AIBU to not want to go to my parents’ for Christmas now they’ve invited a neighbour?

[HotChocAndChaos]

My mum and dad moved into their house less than a year ago, and they’ve become very friendly very quickly with one of their neighbours. A few of us find her a bit weird, she’s very intense, pops round a lot, and tends to insert herself into situations unexpectedly. She can come across as boundary-less, dominates conversations, and generally gives off a bit of a strange vibe.

We were planning to spend Christmas Day at my parents’ with my partner, our child, and my grandad, but they’ve now told us the neighbour will be joining. The reality is we don’t feel comfortable spending the day with someone we barely know, especially around our young child. It would be different if she were a long-standing friend, but they’ve only known her a short time.

I'm aware it's their house and they can invite who they like I just think consulting us beforehand would've been nice. Anyway, I wouldn't ask them to uninvite her but I think we are going to say we are not going anymore.

AIBU to feel like we don’t want to go now, or is that unreasonable?

The analogy is absolutely bang on I’m afraid. Maybe you were a mean girl at school and think this sort of behaviour is perfectly normal. Who knows?

What do you find special about Christmas? Because you seem to have totally misunderstood what the whole point of Christmas and Christianity is. I’ll give you a clue. It’s not about buying stuff and pics of matching pjs on instagram.

Far from it. I don't even like parties nor throw them so you couldn't be further from the truth. It's not mean to prefer some people's company over others. It's childish to relate everything back to school and accuse people of being mean.

This is surely the point of Christmas. I’ve had many Christmas’ with dad mate who would be on his own, or my brothers uni friend who had no family here etc.

it’s just basic kindness to not leave someone in their own at Christmas.

I don’t think the birthday party analogy really works here.

A birthday party isn’t comparable to spending Christmas Day together. Yes, in both situations an extra person can influence the dynamic, but the level of impact is very different. At a birthday party, the guest list is ultimately up to the birthday person and the event is centred around them, so whether the atmosphere feels slightly off affects them far more than it does any individual guest.

Christmas Day, on the other hand, is something everyone shares. Even if OP’s mum is hosting, she doesn’t own the day in the way someone owns their birthday party. Inviting someone who is likely to change the whole dynamic can have a much bigger effect on everyone attending, not just the host. Christmas carries emotional weight for most of us, so it’s understandable that people want it to feel comfortable and enjoyable.

Oh yes, I forgot, we must all #BeKind! Especially women. 🙄 Doesn't matter how uncomfortable someone makes you feel, you must warmly embrace them, and let them dominate your home, your Christmas, your life, and just about anything, because #BEKIND!!!!!!!!!!

In the real world, NO-ONE is responsible for someone else having company and entertainment on Christmas day (or any other day for that matter.) Anyone expecting ME to #BEKIND by doing something that I don't want to do will get a pretty sharp short shrift from me. I don't respond well to emotional blackmail, and manipulative behaviour, from ANYone!

If that makes me a 'mean girl' I will wear that badge with pride. 😎

@briq · Today 16:24

I don't really like it when people I consider almost strangers are invited to rare or special family gatherings, particularly Christmas. I understand the wish to include people who have nowhere else to go, but it does change the atmosphere, and when it's someone you already know you find difficult, it's even less appealing. Not everyone is a 'more the merrier' personality, and that doesn't make us bad or heartless people.

Exactly this. I know someone who went for a pre-graduation meal with her son and his girlfriend, (the night before the graduation day.) It was meant to be my friend, her husband, and the son and his girlfriend, but the son decided to invite his mate (who was also on the course and going to the graduation the next day,) and his parents and 2 brothers.

Completely changed the dynamic, and made my friend and her husband feel uncomfortable and awkward because they didn't know them. In fact, they knew no-one except their son! (They had only met his girlfriend twice! For about 10 minutes each time.) All the others in the group knew each other!

They didn't know they were coming, their son told them as they walked into the restaurant... 'oh by the way, him, her, and him, and him, and him, are coming to our meal too!' No way to back out as they were already there!!!

Shitty, manipulative thing to do, and rude and inconsiderate. 'The more the merrier' is utter nonsense in many instances. If it's a big party, yes, maybe. But not when you have organised something (say a meal out) with a small group of 2, 3, or 4 people, and one of those people invites other people not known to the people they have arranged the meal with!

I think its quite childish and sad to bail on Christmas with your own parents, just because you wont have them all to yourself and might have to speak to one of their friends. Obviously, do what you want, but I'd be massively unimpressed with anyone who said they were planning to do this.

I think YABU, although I'd expect I'm in the minority. I was raised that Christmas was a time for giving as well as receiving, and both as a child and as an adult there have been random friends and relatives on Christmas Day who would otherwise be alone.

