AIBU to not want to go to my parents’ for Christmas now they’ve invited a neighbour?

[HotChocAndChaos]

My mum and dad moved into their house less than a year ago, and they’ve become very friendly very quickly with one of their neighbours. A few of us find her a bit weird, she’s very intense, pops round a lot, and tends to insert herself into situations unexpectedly. She can come across as boundary-less, dominates conversations, and generally gives off a bit of a strange vibe.

We were planning to spend Christmas Day at my parents’ with my partner, our child, and my grandad, but they’ve now told us the neighbour will be joining. The reality is we don’t feel comfortable spending the day with someone we barely know, especially around our young child. It would be different if she were a long-standing friend, but they’ve only known her a short time.

I'm aware it's their house and they can invite who they like I just think consulting us beforehand would've been nice. Anyway, I wouldn't ask them to uninvite her but I think we are going to say we are not going anymore.

AIBU to feel like we don’t want to go now, or is that unreasonable?

I would want to go to make sure this weird neighbour wasn’t somehow coercing my parents. My thinking would be …the more I get to know her and her motives, the better.

She would be the sole neighbour guest in a household full of family members who all knew each other very well. She wouldn’t be dominating the conversation or commanding your parents or influencing the day’s agenda or getting much wriggle room to give off her strange vibe surely, if you were all there together celebrating.

If you aren’t particularly worried about your parents’ relationship with her and if you live fairly locally, can’t you just pop in for a couple of hours instead of being there all day.

Yeah I would skip it myself! As others have said if you are local just pop around for the lunch for an hour or so but spend the day at your own house. I would be open and honest and just say that Christmas is a day when families can chill out, relax, play games and bond as a family - you don’t believe you can do this with someone you don’t know very well and dominates conversations and changes the atmosphere.

My mum has a friend who dominates conversations and shouts down people who don’t agree with her, even when you agree with her she has to give you the sermon as you reiterate “I know” and “I agree”. She has come for Christmas lunch but she comes at the start of the lunch and leaves afterwards, she doesn’t stay for games or movies or present opening so it’s okay. My mum is aware we find her hard work and to be honest we have all had massive rows with her before (including my mum) so she does tend to behave during the meal. We share the same politics (she is now a politician) but she still finds some uncommon ground to get on a rant about - her kids come for Xmas lunch too (friends with my siblings) and she tends to behave better in front of them. Difference is we have known her for about 30 years so she is now like an annoying relative we put up with - if I only just met her there is no way I would be sitting down for a meal with her.

OMFG. 😂 I was gonna say exactly this! 😆

@HotChocAndChaos Could you not just go for a couple of hours (or maybe three?) You can say to your mum 'I don't feel like spending all day at yours now sorry, not with the neighbour there.' She can choose to uninvite her (which she very likely won't do,) OR agree it's OK for you to stay 2-3 hours ...

I wouldn't care quite honestly, unless it was ME hosting at my house, and my parents said they were bringing their neighbour then. I'd be like, errr, 'no ta.'

I’d go, and be keeping an eye on my parents and checking they’re okay. Sounds like she’s managed to insert herself and I’d be wary as to whether it’s what your parents actually wanted …

I don’t think so, and I’m sure others agree

1. I wouldn’t want to see anyone spend Christmas alone, especially when there was a full house next door
2. The friend is annoying but otherwise harmless. They aren’t perverted or insulting, just lack social skills
3. The person is already invited, it would be mean to then retract the invite.
4. I wouldn’t want to ruin my parents Christmas by leaving them alone when they wanted to spend time with family

Yes, people might feel more sorry for her because she’s female, but it doesn’t really change much

I got a funny vibe just reading your post!

When I firts moved to where I am now I had a 'friendly neighbour' basically take over. I knew no-one and so she took me under her wing. It quickly became extremely suffocating and she inserted herself into everything I did. Including my wedding. When and where I went grocery shopping. Eventually morphing into dictating who I was allowed tot alk to, where i was allowed to go etc. It took me 2 years to extract myself from her clutches and the final straw was when she thought she might move in with DH and I as essentially now the three of us were married. It was fucking wierd.

Turned out she had form, Serious form. For glomming onto newbies and parasitising off their lives. Because being new they were a bit vulnerable and wanted to make friends. When people tried to remove themselves the shit royally hit the fan and at its worst we were considering stalking and harassment charges. Granted- that's an extreme, but your original post made the hairs on the back of my neck raise up. It's been 21 years since I peeled the talons of this woman off my arm and I am still having the repercussions.

I'd want to be there to try and assess what this woman's intent was tbh.

Yanbu. My mum is bipolar and schizophrenic and when I was a teenager would invite random homeless men for Christmas dinner. Very uncomfortable for me. She also invited a very creepy old man she met in the psych ward round to the house when my kids and me were still living there (and she was still sectioned, but allowed occasional weekends home). Spend Christmas however you're comfortable even if that means at your house.

This would raise a bit of a red flag with me too. Not everyone has strong boundaries and I would wonder to what extent neighbour is inserting herself into your parents lifestyle. I know from personal experience how easily a neighbour can come to dominate ones lifestyle in an unhealthy way.

In your position I would express my misgivings to my parents and how you feel it will alter the dynamic of the day to have a pushy outsider present. A compromise would be to just go around for a couple of hours rather than spending the entire day there. Are you local enough to do that?

