Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

I hate the idea of anyone on their own for Christmas. We have a very specific set of traditions with my family and some family friends that we all enjoy. Adding new people does change the dynamic but, because there are so many people in the house, it doesn’t feel as noticeable. When my parents first mentioned the idea of the family friends joining for Christmas, my sister and I were unimpressed and didn’t want it to happen. It’s now a massive part of Christmas and they’ve been spending it with us for 20 years.

However, I think it makes a huge difference that you have promised them a family Christmas and would then invite a random woman they don’t know. Massively changes the dynamic! They’re entitled to their own feelings on this and you did ask them!

My mum’s friend went through a nasty divorce a couple of years ago and there was a chance she’d be on her own for Christmas. I suggested we invite her for the day but we have all known her for 30+ years.

I agree with this. I can appreciate we all spend Christmas differently but my family certainly aren’t the “lounge around in pjs all day” type on Christmas Day. We are up and at it quite early, nice breakfast, dog walk, glittery outfits for Christmas lunch etc. We do wind down quite early and chill a bit more in the evening. Our Boxing Day is usually a lot more chill, crisp walk then loungewear, TV and quality street!

This. It’s your house, if you want to extend an invitation to someone who would otherwise be on their own, then you should do so. Your children need a little more empathy and a little less entitlement.

Sheila might not feel comfortable in someone else's home with people she doesn't know, especially as your DCs dont sound very welcoming.
Why not ask her over for a meal on boxing day, or if she prefers her own company, suggest taking some food to her home for her, assuming she lives nearby?

It is to be introverted and selfish to the point you override your parents wish to want one of their own friends over and veto all 3 dates!

Quite honestly I'm with your DC here, I can see why they wouldn't want an extra person whom they have never met to be invited for Christmas day. It would change the whole dynamic and indeed the day itself.
They just want to be together with you and to be able to relax as a family.
Indulge them this once, have your friend over on Boxing Day.

While I do get the feeling from the adult DC - I can say my parents would not have asked me and I' really glad I grew up thinking christmas was for considering others!

We often had waifs and strays - people without family, friends of ours maybe who didn't feel safe at home =- or visiting relatives we didn't know - I can think of lots of examples.

This is such an important lesson in life. Tell your kids they can relax for nearly the entire day but your friend is going to arrive just before lunch and that will be a social welcoming time - as christmas is meant to be

We live in such a solipsistic, lonely atomised society - I absolutely could not allow a friend to be alone in difficult times bcause my adult kids wanted to lie in their pajamas for a couple hours more than otherwise.

You can also tell your friend the kids are tired and will be slopping about!

You did though set their expectations by telling them it would be a fuss free family Xmas this year with just you guys, so it feels like you’re backtracking on that promise now. Different in a way if they know her, but it’s awful when you don’t know someone to have to spend forced time with them, as unless you’re an out there extrovert, it can be draining and miserable. Something you don’t want on Xmas day. Can’t you spend the bulk of Xmas day as promised, just family, and then maybe in the evening just pop to your friends just yourself, with a bottle and spend an hour or so with her?

I think we have collectively lost our hearts - I read SO often on mumsnet 'put yourself first' 'set boundaries' 'why should they do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable'..where does this lead?

It's absolutely compatible with a relaxing christmas to have a guest to join the conversation over lunch - then the big kids can slope off !

They then learn that everything isn't about putting yourself first all the time - partiucularly at a time of year many people find hard and isolating.

Yes, I am aware what you posted.

I am suggesting you (or anyone else who is lonely) actively go out looking for people who might also be lonely at this time of year and host them at Christmas. This seems a far better and more proactive strategy than waiting passively for others to offer you invitations and then getting annoyed about it when they dont arrive dont you think?

and sorry - but - draining and miserable?? to have your mums friend there during lunch? This is honestly the end point of a narcissistic culture

If my mum had said her friend was joining us it would not have crossed my mind that it would be draining ! Its lunch - they can literally spend the rest of the day doing what they like.

My mum made Christmas about virtue signalling by inviting her very unpleasant brother (whose own children, each from a different relatively short marriage, didn't want to spend Christmas with him), and somewhat forcing visits on elderly neighbours who didn't particularly seem to actually want to be visited...

This rather puts me on your children's side tbh. We have to host a widowed male relative whom my adult daughter would rather we didn't host and if it were only my decision I'd stop hosting him for her sake, but he's DH's relative and he feels obliged, so we compromise by having Christmas dinner at lunchtime and not having alcohol at lunch - then he leaves mid afternoon.

