To say NO WAY to stepsons dog living with me.

[ThickOfThorns]

DSS is 14. He has lived with DH and I for 6 months, following some physical, but mostly emotional abuse and neglect by his mother. This is court ordered and social services are involved. He has been through a hell of a lot, and at present, isn’t allowed to see his mother in person. There can be contact via the phone, provided it is supervised.

Whilst he was living with his mother, she purchased him a dog, which he has naturally become very attached to. The dog remained living with his mother when he moved in with us. She has now texted him, saying she can’t cope with the dog and we either take it (!) or she will take it to the Dog’s Trust. DSS is now devastated and begging us to take on his dog.

1. I do not want a dog, or any pet for that matter. I don’t want the responsibility, financial or otherwise.
2. If I were to get a dog, I’d want it to be sourced ethically, health tested and a breed that I’ve chosen. This dog was from a back yard breeder.
3. I am not prepared to be emotionally manipulated by DH’s ex, this is totally unacceptable and inappropriate, there needs to be some firm boundaries in place.

My DH thinks I am being unreasonable and as DSS has been through so much, we can’t take this away from him and should allow the dog to be rehoused with us. I think this is outrageous.

AIBU?

let Me correct that for you. The needs of the child come before the wishes of the partner. If these two aspects cannot be aligned the responsible parent should let the partner go

Better than death though. A friend of mine has one who lives outside and it's totally fine. It's not cruel in the slightest.

What kind of breed? Huge difference between a little lap dog and a mastiff.

Unless you are severely allergic, I'd allow it on the condition they do all the work.

A dog is not a need.

Team dog / son / husband

maybe they will push you out ???

that dog will mean so much to him at a time of turmoil

making the dog go into rescue is unforgivable

But how come the boy has not missed the dog till now ?
If it's remained with his mother whom he is not allowed to see. So how is it different if she sends it away?

Maybe OP can push them out? Why do people always assume the house belongs to the man?

Absolutely no fucking dog. End of.

I’m really sorry but please take the dog. For the child’s sake and the dog’s.

Good point, how come he never asked for the dog before.

Feeling mostly sorry for the poor dog, but YANBU - you don't want a pet, the end.

💯

You’ll be forever known as a shitty person if you don’t let him have the dog

For a child removed from his usual home due to neglect and trauma and not allowed contact with his mom, and now living with his dad and a cold stepmother, that dog might very much be a necessity. It might be the most affection he gets. He's bonded to the dog. He's already lost his home and mom and now his stepmom is going to get rid of his dog too.

Yeah, that's just what he needs right now. Remove his pet because it doesn't meet stepmom's ethical standards. 🙄

I'm not really a dog lover and wouldn't choose to have one, but your poor DSS has already been through far too much trauma. Having his dog with him could really help him to feel secure and teach him something about life and love and his own value. Let him have the dog.

OP hasn't stated that she owns the house so I dont know why one particular poster is obsessed with it being their house.

This is just another example of why people should think very carefully about bringing a new adult into their child's life. Particularly if that child has suffered trauma already.

OP has stated that them having this dog in their house would be outrageous. She's not unreasonable for not wanting a dog. She's unreasonable for causing further harm to child who didn't choose for this woman to be in his life. He has already 'lost" his mum and now the home his father shares won't feel like his own home.

I don't feel remotely sorry for OP but I am devastated for that poor child who will feel so ungrounded. And that is lifelong trauma in the making.

Maybe consider your future with this man OP as he has clearly made one too many enormous mistakes and his son has suffered enough.

Team child and dog. UNLESS it’s banned / dangerous breed.

as someone who has just lost my dog after 10 years I’m team dog

i got my lovely boy when I was going through the most emotionally devastating time of my life. I honestly think he saved me and my husband.

Dogs are wonderful emotional support companions and after what your DSS has been through I would give him that extra support

Additionally, as it obviously will not work for you at all, and you will be harmed by being forced to comply with this coercion, you will obviously be resentful. Every single person on this site would feel resentment about being forced to share their home with a dog they absolutely did not want and had clearly stated they did not want. This will impact your relationships further, and damage your marriage.

And, as they say, a dog is for life. So when your stepson leaves home, as young people are wont to do, you will then be left with the care of a dog you never wanted. That's extremely standard, kids leaving pets behind, and it is pie in the sky to pretend that when he moves out in a few years (as is likely) he can take the dog with him.

Your DH is being incredibly unkind and unfair to you here, sorry about that.

You are not "taking it away" from him either, his mother is.

If your DH has also raised your son's hopes he has been incredibly unkind to him too. He should have asked you what your decision was and backed you from the start instead of raising his hopes.

This is a one person veto situation. You have said no, so that's that.

Your stepson's sadness is a red herring here. You didn't cause it, you are not causing it and you should NOT be held responsible for it or forced to make yourself miserable in order to try to be kind to him. We can all feel sorry for him without making your life much harder.

And for the loons, I love dogs and would take the dog. I am just not unkind or lacking in empathy towards people in difficult situations which are not of their own making and would never try to coerce or emotionally bully someone into being forced to take a living creature into their life against their will.

No dog in my house thankyou
if DH wants the dog , he can find somewhere else to live ( assuming it’s your house )
If a joint house , then I would have nothing to do with said dog , and would have many , many rules which would be very strongly kept
But , said child is the most important , and I would be making plans to move on

You are well within your rights to not want the dog.

But after all the trauma SS has been through his dad needs to put him first - and move out if you don't want the dog.

You are so horrible to deny him This

I’m sorry to say that while dog ownership is one of my worst nightmares, I would take a dog in this scenario

Team dog. Make feeding and walking the dog his responsibility though. That poor boy.