Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

Completely agree ..that could well be the case
But ..you at least ask her if she would like to join in ..if she says no ,that's her perogative

We always have extras for Christmas, random neighbours, friends, a random locus doctor DH brought home from work with no warning for Christmas lunch. It’s the way we’ve always been.

one year it was one of my sons friends and his mum who would have been just the two of them.

I couldn’t enjoy any part of Christmas if we could show some kindness to someone who is having a rough time and didn’t.

Yeah - I posted on the other thread. Having a random person that some people don’t know totally changes the dynamic from relaxed to having to put a lot of effort in. My DC would hate a stranger bring there but would absolutely be up for longtime friend that they knew we’ll being there.

So @Blizzardofleaves Im another who would say “no” to Christmas Day but probably “yes” to Boxing Day.

Will your DC go out with friends on Christmas Eve? If yes, I’d have friend over then. If Christmas Eve is also a family event then probably not. DH and I often worked alternate christmas days so we had a tradition of a family party on Christmas Eve.

I'm with your kids on this and I have university aged children. I wouldn't want to go to my Mum's and spend it with a random neighbour.

Oh i'm team your kids

You cant be your full self when someone else is around! Put them first imo xx

Christmas is all about being charitable imho and your DC shouldn't be ruling the roost like this - maybe it's time to encourage them to have some compassion?

I don't think this is the year to do it, given the mess that happened last year. If you add Sheila to the mix now, you'll probably find they'll make other plans from next year. So I'd enjoy Christmas with them this year, being chill/Sheila-free on those days and maybe she can meet them in a nice low-key way on one of the other days, and then next year there'll be more to play for. For this year, you already promised them a peaceful one and as you say, you don't owe Sheila a Christmas Day invite, see plenty of her the rest of the time and she likely has other friends/family/options and is not your issue to resolve. When she agreed to DC going away for Christmas, she'll have been making her own back-up plans.

I must have done something wrong with my DS as he is busy sorting out paid work for when he is home in Christmas holidays from uni and is hoping he gets to work on Christmas Day (hospitality) for more money. he probably wouldn't notice if we had an extra person at the table as he won't be there. He also spends other parts of the holiday catching up with local friends

I personally would prefer to be alone on Christmas Day and have been in the past- it was fine.

Not everyone feels the same as you!

It's absolutely compatible with a relaxing christmas to have a guest to join the conversation over lunch

For some people, yes. Not for everyone. I wouldn't find it relaxing at all.

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't invite her friend; it's up to her of course.

But I think the people who say 'the more the merrier' and 'it makes Christmas more fun to have new people there' aren't taking into account that some people really, really are not energised or enthusiastic about having to make small talk with strangers, which is what the OP's friend is to her adult children.

DP and I are having my mum and my brother over for Christmas and there is no way on earth that the four of us would be able to share the same kind of jokes and conversation if my mum brought a random friend with her that none of us had ever met. I don't get to spend very much time with my family and the time I do spend with them is precious, and I want to be able to spend it laughing over all the weird stuff, in-jokes, silly memories etc that we have as a family, rather than making polite small talk with someone I've never met and worrying about her feeling left out.

I completely understand that lots of people do love meeting new people and have a 'more the merrier' mindset, and good for them. If I can understand their point of view, I think the 'more the merrier' people could perhaps try a bit harder to understand the point of view of those for whom 'more' doesn't feel 'merrier' at all.

It's the OP's prerogative to invite whoever she wants for Christmas and if she wants her friend to come, of course she can ask her, and her kids will have to deal with it. But I think people could at least try to understand why the kids don't fancy it much.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. - good example of where 'more the merrier' approach falls down. I'd stick to the promise you made.

Honestly the amount of emotional manipulation and hypocrisy on this thread is absolutely ridiculous.

Telling the OP that if she doesn’t do as her children say she should accept that they won’t have anything to do with her in future. If that was said in a relationship it would be emotional abuse, so why is it any more acceptable to say it to someone in any other circumstance.

As for Christmas, it’s a day. Let’s not pretend that the majority of people on here celebrate actual Christmas, you know, the birth of Christ and all that. I don’t either fwiw. But for most people it’s a fancy meal, a couple of presents, and people seriously think that anyone should have the monopoly on that? Should be allowed to dictate how someone in the house they barely live in any more be allowed to spend it?

They’re adults now. It’s time they started behaving as such. In fact if they were children they wouldn’t get a say, and maybe they can have one if they start paying the bills.

It’s hardly surprising that most gen Z’s are no longer able to function in the real world given how no-one ever challenges them before they reach it.

Yes it's your house and your rules but they're coming home for Christmas and are looking forward to relaxing and spending time with you. Sheila being there will probably drive them to their rooms! Personally I'd want to spend it with them. It's up to you really as it is your house.

Interestjng to see the differing responses between this and the other thread about sharing Christmas day with a friend

I have reasonable often invited people to spend Christmas with us, often foreign students who were not going home. I wouldn’t enjoy my Christmas if I thought someone was having a miserable time and I could have done something about it.

You promised your adult children a family Christmas. You need to honour that especially after last year which they had no control over. Invite Sheila over a couple of days later

I voted YABU but not for wanting Sheila round, but for feeling sad about your children just wanting the four of you. There is a massively different dynamic as soon as any other person is introduced, and I think Xmas eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day should be a time when family that are completely comfortable around each other should be together- now is not the time for sheila

Well its your house OP so you get to decide.

However, if I was your adult child I wouldnt feel comfortable talking about stuff I had got up to at uni with a stranger present and it would definitely inhibit me in what I shared.

So, if you invite her just be prepared that the dynamic WILL change and it will likely be a lot of polite small talk rather than sharing of family details.

In this situation I'd prioritise my dc, they had a shit Christmas last year. There won't be many years left to all be together. I would ask them again though, expksin how maybe it might work out. If not could you pop round and see Sheila at some point, or plate up some Christmas dinner to take round.

@Blizzardofleaves how much time did DC spend with you over Christmas last year?

It’s giving the inviter the dopamine hit of“being kind” at the expense of the other guests.

That said it’s the host who is doing the work and paying who gets to decide.

when you say they're put a line through Xmas eve and boxing day too, does that mean they're absolutely not going out with friends etc or without you?

Yes, I think a few people are missing that this is supposed to be the "at home with family" Christmas. For all we know it's back to the in-laws again next year.

By the time I was in third year of uni I'd met my now-husband and got a retail job in my uni town so I didn't even go home for Christmas for a few years. OP might want to enjoy while it lasts.

I would ask Sheila round for coffee and mince pies on Christmas Day, at about 4pm. By then your dc will have had their Christmas.

I would also dislike having someone I didn't know round for actual Christmas Day, however a fair compromise is to invite Sheila round on Boxing Day for mince pies and mulled wine!