MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

[Hideousfrump]

DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

fast forward 5 years :
'MIL treats my SIL's kids far better, takes them out, buys them more presents, and we are the poor relations'.

How is it temporary custody rights?

Does your mum have one on one time with your child?

@Hideousfrump - it’s your first child and you are being very PFB, which is fine. Many of us have been there.

FWIW - it’s not about ‘managing you out of the picture’. She is already babysitting other GKs regularly. MILs cant get it right generally - MN is full of posts about MIL doing so much for one set of GK’s but not the other.

You don’t need to leave her with your child on her own yet- totally your choice. But you also don’t need to demonise her and look for evil intentions. It’s not a bad thing for kids to have close relationship with other family members. It’s how we used to grow up - with grandparents and cousins around. Grandparents can be very helpful, and one day you may actually need that help.

How about babysitting in the evening - so you and H can have a date-night? Lets you have a bit of adult time which is important for any relationship, and she can feel helpful.

Surely this is a kind thing to do? They only benefit from that time I promise you! Also you want them to have a strong loving rship when they’re older.

My DS is a similar age - are you not back at work yet? I'd love this as an alternative to paid childcare - I'm quite jealous! Although completely get feeling strange about leaving him with someone else all day but better family than strangers.

"Surely it's perfectly normal for a grandmother to want to have their grandchildren alone?"

It's perfectly normal for them to want to spend time with their grandchildren. It's perfectly normal for them to be willing to have their grandchildren alone.

But why should they need the parents not to be there? Do they want to do something the parents wouldn't be happy with? Do they dislike the mother that much?

If it's "so mum can have a break" and mum doesn't want a long break, there's no need. Grandma can come and visit, maybe look after the baby while mum gets lunch ready / has a shower / goes out for a haircut, and maybe later on it will be useful for her to take them for longer.

I don't think mine got left with anyone else for more than a couple of hours until she started 3-hour nursery sessions at 2 (with which she coped fine). Grandparents were involved, but were happy to enjoy playing with her in my presence.

He’s your baby and it’s your decision. If you wanted to meet her half way perhaps you could let her take him to a class or take him for a couple of hours while you get your nails done or something and meet them afterwards but it’s completely your call. I don’t really get MIL being overbearing like this though, they should take the lead from the mum. Also she should really be focussed on working on her relationship with you first especially if she was not accepting of you at the beginning (why was she not by the way?) building a good relationship with your daughter in law should come first and then the rest will naturally follow.

This whole my child should never be apart from me very Mumsnet and quite disingenuous.

But IS op actually saying that?

There is a world of difference between being happy to leave your child with someone else, and being happy about someone else requesting you leave your child with them. Fair enough the MIl wants to spend time, but quality time with a child doesn't require the absence of parents. or shouldn't.

I think if he naps the whole day is pointless but I think at 1 a few hours with him is ok. It sounds like you dont like her much - that’s ok but remember your child needs a relationship with her regardless of that. Grandmas are lovely even if they don’t make good MILs! X

It’s ok to not want him to go out for the whole day yet. A few hours is plenty I’d have your dh manage it though. Not your problem.

MIL did that with dc1 and it allows them to develop a lovely bond together.
It happened because it was nice TO DC1. Nit becayse I needed the break or because mil wanted to play mummy etc….

If your MIL has a tendency to step in your boubdaries, then deal with that. But don’t use your dd to do that iyswim
Ie you need to be clear it’s a once every other week thing between 10.00am and 4.00pm type of thing (or 9.00am till 1.00pm so dc can have his nap at home - whatever ever fits).
If she pushes fur more. Say NO.
If she goes over you, take dc for the whole at weekend (having asked your dh instead) etc… then it’s a full NO.

What a crock of shit. I love spending time with my granddaughter just the 2 of us. I've done my parenting of young kids and I have no desire to do it again. The Beauty of grandchildren is you get to do all the fun stuff without having to parent. Of course you must do what you feel comfortable with, maybe start small. The relationship been children and Loving grandparents is really special.

