Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Personally, I would remind my young adult children what Christmas should be about (although, they should really know by now).

I think posters are confusing the word 'introverted' with the word 'selfish' a lot these days!

Would your DC invite someone for Christmas if they knew one of their mates was on their own? We nearly ended up with DS's mate for Christmas as he wasn't going home for Christmas (long haul) but another family stepped in for the day, but we had him stay for a couple of days

I have the opposite situation- DD has asked me whether she can invite a uni friend to stay over Christmas as there’s some family tensions and she really doesn’t want to go home.

Anyway, re. your friend. I’d say invite her for Christmas lunch. She may decline but you’re giving her the option. Your children can be welcoming for one meal-remind them that it’s supposed to be the season of goodwill and for a few hours, they can be kind to someone who’s had a difficult year.

I get it, I am super awkward and feel like tone with my mum is taken away from me, but at the same time, people need to remember that their parents have their own lives and build their own relationship and friendships, outside of being mum and dad. Our parents are allowed to want to emotionally support their friends in shit situations. I’ve been in this situation both as the kid who didn’t want Mam inviting a stranger, but also as friend.

Was I happy I had to share Xmas lunch with a stranger? No. But my friend was in this situation last year and seeing his how shit it was for her to face the first Xmas alone after having it with her husband and kids, I’m thankful my young adult daughter understood that sometimes, me emotionally supporting people I care about can’t always happen when it’s convenient for the rest of the family.

They are being unreasonable i bet there tune will suddenly change next year when they want to bring a boyfriend/ girlfriend home for Christmas. I cant even remember the last time we had Christmas without somebody's new partner who nobody knows come over.

This sort of happened to me in the past.
I had a person to Xmas lunch who I hardly knew. In this case, the extra guest was not a freidn, but someone I'd only met once before.
This woman was a friend of my D-DIL, who would otherwise be on her own over Xmas. (no family in UK).
My adult DD complained,(privately to me, as she has sufficient good manners to not complain in front of the guest), as she felt she did not know her, although the Xmas day went off OK, and this extra person was no trouble at all. I even had a small present for her, etc.
Now, many years later, my DD says what a nice thing it was, that we had someone who would otherwise be on her own. And she regrets her earlier resitance.
I think the point is, that at the time she was young, but now with the maturity that comes as she has got older, she sees things differently.
Of course this may not apply to others, and does not mean the OP has to invite her friend.
In this case, the OP can take the friend out separately over the Xmas period.

@youalright that's a good point! In fact I'm surprised they are not planning to see friends over those days (including possible partner)

@ChronicallyConfusedOnEarth I agree and that’s why I suggested just inviting Sheila over for Christmas lunch. Christmas Eve and Boxing Day can still be family time.

Who knows, they could be alone at Christmas at some point in the future and appreciate another family’s generous spirit.

I would be so disappointed in my DC for this

I don’t think many parents have the authority to tell their adult children what they can and can’t do. Same applies here. This is simply adult children taking over the house that is not theirs, that they do not maintain or pay for.

How about “you are an adult now living in my house and you don’t have any right to dictate to me or tell me what will happen”. And then we see why fewer young adults make the shift promptly to independent living - why would they?

I don't think it's particularly controlling of them to say they don't want to spend the three actual celebration days with someone they don't know and who isn't likely to be in the best of spirits. And I can see why they don't see it as being in keeping with a family Christmas.

Obviously it's not their decision, but if you're wanting them to want to spend Christmases with you, ignoring the things that are important to them is unlikely to encourage that.

Was the disaster last year in part because you (or DH) insisted on having Christmas with the in-laws over objections from them?

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve

do you know that it is an issue?

I completely agree.
Invite your friend over for NYE & New Years day if you really want them to stay, but Christmas day? No way, just because they’re at uni, it’s still their home & they don’t know this person.

Blocking all 3 days is entitled though.

This is fairly hypocritical in itself isn't it?

If it's just a day because people aren't actually celebrating the religious festival then this isn't uniquely applicable to the people who don't want to host; if it's "just a day" then the OP and Sheila can have a big lunch and exchange presents on some other day when Sheila's children are with her ex and it'll be just the same surely?

