MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

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DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

She wants to parent for a second time, she wants to do things her way without you there. No loving, caring only in the interests of the child grandparent would insist on being alone.

You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Especially if you feel she will push for more.

"No" is a complete sentence.

hmmmm. I would try to dig deep here and think are you really saying no for the right reasons - I would give my right arm to have more involved grandparents!!

I absolutely understand that you are saying you don't need or want the break - and I would definitely not say yes to the whole day - could she have him for a few hours/ for teatime?

Don't give up the groups you enjoy - that's important time for you - but couldn't you think of a way it could be helpful in the long run?

I have an 11 and 13 year old and honestly think my entire parenting experience would have been different if I had been able to rely regularly on grandparent invovlement.

one day you might like her to collect him from school while you are at work for example - I would try and give a little of what she wants now, it will be good for your son surely in the long run if they have a great relationship?

I come from a place of having one set of grandparents for my two who couldn't give a shit, so I'm biased, but I'd not mind giving her the odd day with DS. She's clearly capable as she has her other grandchildren regularly. You know her though, so if you are uncomfortable then it's perfectly fine to say no.

Try and remember your own relationships with grandparents, I think it's a precious thing to have if it is in the interests of the child

I'm absolutely not suggesting you do something you aren't comfortable with - but could you use even a small break?

He is your son OP.

If you don't want to let her then it's your decision.

Fwiw I would feel the same as you.

Obviously it's your choice but I'd bite her hand off 😂I love spending time with my children too but I also love going for a run, having time to get my nails done etc etc. If you don't feel like you need her help I would also consider it a worthwhile thing to do to allow her to develop a good relationship with your DS, for everyone's sake (unless you don't think that would be positive for your DS).

If you don't feel comfortable, say no. If your MIL took 10 years to accept you into the family, you don't have any obligation to hand over your child to her just yet. One is still very young and this is for her benefit, not yours.

Is there anyone he's used to going to without you? It's useful to have that, especially if you have any more and need a babysitter.

Could you set a very clear boundary from the off? Or perhaps say he’s too young now but you will review the situation in a year? What does your husband say?

Saying no now may mean not getting help when you need or want it. A full day is a lot at 1 but her taking him out for 3 hours or so once a month let’s say will build up her relationship with him and mean that she would be better placed to watch him for a longer period, perhaps so you can go out together somewhere. Cutting her off from a relationship will mean she’s not an option in the future. I also don’t understand why taking a nap in the cot usually is a barrier, can’t he nap in the pushchair occasionally?

This is how I feel tbh - great she wants to spend time with him but why does it need to be without me and DH

I wouldn't agree to a whole day but perhaps a couple of hours one afternoon, up to tea time to see how he gets in.

Maybe while you get your hair cut or do a bit of Xmas shopping.

Because it’s hard to relax and have fun if you constantly feel you are being assessed by your DIL.

It’s important for children’s happiness that they develop good bonds with wider family members. I’d definitely be taking her up on this. I’m glad I did with my (now) teens when they were younger.

My parents have had their grandchildren one on one since about six months. Of course she can take him out! You’re being ridiculous.

I never had this issue as in laws abroad but she will be developing a bond with her other grandchildren. Will yours feel that they missed out on that with your MIL? I didn’t have grandparents and was always envious of friends who were close to theirs. If you aren’t completely averse to the idea could you build up to a day by allowing a few hours here and there?

My child has the most amazing relationship with his nana , he has spent regular time with her since being a baby , they have a very special bond. You can say no, but be careful not to burn bridges as if you constantly say no now, she might not be as willing to help when he is older and when you will be appreciative of a break or childcare help. I also think it benefits the child in the long run.

Can you find a compromise? Maybe every 2 weeks she has him a full day, but no sleepovers yet if you aren't comfortable with that.

TBF she seems him near enough once a week so it’s not like she hasn’t got a relationship with him and when we see her she’s fully involved.

Unfortunately he won’t sleep in the pram or the car which is a bit of a pain!

Probably because she still doesn't really like you, but after 10 years she's realised you aren't going anywhere.

Came to say this

I felt the same - didn’t need a break! Ended up letting FIL take him for half a day a week for a few months but DS didn’t like it, I just felt antsy/couldn’t get much done, and one time FIL brought DS back in the same nappy he went in and the resulting rash took literally months and multiple doc visits to sort 🙃🙃 so that was the end of that arrangement.

I’d say do what you want and what you feel is best for you and your child OP. What’s best for you is generally best for your child. As is the mother, so goes the house, or whatever the phrase is!

“it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. ”

OP, nothing selfish about liking going to toddler class with him! He’s your DS, and YOU set the boundaries. I wouldn’t have dreamt of letting my PFB spend a whole day a week with my MIL - and I don’t blame you at all for feeling uncomfortable about it. Just tell her, maybe when he’s older, but while he’s nursery age, it’s not happening.

I have looked after both my DGDs, one day a week, since they were a year old. Usually at my house (we have a travel cot for naps), sometimes at their home. I have several friends with similar arrangements, generally started when the mother returned to work, after maternity leave. So it seems normal to me but if you're not comfortable you don't have to agree.

I'd give her a morning or an afternoon. Not a whole day.

Do you not trust her to look after him properly and follow your instructions, or is it simply that you don't really like her because of her past treatment of you? If it's the former, fair enough. If it's the latter, I'd maybe rethink for your child's sake, because as he gets older he might wonder why his cousins get to spend time with Nana 1-1 but he doesn't.