Not going halves with friend on lunch

[Rachaelf37]

So I went for lunch with one of my close friends a few weeks ago. She chose a slightly more expensive main and after had a small pudding whilst I just had a hot drink. When it was time to leave she said shall we split the bill. I said shall we just pay for our own as I didn't have a pudding.
I got a slight discount with a card I had (gave us both a discount). I then worked out my share rounded it up slightly and paid mine. She paid hers but was complaining why can't we split it.
I already had explained I was pretty broke that month for various reasons.

She is now not talking to me, weeks later. Was I being unreasonable?

I nearly always split the bill with the friends I eat out with, but if someone just wanted to pay their own, I wouldn’t have an issue. In this case i’d have just split as a hot drink probably was £3 or something less. But if you want to pay for your own, I can’t see why someone is annoyed, is she annoyed because she wanted you to absorb some of the cost of her more expensive meal? If so, she is the unreasonable one.

So basically she's sulking because you couln't afford to subsidise the cost of her meal. Don't bother trying to smooth things out, and definitely don't fall in to the trap oftrying to get the friendship back on track by apologising for upsetting her. You did nothing wrong.

Exactly. That's the most infuriating part about situations like this. The OP has limited what she has spent so she has still been able to go out. Yet the 'friend' and a few on this thread expect her to still pay part of the 'friend's' bill for a more lavish lunch that she didn't enjoy herself, which is ridiculous.

Sounds like the OP has more than paid her fair share in the past as the friend's bill has usually been more so it's gone beyond the time when she should have stood her ground on this. In fact, if the friend had actually been a nice friend, she should have offered to treat the OP this time, to make up for being subsidised so many times in the past.

When you arranged going to the cafe, did you warn her that you were skint that month? I think you should have told her about your situation that you could only pay for your drink with the discount card BEFORE you met her.

I wonder whether she felt like she had been mislead because she was relying on using your discount card to pay for her half? Or that you usually split the bill so she ordered items thinking that this was still the arrangement?

Still think that you have mostly done nothing wrong but you should have been clear with her about this before you met. Then there are no expectations.

You are not unreasonable at all . She is a CF. She ordered the pricier meal and the pudding and expected you to bank roll her, regardless of how much it is . You even got a discount for her on her meal and she still acts like you have wronged her . This says far more about her than you . Weeks long sulking is embarrassing.

She is no loss if she is giving you the silent treatment because you are refusing to supplement her puddings! She should be paying for herself, especially if she knows you are struggling this month.

This is not a friend op, it’s a CF and you are well shot of the greedy grabby cf. I would not stand for such shoddy behaviour, and would block her and spend time with friends that would truly care for you.

Wow. You're actually saying that people need to be 'warned' that they need to pay for all the things they choose when they eat out. Seriously?

Warned is probably not the right word! I think you have to be very clear with some people about payment of meals and drinks before ordering then there are no expectations and disappointment.

The friend somehow feels as though the OP has done wrong. I do not feel that the OP is at fault but there may not have been a tantrum if the payment situation was discussed beforehand.

Friend probably feels mislead. Not defending her, just trying to understand why she has had a childish tantrum about this!

I’m not a bill splitter, it makes no sense. You are either subsidising someone or screwing someone over. Your friend is a twat and if this non issue triggers her into not talking to you then she’s done you a favour.

The friend isn’t much of a friend to get upset about this. If a friend told me she was a bit skint this month I’d treat them.

I split the bill, but anyone who has spent more always offers to pay for theirs. Just because we tend to split it or no-one is prewarned isn't relevant IMO. The fact OP's friend is now in the huff shows that she has been well aware that she's been stacking the bill in her favour. Not sure what she has to complain about (she's paying for what she consumed) and I would be too embarrassed to act like that. If I were the OP, I wouldn't split the bill with this friend in the future, but sounds like there isn't going to be a next time - maybe/probably because she wasn't able to take advantage of OP

If you're talking a the difference of a tenner or something I think you're being a bit unreasonable for not splitting. But I'm Irish and find everyone counting what they had to the penny toe curlingly embarrassing.

How much more would it have been if you split it?

Why on earth would you “warn” people that you’d not be paying for their meal?

They also both got discount with OPs card.

For some a tenner is a lot. I budget. I rarely go out and do someone expecting me to pay an extra tenner would mean I’d have to buy less food that week to cook.

Nowadays there’s just no reason for people not to just pay for their own. It’s not like the old days where it was let all sorted by technology. I’m not paying for people to drink and eat way more than me.

I once went out for a meal with two friends, friend 1 and I drove and ordered a pasta dish at £12 so our bill was £15 each . Friend 2 ordered a steak at £21 plus 3 large glasses of wine her bill was £36. Whe the bill arrived friend 1 and 2 were like oh least it and I said no I’ll pay for my own. I got a lecture from friend 1 about how we pay for the event not the specific items.
Weirdly despite becoming significantly richer than me and friend 2 over the years she has got very tight with money. (I think her dh controls their money and doesn’t let her spend much) and now scrutinises every bill to the nearest pound.
YANBU. Do you normally split the bill and she’s annoyed she got lumped with a larger amount? Now you know she expects you to supplement her.

Using 'warn' wasn't the right word to use, I admit.

I do think that you have to be very, very clear about payment with some people before ordering unfortunately. This friend assumed that the previous ways of paying for food/drinks would happen for this meal. She wasn't told that for this meet it would be different.

The more clear people are about payment of meals/drinks before ordering, the less chance people have to make assumptions and expectations.

This friend wanted to continue to take advantage of splitting the bill. No splitting the bill in this instance and she is now ignoring OP in a huff!

It's always the cheeky fuckers that support splitting bills isn't it, expecting others to pay towards what they had!

To be stroppy weeks later is pathetic. If I was the one who had the dessert and higher value meal, I would offer to pay more anyway.

From your posts. She knew you were skint and is annoyed you didn't split(basically sub her meal). That's not a nice friend. When i go out I'm more of a pay for my own person.

I can't believe some are calling you tight, when you are in your overdraft. If I was your friend I'd probably sub you if I had the cash and knew you were struggling that month.

I do think that you have to be very, very clear about payment with some people before ordering unfortunately. This friend assumed that the previous ways of paying for food/drinks would happen for this meal. She wasn't told that for this meet it would be different.
The more clear people are about payment of meals/drinks before ordering, the less chance people have to make assumptions and expectations.
so people (CF basically) need it announced “By the way, you’ll need to pay for what you order and consume?!”
and some will go in a huff and be righteously offended if they don’t force others to pay for their meal?!

I’m a great believer in just splitting or taking turns with people when you go out regularly - as a pp said, it all comes out in the wash on that basis. But in order for that to happen, you do have to split or take turns consistently, which means sometimes you gain and sometimes you lose. So I can see a situation where I’d be annoyed if someone was happy to split when it was in their favour, but then insisted on paying separately on those times when it wasn’t. Could that be why she’s cross - did you split the bill last time and she ended up paying more?

Yes! Less confusion if it is discussed beforehand. I have learnt this the hard way.

Damn, I hit the wrong poll option (you used to be able to change your response, but it’s not working now?) anyway; YANBU!

What a crock of shit.