To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

Why is it not about OP in her own home?

Is your home nothing to do with you? Are you a stranger or guest in your own home?

It’s OP’s home.

Oh come on OP, don't be a dick.

Because she has a.traumatised teenager living in her house don't you think he matters ?

Team DSS/DH/Ddog here too. Put firm boundaries in place, but don’t break his heart.

Are you trying to get your DSS to hate you bitterly for eternity?

Is the dog trained, is it a reasonable breed eg not an XL bully? How much did DSS do with looking after dog at his mum’s house?

I don’t really like dogs. I don’t want a dog in my house. I don’t want the responsibility of a dog. I’d still take in the dog in these circumstances. That poor boy has had a rotten time; I wouldn’t forgive myself if I thought I was adding to his distress.

Having a teen in the house doesn’t mean OP’s wishes cease to matter, FFS.

Team DH and dog as well. I think you're just going to have to suck it up. You never know,you might get to like the dog. I used to hate dogs, reluctantly agreed to DH getting one. I now adore her. She's my girl and gives me more joy than I ever thought possible.

Maybe DH can move out.

I dislike dogs but I still would have it AS LONG AS the stepson and dad did the lion's share of the cleaning/walking etc.

So the solution is no dog ?

I really think you have to have the dog. You have to make this sacrifice for your SS mental health, your realtionship with SS and your realtionship with your husband.

You are not anti dog if you would choose one for yourself so why not let this one come?

Different if you were allergic or phobic or otherwise incapable of co existing with a dog. Set up some ground rules who pays, who is responsible for walking, where it is allowed to go in the house etc.

You might need to get used to the idea. You are probably reacting against his mum's threats and being forced into it rather than having the dog itself.

I don’t like dogs, the smell, the commitment, the guilt of leaving them. I would instantly have reacted like you have too. However, in these specific circumstances, I would allow it with very firm boundaries about where the dog can go in the house, and would make it clear that shit picking, walking and financial burden is to be completely on the DH and DSS doorstep.

Yes. The wishes of the person who doesn’t want the dog trumps the others.

You should at least try it.

I get that you don’t want a dog but it’s not just your home now.

The sourcing of the dog, ethical or otherwise is irrelevant- your SS has the dog now and if you don’t take it in it will end up in kennels.

It’s not emotional manipulation per se- if the mother is that much of a nutcase she probably is incapable of caring for a dog.

That said, you should not be the dog’s main carer and your DH/ SS should be doing all the walking, feeding, vet appointments etc.

It really boils down to whether the functioning parent (dad) will
put his child and his child’s needs above absolutely everyone else, as he rightly should.

Yes. The wishes of the person who doesn’t want the dog trumps the others.

I also think that you should allow the dog, I don't think your relationship with your step-son will survive you not. I kind of think they come as a package, stepson and his dog. My only caveat would be why his mum is no longer coping - has the dog got some difficult behaviours?

Re your points.

1. dogs are a massive responsibility- food, vet costs, training, exercise, making sure they're nor left too long, kennels/sitter if you go away etc. But your stepson is 14, you and your husband can talk to him about this and make sure he understands that he needs to help with this. I'd also expect your husband to carry the majority of the dog related costs.

2. that's very true and what everyone who gets a puppy should do. However, this dog is here now, you're not supporting bad practise by taking on this dog.

3. I get that, but by saying no you are hurting your stepson, I don't think his mum will care or will learn any boundaries from you saying no.

Christ that's a tough one. I wouldn't want a dog foisted on me for god knows how many years either. Ultimately I don't think you're being unreasonable, but neither am I sure what the best course of action is.