Not going halves with friend on lunch

[Rachaelf37]

So I went for lunch with one of my close friends a few weeks ago. She chose a slightly more expensive main and after had a small pudding whilst I just had a hot drink. When it was time to leave she said shall we split the bill. I said shall we just pay for our own as I didn't have a pudding.
I got a slight discount with a card I had (gave us both a discount). I then worked out my share rounded it up slightly and paid mine. She paid hers but was complaining why can't we split it.
I already had explained I was pretty broke that month for various reasons.

She is now not talking to me, weeks later. Was I being unreasonable?

Don’t get why she wouldn’t speak with you over something so petty. She’s making it a big issue, which suggests maybe other things at play? Maybe other stuff she has been annoyed about previously involving money, and this was the final straw for her?

I fully agree with this.

You can still see your friends.
If you're already overdrawn and seven quid makes such a difference then you learn to say no.
Invite a friend round and buy a packet of biscuits and make coffee.

Don’t be ridiculous. Op is entitled to go out and spend what she feels is reasonable on herself to still have a social life. She paid her way and is being called tight because she didn’t pay some of her friend’s way. Absolutely ridiculous. If she were going out whilst broke and expecting others to pay for or subsidise her then that would be out of order. This was to the people saying she shouldn’t have gone out if splitting the £7 of her friends extra expenses was too much.

We’re all different. That’s not how I see it - lunch with a friend for me is not transactional, it’s a social event. If I had a friend who was skint, we’d do something else together.

I guess these two friends see ‘lunch out’ differently and it looks like it has, temporarily at least, fractured the friendship.

She has chosen to lose a friendship over a few pounds, not you.
Drop the rope, step back.
Stop chasing her OP.

Decent friends wouldn’t even consider having extras knowing op was struggling, and then expecting to split! What kind of friend even does that.

For me, it’s not about the transactional quality - it’s the total absence of genuine concern for a friend’s financial predicament, and the disregard for her position.

If anything the onus in my circles would be to offer lunch, and pay for it if someone is struggling not the other way around.

Well obviously her friend is the transactional one . Your remark about the op saving was patronising .

For a special occasion, I absolutely agree with you - no-one should miss out because of a temporary financial shortfall. It would be covered.

For a casual lunch? No. Do something else that everyone can afford without getting a calculator out.

Yes, your mistake was deciding to go out for lunch when you were in overdraft. You could have met her at home and still had coffee and a catch up.

She is also UR for being so childish and petty.

If anything she's the tight one. You've done nothing wrong

I don't understand your friend's attitude. If I go for lunch with a friend I will split the bill for ease but throw in extra if I've had extra.
It's never accurate but no one would be down more than a pound.

Your friend wants to take advantage of you for whatever reason and you setting a boundary around it this time out of necessity has led to her not speaking to you.

If this situation hadn't occurred, there would have been others in the future and I would guess if you were to start joining the dots, there will have been in the past times when subconsciously you realised the 'safest' thing to do for your friendship was to acquiesce. Often we make these little micro decisions to keep friendships on track without even realising that's what we're doing. Eventually we have to say no and that's when the shtf and we're left blindsided by the response.

I’m guessing your meal only cost around £20 (main and coffee) and hers around £35 (bigger main, dessert, coffee, and almost double)so quite a big difference, so not unreasonable to pay your own. A bit different if the totals were £30 and £35, for example.

Yes, I agree.

You said you "rounded up slightly". Did you therefore contribute very little to the tip so she ended up paying most of the tip?

No, it wasn’t. It was needed for context.
We’ve all been skint at certain times. Why would I patronise someone in that position?

I just feel that going out for lunch when a difference of £7 in the bill is financially significant, was a bad choice to make.

Others disagree - fine. But it’s not patronising to establish that context.

The fact that you even noticed that her main was SLIGHTLY dearer says it all. A main is a main even if it cost a quid more than yours. If you are so broke AND overdrawn why on earth would you go out to eat. Whilst I don't agree with her falling out with you because you refused to pay £3.50 extra and totted yours up like Silas Marner, you do sound like you are a bit of a skinflint. Maybe she is tired of that.

Sorry, was the difference £7 each, or £7 in total?

No €7 in the difference.... so £3.50 each.

Oh, I misunderstood. I woujdn’t quibble over that difference. Still, friend having a huff over £3.50 is also unreasonable.

I hate it when people split this bill. If I chose to have tap water so save some money then why should I pay for other people’s drinks? I really don’t understand why we can’t just pay for what we had, given that they were our own personal decisions

This isn't a friendship. Friends don't shit all over each other. If you're 37 (just going on your handle name) then you need to learn that when people who you who they are, believe them, then leave them to it. There are other people out there who will make better friends than this woman.

The OP got the friend a discount!

She's got no grounds to complain

What's it got to do with you two what OP does or doesn't do with her money? Irrelevant to the post IMO - 'friend' should have paid her way without a making fuss. Frankly if a friend told me money was tight that month, I would have offered to buy her lunch too.

You are right . I don’t agree .

Only on mumsnet, a form full of wealthy people, would the responses include the poor staying at home and having no social life.

If you can only afford to pay for a cheap meal for yourself, don't bother going out with a friend. Unless you've got plenty spare and only then can you go out for a treat with a friend.