AIBU to not want to go to my parents’ for Christmas now they’ve invited a neighbour?

[HotChocAndChaos]

My mum and dad moved into their house less than a year ago, and they’ve become very friendly very quickly with one of their neighbours. A few of us find her a bit weird, she’s very intense, pops round a lot, and tends to insert herself into situations unexpectedly. She can come across as boundary-less, dominates conversations, and generally gives off a bit of a strange vibe.

We were planning to spend Christmas Day at my parents’ with my partner, our child, and my grandad, but they’ve now told us the neighbour will be joining. The reality is we don’t feel comfortable spending the day with someone we barely know, especially around our young child. It would be different if she were a long-standing friend, but they’ve only known her a short time.

I'm aware it's their house and they can invite who they like I just think consulting us beforehand would've been nice. Anyway, I wouldn't ask them to uninvite her but I think we are going to say we are not going anymore.

AIBU to feel like we don’t want to go now, or is that unreasonable?

It was a big part of the day tbh. Out for the meal at 12.00 which often involved taking the children away from their presents. Back at 5pm type thing.

Each to their own but christmas for me is about sitting with my children, chatting to them, joining in playing with their toys etc. The dinner table is a big part of that where we sit and chat, the children included.

I dont want to dilute that with someone else, nice as they may be. Its not a case of not liking them, its a case of not wanting to sit making small talk with someone whilst my children sit at the opposite side of the room.

This is a beautiful answer.

I'm quite shy and would find a fellow guest that I don't know quite difficult to navigate, but that's my issue and no one else's. Absolutely wild that some people think it reasonable to demand your mum uninvite the neighbour! If you don't want to go then don't, but I'd suggest you consider that you're essentially telling your parents that not being around the neighbour is more important to you than being around them.

Also, what on earth does having a young child have to do with it?! What a strange thing to say

Lots to go at there. For someone so christmas spirited you come across as the angry one to me.

Where did i say i was angry?
No i didnt bring any of my siblings. They are busy with their own families and children.

What on earth has adopting children got to do with my scenario i dont know.

You need therapy, calm down. I just like to spend christmas day with my own close family.

Well I do think you are being a bit ridiculous and mean spirited. Sure it’s up to you what you want to do but what’s with the ‘especially around our young child’? What do you think is going to happen?
My parents were ex pats and there were always two or three ‘strays’ invited for Christmas. And they may have been very new acquaintances too. They famously went to an art show and met a potter who in the course of conversation said he had no accommodation sorted - of course my parents invited him to stay with us! And what a delightful man he turned out to be.
You may not like this person but your parents do. Christmas is about spreading joy and goodwill. You’d rather not have your child see their grandparents just because they’ve invited a friend? Just go for a few hours - it’s not a marathon.

Well, the NDN may be socially awkward and feel the need to be 'all out there' to make an impression on new people (even if she doesn't realise it's not a good one she's creating). She might be calmer if she has more time to chat with OP. In any case, I think it's rather immature (and unkind) of OP to cancel plans with her DPs at the last minute because of the NDN attending who OP admits she "barely knows". I think she should be prepared to still go this year, if only for a long lunch, to confirm her feelings about the NDN or, possibly, to discover she's actually OK once you get to know her better (OP's parents have obviously found qualities in this woman that they like).

@TaupeRaven "Absolutely wild that some people think it reasonable to demand your mum uninvite the neighbour!" I totally agree - even OP isn't suggesting her DM uninvite the neighbour.

@TomatoSandwiches This made me laugh 😂

In all seriousness though, @HotChocAndChaos , I can understand your reservations as if you’re close to your parents, the thought of spending time just with them as a family at Christmas is lovely. I would still go, however, because I’d still want to be with them. I would recognise that while this neighbour would change the dynamic, they’re probably doing a good thing inviting her. If she’s got some sort of ulterior motive, which seems unlikely, it’s probably good to witness this so that you have an idea of what’s going on.

I don't think you're unreasonable. The in laws had form for doing this whenever we went over (not just christmas) and have some very odd neighbours and friends. At Xmas she'd usually tell us beforehand, the other times they'd just be there! I'd just have liked some warning.

But that is effectively what she is doing. Is she not saying ‘Uninvite her or I won’t come’?

Taking an unknown homeless person into a house with children (or anyone) is stupid and potentially dangerous.

They may not appreciate clothes.

I mean, what, we’re all supposed to go out scouting for homeless folks to provide ill-fitting clothes for?

This situation is about a friend of the woman who’s hosting Christmas, who’s already been invited. Annoying as she is, it’s a bit crap to leave your own parents out to dry because they wanted to be kind to someone.

My mum and dad invited a friend every year for Christmas dinner when we were young. She wasn't a very nice person, smoked constantly (it was the 60s) and talked all the time. It wouldn't have occurred to me to ask them not to invite her. I think you are being unkind

I can see that going out for a meal is different to being at a family members house or hosting at home where it's a bit more informal.

I'm also 'a more the merrier' kind of person.

"You need therapy" 😂Dickens' would be so inspired by you

its one day so why make a difficult situation. Think of your parents. Why put them into a difficult situation. The neighbour is on her own and it is natural that she would be asked to join them. The neighbour sounds really lonely from your description. Loosen up and accept the situation. You may well enjoy it.

But that isn't what she said in her OP: "I'm aware it's their house and they can invite who they like I just think consulting us beforehand would've been nice. Anyway, I wouldn't ask them to uninvite her but I think we are going to say we are not going anymore." Presumably, if OP does now decline the invitation she isn't planning on telling her DPs why.

I'd feel the same as you. I think most people would - including the neighbours she invited, so hold on - they'll probably decline the invitation, and you're golden. Just ask her to let you know when she finds out if the neighbours are/not going, and take your response from there.

I call BS as well on this person being a stranger to your child.... a person you 'barely know' yet you mention this neighbour is always there when visiting your parents. Therefore are you saying child has never been with you on all these occasions you've been to your parents! It doesn't add up. Also you've gleaned a lot of information about this person's character so you must have had quite a lot of contact with them.

Would they? I was once invited by my neighbour and I accepted. I was delighted ( very touched) that they'd thought to ask.

I know lots of people who are happy to invite someone who otherwise would spend Christmas alone.

It's not stranger danger, it's stranger being annoying on a day that's meant to be nice, and OP doesn't need to suck it up. OP YANBU, let your folks know, keep it nice, no big deal but you can't relax around neighbour so are gonna do your own thing. They made their choice, you get to make yours.

It seems a bit mean spirited of you, what do you think she will do to your child?

This site is awash with threads about tension between parents and other people with different ideas of how to deal with kids or people behaving in a multitude of irritating ways around children. I don't think OP is saying the neighbour is some kinda perv or threat, just that they wanna be able to relax and enjoy Christmas with their kid without this person who they already know puts them on edge being there to say or do whatever they find annoying. Which is fair enough imo.

There's a difference between inviting a homeless person and inviting a neighbour that you get on well with.

Of course OP doesn't have to go. But maybe her parents don't want someone that they like to be spending the day alone.

This. I hate it when people invite randomers to pre planned events and they change from easy interactions to having to concentrate to make conversation.

Different if it’s something like a wedding reception or 50th birthday where you go along expecting to make chit chat with folk you don’t know.

We don’t live in a soap opera where everyone invites all and sundry on Christmas Day lol

I think the responses are really unfair on the op. If it was a weird male neighbour who dominates, rather than female - it would be a whole load of different advice given!