To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

I understand why you don't want a dog , but the poor lad has been through enough without losing his dog, it seems cruel to me to even consider it.
I don't think the ethics of the dogs breed /background (unless it is a dangerous/banned breed) come into it now, it's already been purchased and homed .
Have a family discussion and lay out your expectations then give it a try ,you never know you could end up loving the dog.

💯 common sense.

Not everyone likes or wants a dog in their home, and that’s completely fine.

But in this case, given everything your DSS has been through especially how attached he is, a flat “no” does seem a bit harsh. It’s not the dog’s fault it came from a backyard breeder, and considering the abuse your DSS has faced, I dread to think what the dog went through too.

This isn’t about manipulation it’s about a boy who’s already lost so much and is terrified of losing the one bit of comfort he has. Maybe there’s a middle ground, something that protects your peace while giving him the reassurance and comfort he so desperately needs right now.

He knew the dog was with his mom and available if visitation ever resumed. Now he's facing the loss of his dog.

There's a huge difference.

You’d want an ‘ethically sourced’ dog, but you are prepared to send your traumatized DSS’s beloved dog to a shelter, rather than allow him to bring it? And also because you don’t want any to be ‘manipulated’ by his ex?
’Backyard breeders’ are far from ideal, but it doesn’t automatically mean that the dog is a health hazard or a problem,
If you are unwilling to commit to the needs of this dog, make it clear to your husband that he will need to step up and sort this practically and financially. Then encourage your stepson to take responsibility as his age permits and help him access some dog training. You might even be able to find some joy in watching the bond between him and his dog….
It may not be ideal, but your DSS must come first. You are the adult and I think you need to grow up TBH

Abusers often use pets as an extended form of abuse. My ex thought I'd left my cat when I fled him (I had to for one night) but I snuck back with my sister while he was working and we managed to get her and take her to a lovely family friend who had her for a few weeks while I sorted another house and he sent me texts saying he was feeding her poison or she had run away.

In my opinion your DSS needs his dog however there's a very real chance the animals has been neglected or abused and I'd recommend taking him with the condition that a qualified dog psychologist comes and works with him and that DH and DSS do all the necessary training and looking after if the dog.
Also one of the most ethical ways to source a dog is to take in a rescue which is what you'd be doing

I think you should take in the dog, but tell Dad and DSS it comes on the basis they care for it and it doesn't come upstairs (or whatever rules you want to put in place). I think it would be cruel not to. You do realise that this is his mother trying to emotionally abuse him again, and if you force him to part with the dog you're letting her do it? Grey rock her - sure, we'll take the dog. Don't give her a rise and she won't be getting what she wants. I would also try to get money from her to cover dog bills but guess in this scenario that is probably not feasible. If you insist the dog can't come I'd be advising the dad to put his son first and think about whether he'd be better off leaving you and taking the dog. If you're a great stepmother in every other way maybe that is a poor trade off, but your initial post is ringing alarm bells.

Again you have misunderstood what boundaries are and where responsibility lies and who in the hierarchy of need is first here.
the father has responsibility for his son. The mother is abusive. The OP is married to the father. The son is a minor and a victim.

son comes first
OP is completely in her rights to choose not to be involved with this arrangement and can leave the relationship. They will have to sort out asset split etc. no idea who owns the house etc but that’s what the divorce will determine.
what the OP can not do is insist her dh fails to provide the best care for his son because it doesn’t suit her.
once again
son comes first.

Sorry, meant to say i agree with pp's.

Or he was enjoying not having to care for the dog.

And thinks OP will do the same, look after the dog for him.

One very emotive post, no follow up... OP you comjng back?

It’s so easy for everyone to pressure you to take a dog you don’t want when it’s not them that will end up taking care of it.

You have already had the upheaval and extra responsibility of a child and it’s not fair to expect you to take a dog and be the villain if you say no. The only person that deserves to be made to feel bad is your step sons mother.

I feel deeply sorry for you OP having your life turned upside down like this, because of the circumstances you will appear the bad guy if you complain but your life is going to be a lot harder now and it’s inevitable that you are going to end up with a lot of caring duties for a teen and a dog unless you put your foot down.

If you do decide not to take on the dog you are going to be resented and blamed for making your step son more unhappy, it won’t be his mother that people focus on for making him unhappy it’ll be you.

I’d be having a long hard think about if you are prepared to stick with this long term, look at the step parenting board for an insight into your future.

I agree with a pp who noticed it’s all about boundaries on this site until you actually decide to set one, people reply without imagining themselves in the same situation.

If your husband is planning on taking full responsibility for parenting his son and looking after the dog without constantly relying on you then I’d maybe consider it, I’d make sure it’s not just words though and he actually means it. Dogs are a lot of work and change your house completely- especially big ones.

They get hair everywhere, they smell, they restrict you for holidays and even days out and having guests, they cost money, need walking in all weathers, they bark and can upset neighbours and unless very well trained they jump up on furniture and can be destructive and get hair all over your clothes. They aren’t a low maintenance pet.

If I was in your shoes now I’d be worried this is the start of a pattern where everything revolves around your step son and making him happy to make up for his past trauma and your needs will cease to exist.
I am fully sympathetic to your DSS after having a traumatic childhood myself and I know this will sound harsh to a lot of people and like I have no heart at all.

