MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

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DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

You might not get on well with mil for many reasons but I do think it’s always a good thing to have eager GP on side.

i found it very helpful to have mil’s help and and for my dc to be happy alone in her company when I was suddenly rushed to hospital one time and when my mum suddenly died. And if or when you have another baby you may appreciate a babysitter whilst you give birth!

why not start by getting her to babysit at your house while you go out for a few hours eg Christmas shopping or go to the gym or whatever. Or get dh to take the baby to see her for a few hours without you there.

She’s been a mum and gran for ages so she knows first time mums find this stuff hard, I’m sure. Give her a chance - all she’s guilty of is wanting to love your baby! And maybe you two don’t get along so she would just love to be given the trust of looking after the baby when you’re not there - find a way to get comfortable and you’ll reap the rewards. My kids utterly adore my PIL and I am endlessly grateful for there can never be too many people willing to love a child.

Honestly I'm shocked with the vote with soe many people agreeing with you.

Surely it's perfectly normal for a grandmother to want to have their grandchildren alone? Especially as this grandmother already has experience as they've been looking after their other grand children.

My children (now adults) had their grandparents looking after them from about 6 months - gradually building up the time.
It's great development for any baby to have time apart from their parents - otherwise you might have problems when you need to drop them off at nursery or pre-school etc.

If your MIL has form for pushing boundaries I can understand your concern to a point - but if you put boundaries in place - perhaps just start with an afternoon every now and then? If that builds up to sleepovers - perfect that means you get to have some quality time of your own!

YANBU, especially as she has not been accepting of you in the past. I’d be questioning why she thinks it’s a problem that you are also there when she sees her grandson.

I left nursery, MIL, my own mother and a qualified babysitter in charge of ours at 1. It happened we both worked night or weekend.
They turned out great.

I'd say no to a regular day but yes to the occasional couple of hours when you want to do something of evening if you and your dh want to go out.

Re the napping at home - does that mean you never get to go out for a day? It might be worth trying leaving him with her just to encourage a bit of flexibility

She’s been a parent of a one year old herself. And presumably has done a good job with your dh, or you wouldn’t have picked him? I’m a gran of a one year old and have had her for two or three overnight stays. Mainly offered to give my dd and her partner a break to have time together. It all worked out great. dgd sur survived and well rounded for a 15 month old. I have a lovely close bond with her. But of course it’s your choice. Being a grandma is a wonderful thing, and many many grandchildren have grown into lovely adults because of love and attention received from extended family as they grow. If you intend to let your mil provide childcare as she grows, then best to start off getting them used to each other now, rather than just allowing one on one contact when you start needing her to do childcare.

Why not ask her to babysit in the evening so you can go out?

She could do Bath and bedtime which is fun but it’s controlled because it’s in your house and he’ll mostly be sleeping.

That’s how we managed it.

How often do you spend time with him? If your working full or part time and she wants one of your day offs regularly. Then it would be a no from me unless it was a few hours for you to do something which you need to do on a once off or like once a month.

However, if you are at home and you can mostly trust her to meet his needs and let you know if he gets too upset away from you then I would. It’s good to foster a relationship with grandparents. Your relationship may not be great but unless she bad mouths you directly to the child. Then I don’t see a problem.

could always meet up at soft play, let her go in for two hours and you go off for shopping and lunch on your own. Doesn’t have to be a full day and even if it might be one day he may need to be built up to that anyway how.

I think it’s nice she wants to build on the relationship with her grandson as she spends more time with her other grandchildren.

No. Not until you are ready.

It's not normal to be hostile to a sons partner for a decade, and then finally start behaving yourself only because there is a baby you want access to

Be generous and let your DC spend time with her grandmother alone starting with a couple of hours. Children's relationships with grandparents are really important for both. Your DC deserves to enjoy one too.

Thanks to my paternal grandmother, I can knit, crochet and bake. She and my mum had a terrible relationship as my granny, domineering and outspoken, was a great home-maker and my mum was a shambles. I thank my mum many years later for thinking of me first.

