Not going halves with friend on lunch

[Rachaelf37]

So I went for lunch with one of my close friends a few weeks ago. She chose a slightly more expensive main and after had a small pudding whilst I just had a hot drink. When it was time to leave she said shall we split the bill. I said shall we just pay for our own as I didn't have a pudding.
I got a slight discount with a card I had (gave us both a discount). I then worked out my share rounded it up slightly and paid mine. She paid hers but was complaining why can't we split it.
I already had explained I was pretty broke that month for various reasons.

She is now not talking to me, weeks later. Was I being unreasonable?

There's not going to be much difference between a hot drink and a small pudding ? What was the difference?

I lunch with two different friends and we always just pay for our own.

When with my friends, paying individually is the unspoken rule, always adhered to. In this way offence can never be given or taken.

The friend ordered a more expensive mains and a pudding.

It's funny how people on MN threads invariably get the arse when they are not subsidised.

Urgh I cannot STAND people like this.

But now at least you know that she isnt actually a friend but someone who just wants what she can get out of you.

I bet if you spend a bit of time thinking about it ,you will remember a lot of other instances that didnt seem much at the time but always ended up with her getting the better side of the deal.

This is why now when I go out with certain people I always say "I am going to be paying for my own, I dont eat much (true) so I will stick on my own" and I refuse to be peer pressured into doing it any other way. I cant eat big meals, so I am not having a starter as a main but paying for your three courses!

There was a thread on here about a works event where Billy Big Bollocks from another department invited himself out to the OP's department meal. Ordered loads of expensive food and wine and made a total pig of himself. When the bill came OP insisted that everyone should pay for what they had as the juniors earned far less and hadnt had as much as some others so it wouldnt be fair to have them subsidise higher earners. No one had a problem except BBB who had a tantrum and said that he wouldnt have ordered so much if he knew he was going to have to pay for it all!! OP was declared a Mumsnet hero! Iirc he had a habit of wangling invites all around the company and pulling this stunt. I hope word got around and he wasnt able to do it again!

Ah, she's cross that your regular small subsidy of her more expensive choices has now stopped.

IMO folks who are adamant about bill splitting and get pissy if you don't are the most entitled orderers. They don't hold back. They are generally the ones ordering extra sides, or a beer, or a pudding, or all these. And they never seem to notice that other people may have ordered less to keep their own costs down, or that an extra fiver adds up over time. But they are remarkably intolerant when anyone diverts from this arrangement. Almost as if they feel they deserve to take advantage. Once it's pointed out that there's a discrepancy, most reasonable people want a fair split.

Ignore her. You're not missing out.

She asked if you wanted to split the bill and you said no. If she was going to have a tantrum about it, why did she even bother asking you!? It’s a massive over reaction if she isn’t talking to you, are you sure it’s just about this? Or have you been tight about something else and this is the final straw?

She is being unreasonable. She is basically snubbing you for you refusing to pay for some of her lunch. If a friend of mine was broke and needed to just pay for what they had i would totally respect and understand that, not throw a strop.

You must be the friend. There simply cannot be more than one of you out there.

You definitely weren’t BU.

How can she get in a sulk because on one occasion you declined to subsidise her lunch?

Bizarre.

When I go out, I generally don’t worry which way we’re doing it but I would never mind if someone said “let’s pay for our own”. I usually find it a bit of a relief to split it if I’ve spent a little bit more because I don’t like to freeload.

Hospitality manager here, trust me there are loads of the fuckers. If I had a pound for every time there was a row about it, I wouldnt need to go to work! Equally, refereed quite a few about people secretly paying the whole bill or insising on paying the full bill for everyone, so its not all bad!

How much are we talking? If it is about a fiver or so I think not splitting it is a bit… uncool? Long term friends and if you generally split then it’s hardly a problem.

It seems extreme to not be speaking to you. But at the same time being stingy is quite unattractive in any sort of relationship so I’d probably be a bit turned off in her shoes too if you made a deal of it.

I always just split the bill with friends unless one of us go for a very expensive course and is drinking wine +++ . Cannot be arsed with working it out down to a few quid 🤷‍♀️

You don't have to work it out, don't cafes and restaurants allow for individual billing?

Just to clarify we both had food and drinks but as I said her main was a bit more expensive than mine and to finish the meal she had a small pudding and hot drink and I just had a hot drink.

In past we've split/ paid our own. If anything she tends to order a pudding and I don't. Usually happy to split but as I said I was particularly broke that month.

It can be only because that she was fine with me before and during the meal until we went to pay and she usually replies to me and hasn't since then, which is upsetting me.

How much are we talking though? Did splitting add £2 to your bill or did it add £20? This is a key detail.

So you had a meal out, both had a main, then she had a pudding and you had a hot drink. There’s only a few quid difference there. I know some people who’d insist on paying for their exact share, and others who’d split the bill , and a few who d be saying “ my treat, you can pay next time”.
Id say it depends what’s normal in your meet ups, but everyone needs to be sensitive, and if a friend told me they were struggling I’d pay for them, not argue the toss. It all sounds a bit petty, and tbh if things are so tight that you can’t split the bill, maybe you need to reconsider lunches out.
However, her reaction is bizarre, she’s benefitted from your discount so she’s quids in anyway. I wonder why she’s so put out about it?

OP already said that her friend usually orders more, and thus is usually subbed when they split it.

If she's feeling skint too but, unlike OP, is still happily ordering more in the hope that OP will pay for it, that's massively cheeky.

She is upset because she was counting on you not noticing her stealthy approach to getting you to pay for stuff for her. Glad you didn’t split the bill. stand firm.

Why is OP being stingy in not wanting to sub the friend for a change; yet the friend isn't stingy - and even has the right to be annoyed - when OP doesn't want to sub her every time?!

Her friend shouldn't go out to lunch if she doesn't want to pay for her own meal, no one is entitled to have their meal partially paid for by their friends even if it's only a few extra squids. A few extra squids may be no big deal for some but for others 'penny pinching' is necessary especially in this economy.

Some people are misreading, we both had a hot drink.

I think it's incredibly rude of your "friend" to have tried to get you to split the bill when you'd said no. The argument that it's only a few quid works both ways - if it's only a few quid, and they were spent by your friend, then your friend can bloody well pay it! I say this as a complete pushover who has split the bill/paid for friends countless times when I really shouldn't have for an easy life.

The only thing I'd say you should think about is this: is it part of a wider pattern of behaviour on your part where penny pinching affects every meet up?

I had a "friend" years ago like this. Would charge you 50p for a short car ride, claimed to have forgotten her purse multiple times at coffe shop meet ups and mysteriously never remembered to pay you back, would agree to meals out then make a song and dance of having the cheapest starter as a main and just look stressed and annoyed the whole time as she was on edge about the bill, waiting to put the exact change on the table and make it clear she wouldn't pay a penny more.

In fairness, your OP did seem to imply that you had a hot drink instead of pudding, there was no mention of her having one as well as pudding, so thats probably where the confusion is arising.

I hope that was a joke about ordering a starter as a main?

How much more expensive was her main?

Pudding vs hot drink is about what? Three, four pounds more expensive? If that.