Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

[Blizzardofleaves]

I am not sure what to make of this tbh. I have a friend ‘Shelia’ and she has recently separated from her dh, and he is taking her dc to his home country for Christmas. Shelia now finds herself at home alone for the whole of Christmas. She doesn’t have any living family.

My dc are away at uni and only arrive home two days before. They have exams in December, and are often very tired. They don’t know Sheila as she is a friend I have known for only 5/6 years and we tend to meet elsewhere, doing activities and dinner etc.

Last Christmas was a disaster, as my in laws got horribly drunk and the lunch was appalling - inedible. We all had Covid by Boxing Day. I had promised my dc a family Christmas this year at home.

I floated the idea of having Shelia come to lunch on Christmas Day and both have said no way. They don’t know her, and they want a lovely fuss free Christmas just the four of us.

I feel sorry for Shelia but understand it’s not my issue to solve, but I am a more the merrier type of person and love having people over.

They have put a line through Xmas Eve and Boxing Day as well, and it feels quite controlling now. But maybe I am being unreasonable, and not very considerate of dc and how tired they are likely to be. We are hosting family parties the weekend before (one dc can make it for those, the other can not)

Please share your thoughts.

How about you pop out to see Shelia on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, either for coffee, mince pies or a walk. I’m sure the kids will be happy to sleep in and won’t miss you.

Presumably they are at home a number of days after that too? If so I really think in these circumstances, as a one off you could have your friend over for lunch/ afternoon tea on Christmas Eve surely? Or go out with you on Boxing Day even. Your DC may be tired but you’re not asking them to do anything other than a bit of light conversation. I dare say they’re planning on meeting friends themselves too, you don’t expect them to be with you every minute presumably.

Before you know it they’ll be doing their own thing, maybe in their own homes. You’d not expect them to run guest invites by you then ? I understand it’s slightly different , as they are still living at home. But asking them to extend a little kindness, when it’s something you want to do isn’t a big ask is it? It’s one of the things we learn to do as adults. If you want to do this you should. You’ll almost certainly regret it if you don’t

OP, if your DC have put a moratorium in Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, then why not go out with your friend before your DC get home, and have her round to yours on the 27th? I fail to believe you’re her only friend! It will change the dynamic, having another person, and your DC have in their heads (as most DC do) some mythical view of the “perfect” Christmas that they are hoping for. As they are coming home from university and will not, I assume, be home for that long, then give them the three days over Christmas. As the friend, incidentally, I would absolutely not want to go to a house with DC when I was being separated from my own DC. You promised your DC a family Christmas, and I think you owe it to them to give it to them, especially as they don’t know this “Sheila”.

I personally feel that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and most of Boxing Day should be kept just for family, especially as last year was so miserable. Your kids are looking forward to coming home, to familiarity. I do think that Boxing Day evening could be a possibility though. In our family this is when extended family get together.

I had something similar but the opposite way round which thankfully resolved itself. I offer to host Christmas every year and my mother always insists she will host it, which is fine. A couple of years ago it looked like my friend was going to be on her own at Christmas. I asked if she could join us and my mother said no. Thankfully it resolved itself but I had been planning to just invite everyone over to mine and let them pick because honestly I think it's really poor form to leave someone on their own over Christmas and very much against the spirit of it.

In general some people have the kind of Christmas where it's easy to accommodate extra people and some people don't. In the case of adult kids home from Uni they want quiet family time and it's reasonable of them to ask for that. If they're only back for a short time do you really want them feeling uncomfortable for a significant portion of that?

Will Sheila want to be around your children for Christmas when she can't see hers? She might prefer to do something completely different rather than be the odd one out at your table.

There's bound to be a compromise where you can spend time with your friend over the Christmas period without making your children feel they've been deprioritised.

Save Christmas Day for family and invite your friend on Boxing Day.

You said you’d promised them a family Christmas so I’m not totally shocked they are surprised by you floating a stranger (to them) coming. So I think you’ve tied yourself it knots if you’d already committed to the day being a certain way if they’re coming home for it. More the merrier is great when everyone gets along, less so when it’s an absolute stranger to most of the family and you’re sort of on ceremony with in your home.

This is ridiculous.

It's your kids home. Yes, it belongs to you, but it's their home (or at least they should feel like this). It's so perfectly reasonable to not want strangers at home at all, but especially on Christmas.

Is your friend more important to you then your kids' feelings?

It's totally up to you since it's your house but I don't think your dc are being unreasonable. If I was them, I would feel the same. Presumably, it is still their home so I would give them their 3 days.
For people who fall into the 'more the merrier' category it may seem hard to understand. But a lot of people would just hate to have someone they don't know invited into their family christmas.
So much so, that I wouldn't attend if it was me. I'd find myself somewhere else to go.
Can you invite your friend in the run up to Xmas or one of the day between Xmas and New Year. Perhaps arrange a day out together and leave your DC at home in peace.

Boxing day was always a day for visiting in our family. It's your home I don't think they should get to ban you for having a friend over. She won't be like your drunk in-laws anyway.

