Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Friends are just as important as family.

you read about it all the time on here… women who devote every ounce of their time and energy to their children and when their children then fly the nest they are so lonely because they have neglected their friendships, not got any other hobbies and interests, etc.

both family AND friends are important.

Promises are important, too.

OP made a promise to her kids, and many people are encouraging her to break that promise. Her kids are not unreasonable in wanting her to keep it.

What an awful child your parents have

My uni friend came home with me for Christmas a few times as she couldn't afford a flight back to her home country.

As you have said OP..Sheila is a big character who tends to talk over people when she's had a drink.
I feel..from what you have said..that this is not the atmosphere your dcs are wanting this Christmas.
Difficult as you are. a good friend and obviously have empathy for Sheila and don't want her to be alone
If you DO invite her you might be on edge trying to keep the air calm and trying to manage chatty Sheila your dcs who want to be quiet and relax.
A before or after meet up with Sheila might be the way to go.
Ignore any hints from her...you are not her entertainment officer..and your family come first

@saraclara

but things change, life happens - surely these two young adults wouldn’t want someone with no family to be all alone at Christmas??

Why do you think that? Lots of people with no family are alone at Christmas and that's not an issue for the vast majority of the population. Not many people go around welcoming strangers into their small family gatherings at Christmas - the fact it would make their Christmas celebration less enjoyable being one of the big reasons. Why do you think these two young people are going to be different from everyone else?

Are you going to gather up various people who would otherwise be alone and Xmas and host them for dinner?

Things changed for Sheila. Life happened for her. She wasn’t expecting to get divorced when she got married. That doesn’t mean others have to “rescue” her as a result.

@RawBloomers

she isn’t a stranger though - she’s mum’s mate. Surely if either of these young people had a friend in need over Christmas they would invite them back to spend Christmas with them and OP. Op would be expected to cater for them and welcome them etc as they are friends with her DC. So why isn’t it ok if it’s the other way round?

@ChillBarrog

strangers, no. Friends or family, yes. Sure why, not? I’m not someone who needs to lock myself in on Christmas Day with “my little family” only and look like shit in pyjamas all day in order to have a good Christmas!

just because you aren’t doesn’t mean others don’t want exactly that

people are different, it is the beauty of life.

the OP asked her children and they answered. Would the OP have answered differently - perhaps yes because she likes hosting

Even if your children have explicitly asked for a quiet family only Christmas AND you have agreed to that?

@ChillBarrog

i would explain to them about the situation and see what they said. I think most young people wouldn’t mind - they’re at uni, they probs can’t wait to get it all over and done with and be back out and about at pubs, clubs and afters with their pals!

I think lots of DC might ask their parents if they could bring a friend the parents didn’t know home for Christmas, but I don’t think there are many families where they wouldn’t think there’s a fair chance of a refusal. Especially if they’d had a couple of terrible Christmases and the parents were hoping for a particularly calm/relaxed/easy going one.

And I think parents accepting a child’s friend into the home are in a very different position where they have more control over the impact of that friend on their own enjoyment (because it’s much more acceptable for them to say along the lines of “Sorry [friend] we don’t do that in this household, why don’t you do X instead?”).

That’s what OP has done and her DC do mind.

Your children are horrible adults!!! Horrible!! This needs spelling out to them!! Sheila has no one and not even her children for Xmas and your children aren’t the boss of you! They are being extremely controlling and nasty to a woman they don’t know and entitled and selfish! I would be appalled and ashamed if they were my children

You sound a bit unhinged.

I imagine your children are appalled and ashamed of you with this attitude.
And they don't trust you.

You have no idea if they would do that. Maybe they’d hate the idea of bringing a friend home for Christmas.