To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Sure. And then the husband should leave this partner. His child and his child’s needs come foremost.

I'd want a bit more information about the breed, age, training stage of the dog.
A small, house-trained dog is very different from taking on a large, untrained dog.

I really would not want a dog living in my house either, but this strikes me as a unique situation. I would agree but with strict conditions: DH and DSS take care of anything and everything to do with the dog.

I’m with you op, and I guarantee you will end up being the one who looks after it and picks up his poop.

Say no.

I’m don’t like dogs and even I would take the dog in these circumstances.

Of course SS's sadness isn't a red herring. His dad needs to put him first and move out if OP doesn't want the dog. His child, who has already been through enough trauma needs to be put first by his dad. Poor kid.

Tricky. If you refuse, your dss will be devastated and your Dh will be upset/resentful. The dog may be from a byb, but that’s not the dog’s fault. It may need vet treatment, same as a well bred dog. Trouble is, you refuse, you’re going to be the bad guy. Think I’d take it but your dss needs to do all the walking when he can. Obviously you can’t leave it all day if you both work. Dh needs to source and fund a dog walker.

I feel awful for everyone here but I wouldn't want a dog in my home either so I would have to move or if it's my house then DP and his son would need to leave.

Yep and that’s his choice, no one should be forced into a dog that they don’t want in a house they live in. If he wants to move out for this dog that’s his choice. Not the OPs fault.

Not much of a necessity if he didn’t ask for his dog before.

YABU. Poor boy has been through abuse and neglect and now his dog is going to be given away? Even if it stayed with the mom, it’s not like he’s able to see it - let him bring his dog.

I think you don’t have much choice here unless you are willing to leave DH 😬. If you don’t allow his son to have the dog I feel your life will be made more difficult, step son will blame you and your Dh will likely blame you too.

I totally get why you don’t want the dog and your reasons are valid but I think you maybe put numbered by your dh and step son. Maybe there’s a compromise, maybe you can agree to have the dog on a trial basis? You never know, you might grow to like the dog, if not then you can discus other options.

Who owns the house? If it’s yours then I think ok to say no.

How much of the caring for DSS fall b to you? Are all chores shared? Does your DH expect you to do childcare etc? The reason I ask is that I’d say ‘no way’ if DH just leaves stuff to you as you’ll end up doing the majority of dog stuff (and it’s a lot), plus dogs are messy. I’m on the fence but my immediate response is no.

Sympathise, because I wonder what it is about the dog that the boy's birthmother can't cope with. Even so, I think:

1. The boy needs the dog, and the dog will help the boy.
2. You can say 'OK dog, but boy and his father do all the care. And cost.' This is fair.
3. Under these circumstances, your life will be significantly harder without the dog than with it.

Poor boy. Poor dog. I could not possibly let any of your arguments stand against the benefits for your DSS. Can you take no pleasure in taking the moral high ground and rising above his vile mother and doing the right thing regardless of her motives?

💯

So many people conveniently ignoring this because they see this as the step-mum’s job as well.

Yep. His mother is the bad guy here. But as usual , let’s pile on the step mum who just wants some boundaries in her home. Stand firm @ThickOfThorns.

She talks of ethics but removing the comfort pet from a deregulated and abused boy is the least ethical thing that could happen here.

if ethics are important then the boy has his dog. If the boundaries are that the OP won’t live with the dog then the OP and her dh split.

the boy is his son and his dependent. He comes first. If it’s not something the OP can tolerate then they split up. THIS is what boundaries mean. They don’t mean controlling what other people do

It absolutely is. It is a red herring in the sense that it has nothing to do with OP, is not caused by OP and OP should not be caused long term harm and unhappiness to try to alleviate the sadness. She should not be bullied into harming herself because of a situation she did not cause.

Yes, the dad needs to decide what to do about his child now that OP has said an absolute definite no to the dog. If his dad thinks that means leaving OP, that will be his choice.

Team dog. If I was DH I would be putting my son’s needs first and be preparing to walk away from you.You sound very uncaring towards the needs of this lad who has been through an horrendous time which no one should ever experience.

What a difficult situation for you all. Taking on a dog is a very big decision, but I think you need to try and find a compromise for the benefit of DSS - he has been through too much already.

Would you be able to agree to the dog within certain parameters? E.g., DH covers all costs from his disposable income (not joint household pot); DH & DSS do all dog care in a responsible and timely manner without you needing to get involved; agreed doggie spaces in the house such as needs to lie on dog bed in the rooms he's allowed.

In your situation, I might agree to the dog (for the sake of the child) as long as the three of you and the dog do a dog training course together. This would also help with giving the dog safe boundaries in his new home and get the best behaviour out of him. DSS might be living with you until he is ready to leave home, and making a constructive effort to find a solution to this issue now might give you a good basis for the next few years.

I really hope you can find a solution that works for all of you.

@nomas All this has been put into OP and it’s not fair.

I understand that the lad is traumatised but that’s down to his mother, as is the dog

It’s a tough one. But there’s no way I could even have a dog in my house never mind live with one, so it’d be a no from me. I would try and find another relative or friend who’d be willing to take the dog so DSS can visit it/still see it.

Nope. Coercing and bullying a woman into doing something she has definitely said no to is deeply unethical. She is not removing anything from from the boy at all, just not agreeing to be bullied and coerced into doing something harmful to her.

Her husband can decide if he wants to leave OP because she maintains fair and reasonable boundaries. That's his choice. He doesn't get to control what OP does and force her to tolerate living with a dog she said a firm no to for years to come. THIS is what boundaries mean. She can decide, he can decide.

Exactly!