MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

[Hideousfrump]

DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

It doesn’t have to be either of your scenarios!

I feel your response is a bit judgy of @Hideousfrump . She just wants her one year old to spend his time with her, which is perfectly understandable. I wouldn’t have been happy to hand over my DC, in this way to either my DM or MIL.

Her MIL needs to back off, she’s had her turn.

It would definitely be a barrier for my 1 year old son. A pushchair nap is max 25 minutes, he wakes up grumpy as fuck and is a little demon at bedtime and then wakes aaaaall night.

But I agree a 3-4 hour stint is reasonable. I would actually go for 1 or 2 times a week so it's routine. Once a month means baby has very little idea who she is. My son is very shy with people he doesn't know for the first hour or so.

A parent for the second time? What are you on about?!!

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

This is the relevant bit.
I generally think close relations should be encouraged but he's 1 and she's been a dick for a decade so it's a "not now" from me

If you will NEVER need child care - Suit yourself and decline while thanking her for her generous offer.

Otherwise i'd offer her some adhoc mornings as a compromise

If this was someone other than a grandma who had treated the OP like shit for 10 years would those posters saying OP should let MIL have care of baby, would they also agree that that person should have care of the baby? Why should OP trust or do what MIL wants when MIL has treated OP badly.

Where is DH in all this @Hideousfrump How much support has he been for you over the last 10 years.

And all because DH turned out okay does not always mean his parents are okay. MIL hasn’t been very nice for the last 10 years

I feel so sorry for parents now.

My mum had my first baby overnight, a week after my boy was born. And we loved it! slept all night and couldnt wait to get back to him.

We did that all the time with both my boys, nights, weekends, holidays when me and me DH went to NY, Vegas, Cali.

We trust my mum and MIL with our hearts and boys and our marriage and relationship in stronger for it.

I don't know the dynamic between OP and MIL so maybe this it out of turn but it makes me quite sad how many people wouldn't let their children go to their grandparents on their own. I had the best relationship with my grandparents growing up, I used to stay over twice a week and more during holidays because I loved it so much and it did give my mum and dad a break.

My own kids have gone to both sets of grandparents since being babies, for a couple of hours at a time at first. Sadly my parents are dead/demented now but they had some fantastic times with their grandkids including taking them on holiday most summers.

My in laws are still very involved grandparents, even now my kids are 16 and 14, they do so much running around to hobbies, they've taken them away during the summer and they do the extra bits that sometimes we just can't fit in as 2 working parents. I'd be really sad to have deprived my children of those relationships.

Trust yourself. You don't want to, so don't.

Maybe think about what it is that you don't like about your mil having her for a day and see how you can work around it, if possible? If naps are the issue, maybe a couple of hours could work instead of a whole day for example.

I want my children to have good relationships with their grandparents, I also appreciate that my mother in law enjoys seeing the grandchildren and want to help her have these experiences for her own happiness. But I will not bend over backwards to do it or stress myself out over it.

Personally, I wouldn't let grandparents have children for a full day until they've stopped napping because in my experience the naps aren't managed well and I'm given back and overtired baby/toddler.

People should be asking you how they can help as well not telling you. I never wanted "a break", I wanted space but no one ever actually asked me what I needed as a new parent.

As a DIL myself, I get really irritated by many of the DILs on these threads because I think they are way too precious about how their MIL looks, thinks, breathes - and especially what they are "allowed" to say or give as gifts.

Generally speaking, I think Mums let these dynamics get in the way to the detriment of the children, and I am a strong advocate of deepening family ties for the benefit of children

That said, anyone - GP or otherwise - specifically asking to spend time with my dc without me present would leave me uncomfortable. My DM, in particular, has been very involved with ours and HAS looked after them on her own, but it is something that happened organically. She has never, not once, asked that DH and I not be present when spending time with them. I cannot imagine that she ever would either, because I think, like me, she sees family relationships as something that develops naturally in a family setting and sees no reason to remove them from that setting to develop the relationship.

I can only think that sort of request is for the adult's comfort and ease, and has nothing to do with thinking of the child. That isn't to say that children can't be perfectly comfortable alone with their grandparents - and ours have been and ARE comfortable ( though i think at 1 it was only when really needed and they did fret a little after a while; a day is a long time and normally only something a mother does if she has to to make working etc possible).

There is just something that doesn't sit right with me when it is requested or demanded. It sort of has overtones of those feudal rights of a landlord to sleep with his vassal's new wife - droit de seigneur or whatever! It's a kind of assertion of rights over the child - which actually GP don't really have in the UK - rather than a natural enjoyment of time spent with them. Why can't anyone develop a relationship with a child without needing others specifically excluded? If I think back to time with my grandparents - which I loved - it didn't make any difference to me if my parents were there or not, and actually, had I known my Mum was sort of "expected" to make herself scarce, I would have felt a bit creeped out. To me it's not a natural request.

