To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Team dog. Poor child has been through enough.

Team dog/DH/DSS here. I appreciate it's your home but it's also your DH home and now your SS home.

100% NOT unreasonable. At all. Cannot be argued that you should be forced to take on the care of another living creature, not to mention dogs are a lot of work and of course it will fall on you.

Ignore the loonies on here, they would allow dogs to take over the world if they could. You are being honest and realistic and you very much are being emotionally manipulated into doing something you firmly do not want to do, which will harm YOU. YOU have rights and are allowed to say no to harmful requests.

It's all "boundaries" on this site until they meet one they don't agree with.

He's been through so much, I couldn't let him lose his dog too. Yabu.

Is it one of those awful bully-type dogs or other huge scary dog? If so,you are definitely right to say no.

Definitely team dog here. Your second and third reasons were nonsense and the kid has been through so much. I actually think it would be really cruel to deny him this and if I was your husband and you didn't budge id put my kids emotional wellbeing first and would leave.

I wouldn’t normally want a dog at all, I’m a cat person with 3 cats, but in the circumstances described I would feel that your DSS shouldn't be separated from his pet after everything he’s been through. So I agree with the majority of PPs that YABU.

I think you really really need to put your step sons needs first in this situation, though I do feel sorry for you. I would let the dog come.

I would really hate to have a dog so I can totally understand your point of view but I think in these circumstances you have to allow the dog to live with you. Are there steps you could take to make it easier? Can you afford a dog trainer or walker, can you keep the dog in certain areas of the house etc.

💯💯

DH needs to house his son and his son's dog. Team DH here too. Poor boy is going through a lot.

I agree with PP, you can't get any more ethical than rescuing a dog with a difficult background.

Only exception to this would be if it is an XL Bulky or similar.

I hate dogs but let him have his dog.

100% this.

Im not a dog person at all. But in the circumstances described......It would be cruel not to do this. If you reject the dog I doubt your dss will ever forgive you.

I really don't like dogs. At all.

This is probably the only situation where I would actually agree to have a dog.

I couldn't do that to DSS. It would be absolutely devastating for him to lose his dog. It is also a continuation of the abuse from his DM, she's doing this to hurt him not manipulate you. Not a chance I'd be allowing her to hurt him if I could prevent it.

It sounds like you are saying this dog isn’t well bred enough for you.

YABU.

I dislike dogs. But in this situation, you can either live with DH, DSS, and the dog, or you can seperate.

Anything else is cruelly unfair to DSS.

Based on your current setup and division of labour, who is most likely to end up with the responsibility of looking after the dog?

Maybe they are living in OP’s house and they can move out.

That would be completely unfair to the dog. If a dog is used to the house and company, it's cruel to then be kept outside and not allowed in.

Sorry. Team Boy and his dog.

Can you try to find the dog a different home where your SS could visit to see it? I understand why you don’t want a dog, I love dogs but I don’t want one. Pets are a massive financial burden, especially from a backyard dodgy breeder as it’s probably been conceived via incest causing a whole other host of health problems that may not be obvious at first. I feel for your SS and this will be a massive kick in the teeth for him, as it’s probably the one thing he is attached too. Could you have a proper grown up conversation with him and talk to him about your concerns about the financial impact, social impact etc. You might be suprised, once he realises the responsibility of it, he may agree for it to be rehomed. Also, I would be wary of keeping it, as it’s a way for his mother to still have some kind of hold over him since she bought the thing. I can see it being used for manipulation in the future.

I don’t envy you it’s a very difficult position to be in. Dogs are a huge responsibility and really only your first point matters. You don’t want a dog in your house.

Perhaps there is a compromise? (and I am a dog owner)

I think your H and DSS should move out and move in with the dog. Honestly, I wouldn't want the dog either, if his dad thinks having the dog is in his best interests then he'd be welcome to facilitate that. That doesn't mean I have to live with it. DSS is 14. In a few years he'll leave and you'll be left tied to the home and the dog. It really limits what you can do and where you can go.

My parents have cats. I've done cat care for 14 years. Their cats actually take more medication than I do. My mum wanted me to go round twice a day. 1 hour round trip to give them medication. I agreed to go once a day. my parents go off on wonderful 4-6 week holidays at least twice a year and I'm left crushing tablets a shovelling shit everyday while looking after 2 kids.

This is not a hill to die on, OP. Your poor SDS needs that dog.
I don’t understand reason 2, either. The dog exists now, it’s a rescue.
Be the bigger person.