Not going halves with friend on lunch

[Rachaelf37]

So I went for lunch with one of my close friends a few weeks ago. She chose a slightly more expensive main and after had a small pudding whilst I just had a hot drink. When it was time to leave she said shall we split the bill. I said shall we just pay for our own as I didn't have a pudding.
I got a slight discount with a card I had (gave us both a discount). I then worked out my share rounded it up slightly and paid mine. She paid hers but was complaining why can't we split it.
I already had explained I was pretty broke that month for various reasons.

She is now not talking to me, weeks later. Was I being unreasonable?

How much £ are we talking? I usually split the bill even if I’ve had less, assuming it’s not a huge difference. But if you’re really struggling I can see why every pound counts. She is BU to not be talking to you weeks later though!

If you had already said you couldn’t afford it then she’s being a shitty friend for not understanding. Is she definitely not talking to you because of this? What an excessive reaction if so!

Of course it is not unreasonable to pay individually!

I am surprised you would ask.

Your friend isn’t. Spend your time with people who like you and who are not looking for a “free lunch”.

She sounds like a child not speaking to you.

She's being a brat, fancy not talking to you because you wanted to only foot your own bill. I'm all for going Dutch and letting a few quid here and there slide as long as there's equal balance in who is "overpaying", but I'd never expect a friend (or anyone really) to put themselves out financially for my gain.

It seems an extreme reaction, are you sure there isn’t more to it? Generally I couldn’t be bothered to not split a bill over a couple of pounds but would equally understand if a friend was really skint and needed to just lay their own.

Assuming you generally pay your own way rather than split the bill, shes no reason to be cross.

If the typical pattern is you split it and don't worry about the times when your share would cost more, then changing that pattern the one time she spends a small amount extra is a bit grabby.

Yes this is a fair point I’d not considered.

It’s fair enough, although depends whether you both usually have more of an “it all comes out in the wash” approach and there have been times you’ve ordered the more expensive items and still gone halves.

I’d just leave it. She’ll forget it soon enough, and if you go out again just be upfront that you’re watching costs and want to only pay for what you have.

YABU. If you’re that skint don’t go out for lunch. It’s just penny pinching to argue over a few £ just because you didn’t order the exact same meals that cost the exact same amount. The fact you won’t pay an extra few quid shows how much you value her as a friend anyway. I’d understand if she ordered a steak and a bottle of wine and you just had a bowl of chips but it doesn’t sound like that from what you’ve said

Previously have you been ordering lobster and she's had a cheese sandwich?

Got to be more to this.

I couldnt be arsed to not split over a couple of quid but if you don't want to that's your right and to stoo talking to you over it is ridiculous. Has she acted like this before.

I’d imagine the difference between a dessert and a coffee these days is about £3 - I feel embarrassed for you if that’s what you are quibbling over. Only time I don’t split is if one of us isn’t drinking alcohol but for food it’s swings and roundabouts and none of my friends takes the piss by ordering super expensive things.

Unless you usually order more expensive things than her when splitting YANBU

also she benefitted from your discount

With my friends sometimes we split, sometimes we don't. If someone said, I am a bit skint this month so I want to just pay individually then that would be fine. Would never dream of not talking to a friend over it. How bizarre.

I would normally pay my share if I had had a course that someone else hadn't had. It wouldn't occur to me to ask someone else to subsidise my meal for me. I have sometimes said "there's only a couple of quid in it, let's split it" but only where it's me contributing the extra money and working out my share is a faff. But I have some friends who really can't afford to do that and I certainly wouldn't fall out with anyone who didn't want to do that.

Absolutely drives me nuts when people do this. No, if you’re going to order an extra course or an expensive dish then of course you shouldn’t expect to split the bill equally! Stand your ground, OP.

🙄

Seems a bit ridiculous to be upset about it weeks later unless there’s more to it.

If you usually split the bill and generally your proportion is higher, and this time you pay your own when your share is lower that would be annoying. This seems the most likely. Do you feel it’s been balanced in the past or not?

She might be feeling skint too and didn’t want to say.

dep on how much we are talking about, both had a main herd slightly more, she had a dessert, you had a drink. Do you normally split? If so she may have subsidised you before, changing now seems wrong. If money is tight, why are you eating out at all

As I mentioned her main meal was a bit more and her drink and the pudding.
Also if anything she tends to always order more than me as she usually has a pudding and I don't.
I was already in my overdraft that month due to a number of factors. Do maybe I shouldn't have gone out for lunch but I was trying to keep the cost of the lunch down and still have a social life.

I said unreasonable as in that situation I’d just pay or at explain it to my friend who would totally understand! She drinks. I do not.

Unreasonable of her to then not talk to you!!!

@Rachaelf37 No, of course YANBU. You'd already explained money was tight so why would she think you'd be happy to subsidise her meal? Why should you? (And you'd already got a discount for both of you with a card you had!) I'd love to hear her justification for ignoring you for weeks. I'm afraid you don't need friends like that.

So what kind of difference are we talking? How much more was her meal than yours - £2 or £10 or more? Because if you split the difference of even £10 you would be paying £5 more. I couldn't get worked up over that with a friend because it all tends to even out in the long run. However, if this is a constant pattern of behaviour with her I would stop meeting for meals and just do coffee.

Why on earth should you have to pay for her food when you just had a drink? Madness. Not talking to you is ridiculous. I don’t think this woman is a friend. I split the bill with friends when we’ve roughly had the same. If someone didn’t drink, someone will always say you’re not paying for the wine as you didn’t have any. If someone says I’m watching the pennies at the mo, I’ll just pay for what I had, all good, no issue. Why would it be? She was not being reasonable on the day and is not being reasonable not talking to you now. I’d reflect on what she brings to your friendship as from what you’ve written it’s all about her and her expectation is you just fall in line. There are nicer people out there.