I retierate: nothing wrong with leaving DC with grandparents. Just a bit odd to stipulate no parent attendance.

@WFHforevermore I feel sorry for OP who has been treated like shit for 10 years by her MIL.

Also many GPs are still working so won’t be able to take up the slack for working parents. I actually feel sorry for some GPs who seem to do more hours than the parents as they still work but are also expected to take on child care duties too

No-one should expect anything from a grandparent. They are a privilege and should be respected as so.

And like any post on MN its one side of the story......

Mine spent one on one time with grandparents from younger than 1 tbh, I was very happy to let them.

If you don't like her or don't trust her then that's fine just say that. This whole my child should never be apart from me very Mumsnet and quite disingenuous.

Fully agree with all of this.

Because she can take him out and about ( or play /read stories etc).
It is healthy for the gp/gc relationship and I am unsure why you feel it wouldn't be a positive thing.
Would you feel the same if it was your mum who was asking?
Just a thought.
When my GC was a baby, I took him out every week (work permitting). Walks in park /feeding ducks etc.
Your child will positively benefit from the experience and as much as you adore your child, some 'you' time will be good

That's fine Do as you wish. Just don't moan when you mil has a better relationship with SIL kids or you want a break later on and she's then not willing

I don’t know why, but I get an impression that she’s possibly wanting to do it for her own needs and not so much yours or your child’s. GP who truly care about you will first ask what you need and want instead of making suggestions based on what they would like. Definitely trust your gut and only do what you’re comfortable with.

I have trouble imagining her mum asking op not to come along if she preferred to though.

It's actually a weird request.

BINGO!!

My MIL was like this, my DC were her first GDC. She wanted them to "need" her, rely on her even if just for milk/food, come to her rather than me when they fell and needed cuddles etc. She also loves children, all children, and is very good with them. She wants nothing more than for her GDC (she has many now) to say "I love you grandma!" - it's what fills her cup. Obviously there's nothing bad about that, quite the contrary - but all her GDC are now old enough to sense or feel that this neediness is off-putting. They all know, in an age-appropriate way, that the way she is with them is about her and not about them. As a consequence, they can all take or leave her, so now she finds herself bribing them with gifts and experiences and things she knows her parents wouldn't splurge on (under the guise of grandparents are there to spoil their grandkids - but everyone knows the real reason, including the grandchildren).

I gave up work to be with my DC, so the whole overnight/have a day off didn't fly with me. But from the age of 5 or 6 they would go to her for a week in the summer holidays, and had a grand old time. All the annual holidays were/are spent with the in-laws (my family abroad), and they saw them pretty much whenever they wanted. They're good and decent people so I would never have said no, but there was never any denying that this need for "alone time" was all about her and her children rejecting her/feeling lonely, and not at all about the children themselves, let alone DH or me.

But I don't get the impression OP wants the child distant from the MIL. She just doesn't want a kind of "temporary custody rights" arrangement.

Totally agree with this.

Appreciate the many comments saying they’d bite your hand off - well yes, if there was no undercurrent of control in the situation. That’s not the case though. I had this with my Dad who had mild narcissistic tendencies. It came loaded with ‘I’ll be doing things my way’ and judgement of what I did for my DC. So it was a hard no. If it had been my lovely mum, then I would had snapped her hand off. It’s a consistent theme OP, controlling (and to be fair, sometimes lovely normal GP) wanting 1:1 time with their GC. If it’s not necessary, then I don’t see the absolute need for it - the only people most one year old wants are their mum and dad.

Hmm my mother and nana ( her MIL) detested each other. Yet i was still allowed to stay at Nanas very regularly, spent plenty of time with her from very young. However my mother did her best to avoid seeing her MIL. Didn't affect my relationship with mum or nana tbh

Um she's just a grandmother who wants to see her grandchild. I wouldn't do it while he still has naps if you think she won't follow the routine but I'm not really sure why you wouldn't want your child to have a proper relationship with their grandma (which she can't have if you're there because it seems obvious you'll be watching her every move).

If you really don’t want to do it then say no.

I wouldn’t give up the things you enjoy doing with ds but you could use it to your advantage and do things that aren’t so fun with a toddler in tow like getting your hair done, medical appointments, looking around the shops, meetings friend for coffee or a lunch out with DH. It doesn’t need to be a regular arrangement but it can be very helpful to have someone who you can leave dc with if necessary.