This. Either of my parents would've come up with the line" don't like it , don't come" Simple as.

I really can't imagine any of my lot having come up with that sort of thing and they really would've be cut down pretty sharpish if they'd tried

Sounds like you can spend a lot of time with your friend when your DC are at uni. Surely you make the most of this time with them. You promised them all year a fuss free Christmas just the four of you, of course they’re going to feel put out having a total stranger shoehorned in.

Odd. On the other thread where OP doesn't want to go to her parents because the neighbour is going, she's being told she's selfish and doesn't understand the spirit of Christmas.

On this one everyone (most) are saying the DCs are absolutely right to say they want Christmas to be just family and not have Sheila there.

I'm confused.

My friend is going through a horrific divorce and when I found out her teens were at their Dads all boxing day I informed my family she was coming.

I ended up with a mate of SIL one year for Christmas dinner who spoke no English except please and thank you. A great time was had by all but I like hosting and the translating across the table and attempts at communication added to the experience, my attempts at animal impressions to describe the 3 meats on offer for instance,

I suppose we all have our personalities and if you are a bit precious about stuff, very quiet or a bit of mardy arse then that’s what you are. There are various reasons why people don’t want company.

How drunk were in laws? as long as not abusive I would probably be laughing to DH how they made twats of themselves. We still laugh about the worst soup in the world my MIL served on Boxing Day once.

I think a Boxing Day with Sheila would be what I would be doing.

A lot depends on how much space you have. Can you get out of each other's way once the eating is done? Your DC may also want to consider whether there may be a time in the future that they want to help a friend out at Christmas and include them in your day.

Does your friend even want to come? I would much rather be on my own than join another family’s Christmas lunch.

I would maybe feel ok about joining for drinks in the evening but I wouldn’t want to join in their lunch which is their family time, especially if family are coming back home from living away

I would feel very much in the way, wouldn’t feel comfortable and be worried that others would be uncomfortable about me being there too

If I was in your friends position I would be getting all of the M&S party range in, some nice PJs and have a day to myself

Christmas Day is fine, but not sure DC should be blocking Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. Are they not seeing friends over Christmas, do they not go out with mates on Christmas Eve?

I appreciate that they might want a more intimate Christmas, but I do think they're being unreasonable. As a compromise, could she come on Boxing Day?

How very small is the window when we get to do as we like at Xmas.
Being a child - we do what our parents tell us
Being a young adult in twenties - can do as we like
Then comes being indebted to either go to elderly parents or in-laws or host our own adult children.
Then children have their own children and don’t want to come home or go to their in-laws.

What a squeezed middle this is. I think it is really out of order for them to block Boxing Day and quite honestly I am sick of dependents (old and young) thinking they have the veto.

Do what you like.

I'd ask Sheila just for Boxing Day and treat her to the fun restaurant meal but just have family Christmas Day. The day wouldn't be much fun for her (or anyone) if the children were grumpy. I'm surprised, tbh, that so many have said 'your house, your rules' as it is their home* *and they want to chill in their pj's and not be on their best behaviour. Invite her to the party and all have fun.

yes you do hear “set boundaries” but on threads where the poor op has none, has been groomed to be a people pleaser and everyone is asking for her time and she can’t bear to let anyone down.

your kids are wary op after last year, they want predictably not dramas do they feel you just let the drunk people last year do what they wanted - if so maybe they are worried your friend will do similar and you won’t take action.

as others have said, you asked . It was a loaded question though.

Yes, I would. I remember Christmas with my parents as a young adult living away from home. It was a lovely, relaxing return to some home comforts from my mum, when I could stop struggling with being an independent adult for a few days. I absolutely adored it and I stayed for as long as I could over the Christmas period.

So I wouldn’t deny my DC that. Sorry, Shelia - I can invite you over at any other time you like but not then.

I voted YANBU for wanting to invite your friend but I also think your children are not being unreasonable by not wanting a stranger there on Christmas Day either (not sure about the other two days!).

I think a lot of it depends on what kind of person Sheila is and if your children would get on with her/find her good company. Ideally I would suggest a meet up before Christmas to see what they think of her, but that would be hard if they are away at uni.

We always go to a local pub for tea/coffee (!) mid-morning on Christmas Day with family and my Mum's friend and then the friend goes back home on her own or to another friend's for lunch, so don't know if you could do something like that with your kids on one of the days? And if the kids get on with her leave it up to them if they want to invite her back to yours after? But make it clear to Sheila beforehand that it would just be a drink in the pub for an hour or two as you'd already promised your children a small family Christmas due to last year's disaster, then she won't be expecting anymore, so no harm done if your kids don't invite her back (make sure there's no pressure on your kids to invite her).

I think it's fair enough they don't want someone they don't know sharing Christmas day with them.

But they ought to be able to compromise on you inviting your friend over on Boxing day, in my opinion. If they can't, I would meet her somewhere else on Boxing day for drinks and a snack or something.