@WateringCans

I’d go, and be keeping an eye on my parents and checking they’re okay. Sounds like she’s managed to insert herself and I’d be wary as to whether it’s what your parents actually wanted …

Good point!

I agree with @GetOverTheEgo in that I allowed a neighbour (fortunately not an NDN) to creep into my life and take over it. I felt sorry for her and helped her fill in a DLA form. This was years ago when that benefit was still available for adults with disabilities. She had a grown up son living with her but somehow he was not able/willing to help. Before I knew it she was coming around for tea twice a week and overstaying when I was supposed to be WAH. I was making all kinds of arrangements on her behalf, doing her shopping etc and at a time when my own health was declining.

I managed to break the relationship by going away for two weeks during which she had to shift for herself. I told her "sorry the university requires me to work in the office 5 days a week" so no more working at home. Fortunately she never came out after dark and she went to a church club at weekends, So I was able to gradually withdraw from the relationship. When it was time to review her DLA application my nephew told her very tersely I was not able to help. She never contacted me again.

Look into an Airbnb nearby and then at least you have somewhere else to retreat to @HotChocAndChaos

Anyone who thinks excluding people because they are "weird" stops after high school will be disappointed by this thread. Mean girl vibes all over.

You don't "feel uncomfortable," and it's nothing to do with your young child, who won't care either way. You just don't like her and would rather she's left on her own all day at Christmas than just suck it up for a couple of hours and be nice. Pressuring your parents to uninvite her (which you know very well they will feel if you refuse to come because of her) is even worse.

People are allowed to not like other people. I'm sure there are people you dislike and don't want to spend Christmas Day with. That's not mean, and it happens the world over, especially beyond school where people can choose who to hang out with.

What is Christmas about, really, OP?

Good for your parents for understanding. Pity you don't.

So she doesn't have to be this woman's best friend, but she's going to Christmas hosted by her parents who are doing something kind for a neighbour, who, from OP's post, hasn't done anything wrong. She's just "strange", as a "few of them" have discussed.

Imagine the same situation with teens- Child A is having a birthday party and has invited the "weird girl" who the other girls don't like. So the other girls say they aren't coming if the weird girl is going to be there. Child A now has to miss out on her other friends coming or uninvite weird girl. You don't think this is blatant bullying and mean girl behaviour?

There are people I dislike but no-one who I would want to be alone on Christmas despite having done nothing wrong- just because they are "weird".

Nope, I don’t think the analogy tracks. You’ve made it into a mean girl situation to suit your stance but it’s a different situation and everything can’t be compared to school days. We grow up and can exercise our choice in who we spend our Christmas Day with. If they’re family, we might have to put up with weird people we don’t like. If not, we generally don’t. You don’t mind who you spend it with, fine. That doesn’t make other people mean for not being the same.

It's the exact same situation. It's her parents party, they have been inclusive, she's not happy about it and is making it clear that she wants this woman shut out
. They didn't need to ask permission to invite someone who hasn't done anything wrong.

It's the exact same situation. It's her parents party, they have been inclusive, she's not happy about it and is making it clear that she wants this woman shut out. They didn't need to ask permission to invite someone who hasn't done anything wrong.

Scrooge? Though your word works too!

"Keep it nice" is funny.

OP can do whatever she wants but she's not going to be able to spin "I dislike your awful friend so much that I would rather not see you at all at Xmas than spend a few hours in her company" into something nice.

You're a proper little Christmas miracle, you, aren't you?

"Of course, I wouldn't ask my parents to uninvite this neighbour who would otherwise be alone on Christmas Day. No, no - heaven forfend. I'm just going to bugger up the family Christmas completely by the very simple strategy of refusing to go. That seems reasonable to me. Oh, and I'm not going to tell my mum and dad why. They'll just have to wonder."

There's plenty of middle ground between spinning it and saying your dislike line. I'd just say we'd decided to do our own thing this year and make other plans to celebrate on another date. It's as big a deal/drama as you choose to make it.

YANBU. Your parents could have explained to you who would be there at Christmas and asked what you thought. It’s a special day and important that everyone in the family feels comfortable. This adult woman is responsible for herself and probably has lots of options rather than having to go to your parents OP eg group holiday, invite people herself, go to other friends, it won’t just be down to your parents.

Can you just say to your parents that you won’t now be coming but arrange another time for a special family day over the Christmas period? As Mel Robbins says “let them and let you” keeps it so much simpler.

I don't really like it when people I consider almost strangers are invited to rare or special family gatherings, particularly Christmas. I understand the wish to include people who have nowhere else to go, but it does change the atmosphere, and when it's someone you already know you find difficult, it's even less appealing. Not everyone is a 'more the merrier' personality, and that doesn't make us bad or heartless people.

However, it does seem like a leap to worry about having this woman around children. Don't leave her alone with your child, by all means, but unless I couldn't stand their new friend, I wouldn't let her presence stop me from seeing my family. I would find a way to telling my parents, politely, that I didn't really like this friend. If they insisted on inviting her over too often for family meals, I might not visit as often. Yes, it's their home and they choose who's invited, but I'd hope they'd care enough about how I felt to take that into consideration.

This