Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Christmas Day perhaps take their feelings into account but they can’t tell you who you can have in your own home / that’s a bit much !

I think it's not their decision to make and I would be disappointed that my children wouldn't have more empathy towards someone who is on their own for Christmas. I grew up in a family where anyone who didn't have somewhere to go on Christmas day was welcomed.

Your hom invite who you like, assuming friend won't be unpleasant to your adult DC.

I don't see the problem with boxing day.

Its your home, invite who you want.

I'd accept their feelings re Christmas Day itself but they shouldn't get to block off the other two days.

This is interesting as there’s another post at the moment from an adult DCs perspective about how she doesn’t want to go to her parents anymore for Christmas as they’ve invited a neighbour to join. Similar story from two POVs!

I think I’m on the fence. I think it’s lovely you want to include Sheila if she is otherwise alone. And it’sa shame your children don’t share that empathy, and “more the merrier” outlook. I don’t think it’s great how your children think they can dictate what happens in your home.
However they’re away at uni, and looking forward to coming home for their home comforts and family time, and are worried about the change in dynamic.

Could you find a middle ground and just invite Sheila for a part of the day? Maybe for a festive breakfast? And then she still gets to do something nice and isn’t alone, but she’ll be gone by 11am and your family can have the day together?

This is the compromise I would make. I've spent many a Christmas working or on my own when I was younger and the world didnt end. I am sure Sheila would be happy to socialise with you on Boxing Day.

As an adult child, coming from home uni was a very important time for me. If my mum then said we had to share Christmas with someone I didn’t know, I’d be gutted.

Could you find a middle ground and just invite Sheila for a part of the day? Maybe for a festive breakfast? And then she still gets to do something nice and isn’t alone, but she’ll be gone by 11am and your family can have the day together?

I feel like this will be very awkward to manage- how can you ask someone to leave at 11am? this feels worse than not inviting her at all to me

Why on earth are you asking your children's permission? Your house, your rules. Your children sound unkind and unwelcoming tbh, I'd be so disappointed in them.

I think it"s a shame your children have no compassion or kindness to show someone you care about who will be alone on Christmas day. I would be quite disappointed in them for being selfish.

Could you suggest you 4 have a special breakfast together and open presents, have a glass of champagne etc then invite Sheila for 2pm or so for lunch and a walk afterwards?

Christmas is one of the only times I am in a room with all my family - actually it’s the only time in a year. After lunch I’m straight in pyjamas, watching telly, everyone is relaxed. Maybe your Christmas is different but I don’t think a stranger to most of the family fits into this dynamic. I see close friends either side of Christmas but it just feels too intimate on Christmas Day.

I would have hated this at your children’s ages but my mum wouldn’t have done it!

I’d make a stronger case for Boxing Day OP. Is it likely that your young people will go out/ see their own friends?

I’d probably say “Would you like to join us for a breakfast from 9-11 on Christmas Day?”

I’m team DC, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable with strangers in the house. Horrible to feel like that when you’re looking forward to coming home for Christmas.

I have a DC at uni and I can imagine he'd be gutted if he was looking forward to a quiet family Christmas and there was a stranger there. I'd make sure you catch up with your friend while her DC are away - several times if you like - but protect the three days that your DC have asked for.

Whilst I might not agree with your DC, I think you might want to consider the impact on possible decisions they might make in future regarding where they spend Christmas.

I think it's a bit mean of them to be honest. I'm a volunteer for age concern and used to go and see a lovely old boy and he would come to me christmas day as I couldnt bear the thought of him being on his own. It wouldn't have occurred to my 23 year old son to say he couldn't come and if he did I would have said tough luck. Say to your kids fair enough, I won't invite her then but then make sure they spend the whole day with you, not disappearing off into their rooms.

You should have just said Sheila is coming and not engaged anymore. Very mean of them, I would be very disappointed with their lack of empathy.

I'm Team DC. What if they said, look it's our time to relax, you are welcome to invite whoever you want, but we might go to a friend's then, or not come back? It is also presumably their house too?

I can understand that your DC will be shattered and just want to hang out with close family rather than being polite to a stranger.

Could you meet your friend out of the house on Boxing Day? Walk plus tea and cake locally?

They don't get a say
Unless they are paying the bills and buying and cooking the food ...thought not ..
Tell them Shelia is coming for Christmas day and if they don't like it ,they don't have to come .
I would be very disappointed if my adult children tried this ..but they wouldn't,as I'd just laugh

this is a good example of don’t ask a question you don’t want the answer to. You asked if they were happy/comfortable with having her and they said no. That isn’t being controlling it is answering what you asked

And What do you want from Christmas? Because Sheila isn’t your responsibility and yes it may be nice to put forward a invite but ultimately is it worth it for upsetting your children.

you do have to see how having her there would change dynamics and also puts her in a difficult position as well I am not sure if I were Sheila missing my kids I would want to be around someone else’s it - that would be a massive kick in the teeth

@Blizzardofleaves do you always have a desire to try and fix things, make things better to make you feel better because this doesn’t feel like the best idea for either side

i would take her out somewhere for lunch just the two of you in the Christmas period

On the face of it they're being unkind and it’s your house to do as you please. But, I wouldn't like having to make polite chit-chat with a stranger, hell, I’m not that keen on chit-chatting with my in-laws of decades! 😂

Goodwill to all men and that-