Also she should really be focussed on working on her relationship with you first

Yes, there is an aspect of sidestepping the development of that relationship.

Only the op can know if she makes MIL feel that a relationship with her isn't possible; there isn't enough info in the post. But the mere fact that OP would prefer not to step back because she's been asked to vacate during access time is not enough for me to decide OP is impossible to be with.

I think this is the nub of the issue: start small.

The Mil isn't starting small and that feels like something that is about her comfort and not the child or the mother's.

I really don’t think it’s the same to see the child with a parent there vs wo.

My MIL developped a bond with dc1 that she didn’t have with dc2 just because she could spend time with dc1 on her iwn(which she couldn’t with dc2 due to work agd FIL health going downhill)

Seems to be the “in thing” for new grandparents.
if you aren’t comfortable, say no. It appears to be for her gratification too

Fair enough that you feel this way, but I don't really agree. DH and I don't even have formal arrangements for time alone with our dc as between ourselves - and I don't believe our relationships have suffered. Our youngest has spent much less time alone with DH just because of how that played out with career developments, but the relationship is no less strong.

Theres also a lot about the OP feeling she must be asking because of xyz based in assumptions rather than events happening now.

i mean I get that past events will be colouring things fir her. That’s pretty normal. But this is someone who already looks after her other grand children 3 days a week. The MIL is likeky to just see her looking the OP dc as the norm. Abd tge OP might well be very glad fur her NIL involvement once dc starts nursery/school/she goes back to work.

I wouldn’t burn bridges just now

Personally I htink you're crazy not to agree to let her have some 1:1 time sometimes. I mean a full day doesn't sound like it's necessary or waranted, but syre, a morning, at a toddler group, then home for a nap sometimes - why not. You obviouly don't reall ylike her and feel that she's trying to undermine you, but i'd argue that this is a way to improve your relationship. Obviously, if she behaves inappropriately or doesn't respect your ground rules, that's a different story.

YANBU. It's reasonable (and natural, and fine) for her to want to see her grandchild - but it's absolutely inappropriate and boundary-violating for her to make a thing about wanting time alone with him. I'd be very suspicious of this and not allow it. She should be totally happy to see him and spend quality time with him as part of the larger family group that includes you and your husband too. She can still get her quality time - reading stories to him, eg, while you're making dinner nearby - but this feels like a bid for control/exclusion of you - so I'd say a firm no and point out that she can get her quality time perfectly well without the two of them needing to be alone together for the day.

I think it is all about the motivation of the gp. I think the vast majority would just want to see their gc and have some lovely time and others want a 'second chance' at parenting and will push and push your boundaries. My inlaws were horrendous when my children were young and it totally broke our relationship. They didn't want a grandparent relationship, they wanted a parent relationship. They wanted a day a week with the gc plus at least a week in the holidays with the gc alone. Before we had children they were not like this at all. I think unless you have seen this in practice you cannot believe that people would act like this. I couldn't believe it myself as I couldnt understand it at all. I would say that you need your partner on side and you need to be firm about how you want to parent. Ultimately if possible you want to keep a relationship which works for everyone. In my case, my inlaws were horrible to me until the kids were teens and then they totally lost interest once they were not small and squishy.

I can't believe this isn't a thing already - I loved having my sons' grandparents involved from day one then they looked after them from 5 months when I went back to work.

Your son is one, not a tiny baby. Have you never left him with anyone since he was born?

She’s offering to look after your dc without you there? Don’t push her out have you left him with your own family? What do you do if you have a hairdressers appointment or some other appointment you can’t take him to. She’s offering so let her or he will end up clingy.

I suppose I just don't see the point of it. I don't know whether my DC have spent much time alone with the DGP's, some I guess, on occasion, but not much. We didn't need help with childcare and see both sets of GPs regularly, go on holiday with them etc, but as a family. My DC have great relationships with all of their grandparents.
Insisting on time alone with someone else's child just seems really odd and unnecessary IMO.