But I think the modern dynamic is different, especially on MN.

And I would be 'massively unimpressed' if I was going to my parents house for Christmas day (after being invited) and some random pushy neighbour was there, completely changing the dynamic. The OP has said yes to the invitation on the priviso she sees her family/her parents, not some neighbour who has firmly inserted herself into their lives.

This.

I’d go - I’d want to size her up and judge her motives.

you can also ask your mum to specify a time for her to turn up eg come for 1, expect to be done for 5, then we have some family time

The neighbour isn't some random invitee. She's a friend of the parents.
OP is out of line.

This neighbour doesn't sound like a 'friend' of the OP's parents at all. She sounds more like a neighbour who has inserted herself into the OP's parents lives. I wouldn't go if I was the OP. Her parents can invite the random neighbour on Christmas day by all means, but they don't get to complain if their daughter (the OP) declines to go. The OP is not 'out of line' at all.....

Absolutely this. OP a little selflessness would go a long way.

It's not her home. It's her parents' home. I don't know why you'd be proud of being unkind, it's not hard, clever or funny.

Indeed. What sort of example does this set for her children too? If one if her children was overseas alone at Christmas, would she want people to invite her child to join their Christmas? I was in this situation years ago and a family invited me. It’s one of my fondest memories. Such a lovely time, lovely kind, generous people, and they experience of people doing Christmas totally differently.__

If the neighbour is a weird character, that is even more reason to go and make sure parents are ok, and having a good time.

OP says parents and neighbour have become very friendly very quickly. That's all from her pov. The parents obv don't feel that way.
OP is being quite childish to decide to punish her parents by not going over for Christmas.

I genuinely do not understand this ‘invite random people at Xmas’ thing. Why would anyone want to be invited along to another family’s Xmas out of charity? As a ‘random’? Why would this be better than spending the day alone at home eating some nice food with the cat & watching tv? Maybe going to church as well? Actually, you know, maybe having a quiet prayer & all that?

It just sounds humiliating & unpleasant to me - like being the vector for someone else’s performative charity. ‘Look at poor Doreen, we’re so lovely & nice to have her here today.’ Ugh.

I spend Xmas with older relatives & tbh it’s not always much fun, but I do it because I love them. This ‘invite people you barely know to show how lovely you are’ thing though just leaves me cold.

OP, your parents can of course invite who they want to spend Christmas Day with them. You can, refuse to attend if you don’t like the company they are bringing.

Personally, I’d not want to go if someone I’d met before and really didn’t like was going to be there. It will ruin your day and you will sit there seething and resenting the waste of the day if you go.

I’d tell your parents now that the dynamic will be changed so you’re not up for it. Maybe visit for part of the day or let your parents (minus weird neighbour) visit you for an hour or so.

Your parents can choose to be generous with this Christmas Day but they don’t get to decide that you have to be as well.

As I mentioned in a previous post I was invited to spend Christmas with my neighbours year ago. I’d just moved into a new village after a traumatic divorce. I accepted and spent the day with her and her lovely family.
We still spend Christmas together 12 years later but the group now includes my new husband, child and sometimes members of my husband’s family!
Saying yes to that invitation genuinely changed my life.
It wasn’t humiliating or unpleasant in the slightest. It was a lovely gesture.
We also spend other important days together such as Easter, mothers/Father’s Day and New Year’s Eve.

I don't think it's a case of needing to grow up. People seem to get more suspicious of others in adulthood.

I think OP might have just added the "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!" bit to get us onside, hoping we'd have our brains misted by motherly protectiveness and accept that as a good reason not to go for Christmas.

Besides, "grow up" is such a lazy insult on here. Considering the adult behaviour and attitudes on display all around us, growing up seems to be pretty ineffective these days.

@JeminaTheGiantBear - goodness, where to start?

Perhaps by saying that I have spent many Christmas days alone, entirely through choice, having declined invitations - and have enjoyed those days just as much as the many Christmas days I’ve spent surrounded by family or cozily with a partner. I’m always on threads here trying to explain that choosing to have Christmas alone is not in any way second best.

Nevertheless, millions of people might find themselves in situations where they’re alone through circumstance, not choice - poverty, family breakdown, abandonment by children, too poor or unwell to travel, nowhere suitable to host, pressure of work around the day, or simply not knowing anyone in an unfamiliar place - and being invited to share the day with other people genuinely can be a highlight in a hard time and create lasting good memories or new friendships.

I’m pretty certain no one in my family has ever invited an almost stranger, or an acquaintance, or the student child of a friend on another continent, for the purpose of performative charity. If you met my family (and no, not Eastern European for whoever asked!) you’d realise at once that we’re not like that.