Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

i am agreeing with your DC as I am in the same position myself with a widowed neighbour. Luckily she does have an other offer now but I just know that the DC would not like it and I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable during the short time that they are home.

you don’t make much allowance for the op ever putting herself first do you? Must. prioritise. Adult. Children. At. All. Times even while bending over backwards to cook and clean for Christmas. (Having read all the ops posts I do not believe these entitled young adults are planning to do so much as lay the table for Christmas much less go in the actual kitchen, it sounds like my 7yo will be doing more christmas prep work than they are and we aren’t even hosting.)

She never promised them 3 solid days of not having to talk to anyone or be in the room with anyone non family. She could meet her promise by not having the friend around for Christmas Day itself.

Where is inviting another person for dinner the OP putting herself first? Sheila has been dropping hints to the OP so the OP feels guilty that isn’t about her needs at all

secondly she asked - she said were they ok and they answered very much following the maxim don’t ask a question if you don’t like the answer

also Boxing Day they are out for a meal so clearly socialising with others!

And have you read the OPs posts @99bottlesofkombucha because

they are looking forward to cooking together

and they definitely help at Christmas

implies very much the opposite. She also makes it clear entertaining has been done before and they are before very welcoming just this time with a stranger they aren’t for what seem to be perfectly acceptable reasons

Actually I just read again the DC were planning on cooking the whole Christmas meal!

I can't understand why they think they even have a veto in the first place. We occasionally had similar when I was a similar age (mainly Australians who weren't going home for Christmas) and it would never have occurred to me to tell my mum 'no, you can't have your friend over for Christmas '. Honestly, it's just Christmas, and whilst it's special to them which is nice, they do need to grow up and adapt to different Christmas' over life

They will have plenty of control when they have their own families and homes (and might even be grateful some years that you have other people in your life than just them, especially if they're doing visits to in laws etc)

thank goodness for you all that Sheila isnt coming
that was a lucky escape imo

@LittleLeggs they didn’t veto they were asked what they thought and they said no

This ☝️ nailed it 💯

Personally in out house we have:
Christmas day = preparations 😇
Christmas day = family. 🥰
Boxing day = friends / open house. 🏠
@Blizzardofleaves

They are going out for a meal to a restaurant that has live music from memory of the posts that is a tradition and one the OP is quite happy with I think

I firmly believe family time is sacred. Your children don’t know her. Yes it would be a kind gesture, but your kids deserve to have that time with their family. In a few years, they’ll start having their own Christmases with partners etc so you should savour every year it just your family, especially now they’re older with their own lives.

A nice walk on boxing day sounds lovely 🥰 and possibly pass her Xmas gift then? It's something to look forward to 😇
I hope you and your family have a merry christmas xx

I think they think they have a veto because the OP asked them their opinion? Just a guess.

I wonder what those calling the OP’s children selfish and lacking in empathy would have said if the thread was about a uni age child not coming home for Christmas because they had a friend who’d be alone otherwise?

My bet is the OP would be told their child should be putting family first; that friendships come and go, and family is forever.

Well I for one, would make sure that both young people knew they were welcome and expected.
Other people can speak for themselves.

I’d be absolutely fine with them choosing to spend it with a friend - friends are just as important as family.

This.

Oh piss off with your holier than thou, you know what we mean. If there’s someone there that they don’t know, it utterly changes the dynamic and the relaxed family only atmosphere. Of course her presence is going to make things awkward and uncomfortable. Much like you sanctimoniously and doggedly yapping on and on.

And “just not wanting to” is absolute FINE when it’s THEIR Christmas at home. Not everyone has to be a sucking up martyr.

@SageSorrelSaffron their mother asked them whether they thought/felt and if they were ok with it and they answered as I assume we want our children too truthfully.

if she had wanted it and said this is happening and then they tantrummed then maybe you would have a point

but she asked and they answered

I agree in general that you shouldn't ask someone an open question when you only consider one response to be the acceptable one.

What awful children you have. The world revolves around them doesn't it?

No she doesn't.

They had a terrible couple of Christmases. OP promised them a quiet family Christmas. Now she wants to go back on her word. She asked them how they felt about it and they replied with honesty. She needs to keep her word, otherwise she's the one being awful.

'Family time is sacred.' 🤮