I just noticed that the majority of responses didn’t take your feelings into account at all and made you out to be heartless for not wanting a dog and extra responsibilities. I think this a sign of what’s to come for you and I wanted to balance out the replies.

Of course she got him a dog. One more inappropriate decision after another. No dogs in my house. DH can be his companion and security. Guaranteed you will end up cleaning feeding vetting be responsible for dog. Sadly yes there are many unloved and unwanted animals in this world but that doesn’t make you obligated to take the pet into your home

second two reasons are self absorbed, immature and ridiculous. It’s the SS home now and in these circumstances his needs come first, and it is a need, it wouod be unbelievably harmful to him and his relationships with you and his dad to send this animal to a shelter. If you need it framed to appeal to your self interest , SS will become a nightmare if you don’t.
sheesh that boys dad has shit taste in women right?

Your Point 1.

How old is the dog and what breed? Without this information this isn't a full argument against.

Your point 2.

Ethics is a completely obsolete point.

There are such rehoming shortages, healthy dogs, even puppies are being put down. Your almost certainly condemning the dog.

Your Point 3.

This woman is an abuser and clearly not well. She is not purposefully doing this to you. She is chaotic and that dog is likely getting abused in different ways to.

You are making me despair of humanity to be making this all about you. Sometimes in life we have to be completely unselfish in times of need. Do the right thing, an abused child is beyond fragile and all you need to do us give this a PROPER try and support your DH and step son. You might surprise yourself and thaw out your ice cold core and create a great attachment with the dog.

We’ve experienced a very similar situation, in fact almost exactly the same - I already had a dog when I moved it with my DP, his DC live with us due to same circumstances as OP, then we got cats but his ex is incapable of looking after the old family dog and as much as we could do without another dog & all the expense etc, I couldn’t say no given what my SC had been through. So now we have 2 dogs & 2 cats & it’s not cheap. But I couldn’t put the SC through anymore trauma by saying no.

What sort of dog? Are there any other small children at home?

I don’t like dogs and wouldn’t chose to own one. But if it’s a safe set up (ie not a dangerous breed and no toddlers at home or anything like that) I’d probably try and make it work in this situation. But I’d make it clear I want nothing to do with the dog.

I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. Well, you live with 2 other people and they do. Can you have rules such as 'not upstairs'. I think there's a level of compromise to be had.

I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise. Does your DH not work? Why is the financial burden or otherwise on you? If DH and DS's age to take care of all the dog's needs then I assume this isn't a problem.

If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder. You're reaching OP. The dog has been chosen already, it's nothing to do with you and not your responsibility in how it happened. You're not buying a new dog.

I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

I don't see it as manipulation. She just doesn't want the dog if the person who was meant to have the dog is not there. I'm not sure you would have kept the dog for 6 months if DSS moved out, you don't even want it when he's living with you!

Sorry OP. You do sound quite unpleasant. It is fine to be anxious about owning a dog but you could have come on to say that, or to ask for ideas of how to deal with that bit of just come across that your don't want a dog and that's that, regardless of DSS's needs.

The only thing that is relevant is your first point, but in the circumstances I would relent if you possibly can. You can make it clear you won’t be doing the work, and then DO NOT DO the work.

People on here are obsessed with dogs do you will let a lot of ‘team dog’ responses.
I like dogs and wouldn’t mind one, but there are some breeds that would be absolutely out of question. Also is it trained and well behaved. And who will walk it every day, buy food, vet bills etc?
But regardless of any of that, if you don’t want a dog in your home you shouldn’t be bullied into having one! It sounds like it’s still quite young so you are looking at years of responsibility. And when you go away, who will look after it etc…

That poor boy. Of course you take in the dog.

Again you have misunderstood what boundaries are and appear to believe that you can foist hierarchy of need on those who have not agreed to such demands. Just to be clear, nobody can ever force anybody to care for another person more than themselves - as has been seen by the boy's mother's behaviour. But it is expected that parents care more for their children's needs than their own wants, and usually their own needs too.

As OP is not the parent, that's moot.

As stated, she has not caused the boy's sadness, she is not responsible for it, she has no requirement either ethically or in any other way to harm herself by being coerced and bullied into doing something she has clearly stated she will not do and which will cause her harm.

She won't have the dog, so that's that.

The father can now decide if he finds that perfectly fair and reasonable boundary untenable and make his decisions based on that.

Yes with caveats. They are completely responsible for feeding, exercising, clearing up mess and vacuuming up dog hair. No dog on beds or sofas.

as much as I wouldn’t normally want a dog due to the commitment (I’ve got enough to do!) - in this case I’d take the dog.

similar to other posters I would first check it’s not a dangerous/banned breed (which I’m sure you already know); then make sure that its trained (or DH has the money to do so) and that you can afford the additional costs. I’d also make sure they are happy to do most of the walking and care.

bit due to the trauma and abuse I think saying no to the dog could cause even more distress and your relationship may also be destroyed.

Your husband is not wrong but I'd have to bow out at this point as I cannot live with a dog. Sat on the sofa and it comes up and starts licking you, licking at your feet, begging for your food or you shut it out and it whines and whines. You can no longer go anywhere that's not dog friendly and every holiday has to factor in a kennel stay, which is horrid for the dog and costs you loads. Your house covered with hair. Then it gets ill and that's a grand just to find out what the issue is.

Just no. I just couldn't. I'd leave DH and his son to it unfortunately and I mean that 100%.