for this young lad- don't let anyone guilt you into taking in a dog you don't want and that the SS hasn't asked for until his mum decided to stir things up.

He said he and DSS will look after it. I said that’s unrealistic, he works long hours and DSS is 14 and at school and has a social life. A dog should be a family decision with all family members in agreement.

He didn’t have a reply so the conversation ended after that.

So he didn't threaten you with divorce, as so many here wanted him to do?