Curious as to why you feel so strongly that you need to be present when she looks after him? I think it's good for children to have a relationship with grandparents and other family members that are separate from their parents. My sister has always spent time 1:1 with my daughter and now they are close and I feel grateful to have another person in my child's life who cares about her like I do. They wouldn't have built the same closeness if I'd always been there as young children default to their parents, as they should.

Are you sure it's not coming from a place of selfishness or fear they'll develop a separate close relationship? Because that is understandable but truly it will be positive for your child.

I'm with you OP. I don't really understand why someone would want to take a child away from their mother when there is no real reason to do so.

I babysit and childmind for my DGC but on their DP’s terms not mine! I have a very good relationship with both my in-laws because I wasn’t a pushy Granma (ok, if I’m entirely honest, I did want 121 time with my eldest but realised, after several “no’s” that my DD is a very different DM than me). I waited until I was asked and then they realised I’m not a complete idiot so I see my DGC as regularly as I can bearing in mind they live 4 hours away. I do tend to drop everything when I’m asked to childmind but I still work so it’s when they know I can do it or it’s an emergency!

Maybe OP isn't comfortable about leaving her baby with someone who refused to welcome OP into the family for 10 years. It sounds as though she is only interested now because OP has given birth to her grandchild. Therefore, as far as OP is concerned, she isn't a particularly nice person so she will be wary of leaving her child with her.

Normally, you don't get to treat someone like shit for 10 years and then expect them to like and trust you enough to feel comfortable leaving your baby with them.

This really isn’t true. My kids didn’t have very regular time alone with their grandparents until they were much older, and they have wonderful relationships with them.

I find the notion that you can somehow only bond with a child of you can get them away from
their parents really odd.

I’m close to a variety of friends children who I have never had alone.

People can really be weird sometimes about MIL on here.

It's her grandkid, why can't she have your child on her own for a bit? I think 1 is old enough. 🫤

I'm guessing she just wants to bond. What is wrong with a grandmother wanting to be with her grand kid?

You will always be mum so don't worry about that!

Why does it have to be taking away though?

I honestly don't understand that view at all.

I was incredibly close with both of my grandmothers. I wasn't taken away from my mum. I loved my mother more than them both but I adored them as grandparents.

Why is not that they love their grandchild and would love to spend some 1 on 1 time?

I'd say no for now as he's too young, but maybe when he's three.

Why does she need the child alone to bond?

She doesn't have to but why can't she?

What's the big deal?

Agreed. And it's nice she's including him-as she should-but there are some grandparents who only take one of their grandchildren, which is unfair. It's beneficial to the whole family, as in an emergency, there's less to worry about (say if you needed to be rushed to hospital and your partner wanted to come). I had to start work early, so my kids were used to staying away, and when an emergency happened, as these things do, there was no panic about whether the kid will be scared/whether grandparent knows what food they're on/what they wear to sleep etc.
Her being rude to you is a separate matter, and for me, I'd want to meet 1:1 to discuss that. Rather than avoiding the conflict, I'd want to go for coffee and ask for an explanation (ideally an apology and then move forward). I wouldn't ban her seeing her grandchild if she refused to apologise, but I'd point out that she is one of a very few people also related to my child, one of the few people who could reasonably be expected to love him like I do, and that ideally I want to be able to love and respect her, as we're all one family.

Because the Mum isn't comfortable with it, that's why.

Oh my goodness. I see the more different adults who want to be involved in children's lives the better for them. It takes a village to raise a child. Maybe 1 is young for some people, but not for grandparents!

My mother had a similar situation with my father's grandparents, well worse. They didn't approve of her. Maybe they would have accepted her more had they lived 10 years after my parents got married but unfortunately they both died relatively young. My mother did let my older sibling spend time at their house on their own, aged 1-5. It's something my elder sibling really appreciates now (we are both over 45); feels benefited enormously from spending time with our grandmother in formative years. Unfortunately, I only had a little bit of time with my grandmother and I am a bit envious of my older sibling and my cousin.

I don't understand why you'd want to stop your child from building a bond with his grandma.

I know you say she spends time with him when you're there, but it's not the same as having that 1-1 time. I'd also say it's really important that DS is used to time alone with someone else in case you ever need help in an emergency.