It's a cultural festival of over eating and (for some an amount of) drinking and consumerism, or it's time to be cozy with the people you love most, or it's a big "the more the merrier" party for whoever wants to come, or it's a time for virtue signalling and making sure everyone feels awkward but pretends to be grateful to show an imaginary audience that they're good people... Or it's all about tradition, church, stress of serving up a traditional meal single handed while everyone else watches TV and gets the kids hyped whilst drinking wine... Or it's just a day when the shops are shut and you can eat pizza in your pyjamas and read a book uninterrupted while your children are having a big Christmas dinner and presents with their dad and you have to come up with a cover story to stop people feeling sorry that you aren't participating in one of the other versions....

Nobody on here knows what Sheila wants and what Christmas is to her, all we've been told is that the OP's adult children favour the cozy pyjamas with family version and their mum favours a the more the merrier version...

Hold on, have you actually asked Sheila what her views are on this?

Because she might not actually want to come to yours at Christmas.

All the people screeching that your DC are unkind -if I was spending my first Christmas without my children with me, I literally cannot think of anything worse than spending it with another family who have theirs with them and having to watch whilst they exchange presents etc. I would probably be in floods of tears seeing that. It would destroy me and be a reminder of what I didnt have.

I think it's far more sensitive to Sheila that you suggest a meet up on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve, less likely it will upset her.

I think your DC are being very mean 1) To think that their needs trump your friend's who will be on her own when they'll likely never spend xmas alone and 2) To deny their Mum having her friend over, Mum who is I assume cooking all the dinner and paying all the bills/mortgage etc for them to have their house to go back to.

If I had have come back for xmas while at Uni, and tried to pull anything like this on my parent's choices as to who to have for xmas they'd have either laughed, or thought I'd gone actually mad.

No, they are not little kids enjoying the - magic' of Christmas and all that bollocks. They are fully grown adults.
About 5 years ago I mentioned that I was going to ask my friend over for Christmas dinner as her divorce came through in the summer. He adult children were in New Zealand. DS1 said it would be great to see her Ds2 said it would be nice and dh said ' no problem, better than being alone'
She didnt come in the end, the kids clubbed together and paid for the air fare to go over but it wouldnt be a problem if she had wanted to come and stop over.

I get it may change the dynamic but so what, life isn't static, things change and the children are over for the holidays which is more than just Christmas day and Bixong day. I'd be mad at your Op for being so bloody entitled they thing they can tell you what to do.

I dont get all the 'it's their house too' . No its not. It's the family home but how many times on mumsnet do we hear the advice to the parent when the adult child isnt pulling their weight or going against parents wishes in the home , 'your house, your rules' or fo we just cherry pick that point when it suits?

Slightly off topic, but I think we need to get some perspective about how tired these young adults are. I have two at university and yes they come home tired. But they have been studying hard and partying at university, not trekking through the Himalayas. Some perspective is needed. They will recover with a few days at home.

I’m team DC. If you want to see Sheila, why not make your own plans to see her over the festive period instead?

I think some commenters are being a bit mean. It sounds like they had a really horrible Christmas last year, as a result you’ve promised them a quiet, relaxed chrisTmas and they don’t know Sheila isnt going to get drunk and fall over this year. Appreciate that’s probably unfair on your friend, but you did promise them a quiet family Christmas due to what sounds like a horrible experience

If you want to see Sheila at Christmas, why don’t you go to hers? Even if it’s for a drink and a chat in the evening or something.

But equally, do you know that Sheila wants company at Xmas? She might be looking forward to some boxes bingeing whilst downing a bottle of Baileys and eating mince pies.

Eh? I don't understand previous responses at all
you promised them a quiet chilled Christmas after a terrible one last year. They are at uni so still young. You now want to add someone they don't know to their Christmas which will pretty much ruin it for them. Prioritise your kids.

I think it just being immediate family on Christmas Day is fair enough but you can have your friend over any other day over Christmas!