Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

God, no to the festive breakfast! We spend until at least lunchtime in clean PJs and slippers. Nobody wants guests at 9am.

However they’re away at uni, and looking forward to coming home for their home comforts and family time, and are worried about the change in dynamic.

This is how I used to feel. They're not "adult" in the sense that they can stay at home with partner and kids or housemates. This is their only "home".

This is exactly my quandary. They will just want to be in pjs and relax, neither want to dress up and entertain on Christmas Day. Last year really affected them, up to now they have been so kind and easy going. Last year my in laws and their adult and teen dc were falling over drunk and scared their own dogs. It was so stressful, and unpleasant, I think my dc just want to have a peaceful Christmas this year.

My dd will only have been home a day so going out on Christmas Eve feels difficult too, as I haven’t seen her since September. Boxing Day we have a traditional restaurant lunch we go to all afternoon with live music. So not easy then either….

To all those people agreeing with the children
You would seriously.... seriously leave a good friend alone on Christmas day ????
Have we totally forgotten what Christmas is about

This. I’d tell the entitled little sods to jog on.

We had a friend for Christmas day in 2020 when everyone's plans were disrupted (we had two supermarket orders set up and cancelled the 'away' one when we could see we weren't going 'away'). My DCs really liked it and they are much younger (but they know her,).

Your DCs need to be more compassionate.

ETA but definitely not just for breakfast - that's mad.

To be fair, I'd feel hella awkward intruding on a family's Christmas Day and would prefer to meet up on a less pressured day like Boxing Day or the period in between xmas and NYE. I also think it could really rub salt into the wound if she's away from her own kids.

Your house your rules and your adult kids would do well to think of others at Christmas. I know I wouldn't be dictated to by my adult DD but there's always a compromise in every home.

It’s possible your friend wouldn’t want to come. I’ve had Christmas Day alone several times and loved it. I made sure to see family on Christmas Eve and friends on Boxing Day - perhaps you could add your friend to your Boxing Day restaurant booking?

I appreciate it’s a difficult one but Shelia isn’t a family friend , she is your friend so the dynamics will likely be very stilted and stiff - not great for Christmas Day, particularly after the awful time you had last year.

Also how confident are you that Shelia won’t have one sherry / glass of wine too many or becomes upset as the day becomes too much for her being without her DC for the first time. While I feel for your friend there are things she could be doing to help her self - does she have other friends who might invite her ( are you assuming it has to be you to invite her ? ) Are you certain she wants to be out on Christmas Day or does she want to be on her own - Many other threads on MN about the delights of being on your own for Christmas Day. What you don’t want to do is set yourself up for becoming her Christmas default every year. Of course you can invite her for a breakfast clearly stating it’s 9.30 - 11.30 or whatever. My mum did this for years with friends in the village all were clear it was breakfast ( coffee and croissants / mince pies and a glass of bubbly ) then everyone went home to their family Christmas.

After the awful experience of last year, coupled with your DC just being back from uni I think on balance I’m on team DC and making it a family only relaxing day from lunchtime onwards.

So now no one can invite a friend for Christmas lunch because family don’t want another person in the house so they can wear fucking pyjamas all day.

I don’t see this as progress.

Could Boxing Day be about lazing around in pjs instead?

When i read the title, I didnt expect to side with the DC. But children at uni are not really “adult children”. Adult children are 25+ and have (or at least should have) their own home.

If they were adult children, I’d 100% say “You are hosting, you decide who is invited”. But i think whilst they are still at uni, your home is still theirs as well.

Is your friend actually looking for someone to spend Christmas with? I ask this as someone who has spent Christmas alone on multiple occasions - its not the awful thing people make it out to be! I would hate to be asked and encroach on family time.

I have an adult DD. I’d think I really fucked up somewhere if she objected at having another person around the Christmas table. I’d genuinely be gobsmacked if she did that.
I’d have a stern word with your children if I were you. It’s Christmas.

they are not at uni forever and won’t be living with you in their term holidays forever - if they have up coming exams personally I would give them leeway.

maybe on Christmas it’s lunch as a family and your friend can come in the evening for games and they can invite friends in the evening for games too

This.

Perhaps have your family Christmas Dinner in the afternoon and invite Sheila round later for some drinks in the late afternoon/evening. But if you really want her there, then invite her! I always remember the kindness of my mum inviting my friend to Xmas dinner when I was a young adult, because friend was alone in a hostel. I can't imagine saying no to anyone's friend if they're alone.

I would hate this as well. It completely changes the dynamic with a stranger there, you just can't relax. However Christmas Eve and Boxing Day should be fair game.

Wow these threads are so depressing. I have no family or friends either and pretty much spend all Christmases alone.

It’s always the DC not wanting to share the days which surprised me as I felt they may have had more empathy and would be more tuned into the real spirit of Christmas perhaps than the previous generation. Unfortunately looks like the ‘I’m alright Jack’ mentality persists.

And for those saying they’d ‘hate it’, that seems a bit strong and over exaggerated response to a parent saying that a dear friend of there’s is invited over becuase otherwise they’ll be alone. So basically DC dictating friendship should just be on terms of convenience with no meaningful impacts when times are tough.

I don't think they are unreasonable to want a family Christmas, especially after last year!

It would be different if it was your best friend or sister or something.

I think you should prioritize your kids, unless you are happy to risk distancing yourself from them by prioritizing someone who is much less your responsibility than your kids are.

Why not invite others who are alone at Christmas round to yours then?

win/win for everyone - you could make it a tradition

Does she actually want to come to yours? Clearly, your family don't know her so that would be a very awkward and weird Christmas Day for her, emphasising that she's not with her own kids.

Personally I believe that you should prioritize making friends and (if you are young enough and able) creating a family - this is much more likely to be successful than seeking to change human nature.

It’s not fucked up to be an introverted person, thanks

I think they could compromise and Shelia could come on Boxing Day. If they knew Shelia it would be less of an issue I presume.

lol I have no friends or family as I said and wfh which compounds it.

Im more responding to how those elderly, or even young and alone who do have friends may feel.

Not everyone is a “the more the merrier” type. Some people find the enjoyment of the day decreases as the group grows.