Does Sheila actually want to come to you? Not everyone wants to have Christmas with another family if they don't have their kids - I don't think I would in that situation, for me it would be worse to be the guest of a family who were all together than to spend the day with single friends or alone. If her children normally live with her she might actually enjoy the alone time even though she will miss her kids...

I'm on the fence but I would definitely have a lot of empathy for your kids and also not assume Sheila even wants to spend Christmas with you!

You and Sheila should go out for coffee/ drinks/ whatever you enjoy doing together over the holidays though - that looks less like a pity party for Sheila and in her place that's what I'd much prefer!

I would be really disappointed if DD acted like that, that’s not what Christmas is about at all. One of her friends is a care leaver and once she found out he was home alone in his HMO she invited him for this year’s Christmas.

I’d much rather make some adjustments and make sure a friend isn’t alone on Christmas.

Restaurant meal on Boxing Day is ideal. Neutral territory. Your children can eat with her and you then go to the bar/ move nearer the band to leave you and your friend to chat. We don't know her but is she likely to be sad/ maudlin/ talk about herself and her problems the whole time? Do you have form for saving waifs and strays? My SIL used to gather up the lost/ lonely/ recently bereaved and bring them to family events. It was always awkward and completely inappropriate. She finally stopped after one of them got very drunk and sobbed and wailed at the table during the meal and everyone refused to come the following year.

There’s no way I would see a friend alone at Christmas. I wouldn’t be asking them I would be telling them this is what we are doing.

Yep, exactly this.

We've had lots of more the merrier Christmases. Last year DSD asked if it could just be family and boyfriends/girlfriends. That seemed reasonable to me, she lives away now, and doesn't have much time at home and wants to see her family. We made plans to see friends not on Christmas Day and outside of the house.

invite Sheila for the Boxing day jaunt @Blizzardofleaves

Having a stranger, (to your children) at Christmas, completely changes the dynamic.

Does Sheila have no family?

Your kids sound selfish. There may come a time when they are all alone on Christmas Day and the same could happen to them. Your friend probably won't be there all day and they can slob out when she's gone home.

Oh and when I was a kid we used to have randoms over on Christmas Day who were on there own - friends of my parents who I didn't know - and it made it more fun.

I grew up abroad, and my father was in an industry where he regularly worked with young single expats. Most of them had no family on the same continent. It was just the done thing for the older, married guys to divvy out the single blokes so that everyone had somewhere to go at Christmas.

It means that opening your doors to others who have nowhere else to go, and sharing food and company, is an intrinsic part of the Christmas spirit in our family. As a child or a young adult it would have been unthinkable for me to object to any of them coming for any reason, never mind simply because I was tired (I would have usually arrived from boarding school or uni the week before after 16-18 hours flying followed by a 500km ground journey).

You know your family dynamics best OP, but my children would be told to suck it up and hope they never have to spend Christmas alone because someone willing to host them was overruled by a self-centred adult child.

@Solenoid i agree this does seem like virtue signalling

there is nothing to suggest Sheila wants this or indeed it is a good idea for Sheila to come in and feel awkward among others family dynamics making her miss her own. It doesn’t actually seem to be right for her either

there is a classic thing in Friends where they challenge Phoebe to do a selfless act becuase they don’t exist. And this is definitely not a selfless act this is the OP wanting to make herself feel like she is doing a good thing

I'd find it a bit awkward and uncomfortable having someone I didn't know there on Christmas Day. I wouldn't be able to relax at all.

So I can see your DCs' point about Christmas Day but I don't think they should be able to veto her coming over on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

I should probably add that if I were in Sheila's shoes, I'd much rather spend Christmas Day on my own than be the random extra at someone else's close family Christmas, so I may not be the best judge on this!

I wouldn’t like to be having Christmas with a complete random.

After last year’s issues your uni children are asking for a nice relaxed chilled with mum and dad Christmas. Honestly I’d give them it. There will hit a point they won’t even want to come for Christmas.

They won’t be at uni forever and after one mangled Christmas I wouldn’t be adding another the very next year. Your friend may well get upset or angry at her situation after a few drinks missing her own children.

I’d rather be alone or with a group of singles on Christmas Day if I was going to be alone, I wouldn’t to be a spare part to someone else’s family unless we all knew each other for years, Like an adopted aunty to the children.

Tricky. Could you treat her to Boxing day lunch out as your present to her? Could the dcs feel that she wasn't invading their family in a public setting?

Failing that, could you escape and fit in a visit to her and perhaps enjoy a walk/mince pie n glass of wine together over the Christmas period?