MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

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DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

It's funny how we all think differently because I think this is so weird but yeah we're all different.

I think some of these posts really aren't being fair on op.

She hasn't said anything about needing to go to the hairdresser but feeling she can't, won't and never has leave her dc.

What has happened is that she has been approached with a demand for time with the child without her present. You must be able to see the distinction?

You could decide that she's never allowed 1:1 time with them and still not be unreasonable. You're the parent, you decide what you think is best. Grandparents aren't entitled to anything.

It sounds like she doesn't feel close with you, and would therefore like the opportunity to bond with her grandchild without you in the picture. But who's fault is that? She should have thought of this during all those years she spent keeping you deliberately at arms length. If you want to be close with a child, you need to be close with their parents. It's very normal to feel uncomfortable leaving your child - and especially a baby - with someone you do not have a good relationship with. Don't allow anybody to guilt trip you and tell you that it's selfish. You aren't stopping her from seeing the baby or preventing them from developing a bond. It's just not on her terms.

@MaurineWayBackThe Mil hasn't done anything wrong. She's asked to have him for the day. She hasn't come and taken him away. Op just needs to say she's not comfortable with that and maybe let's start with something shorter.

And he never will if you don’t at least try. Mine slept in their pram all the time. The motion of the pram soon sends them off to sleep. If we were at home they slept downstairs in the play pen and I would hoover to get them off to sleep. You can’t revolve your life around a baby. You have to live

I am a grandchild whose grandmother didn't much like my mother, her daughter in law. Granny pushed for alone time in my case too. My sister and I went to see her for a week at a time in the summers, starting when we were grade school age, and it didn't turn out well. We were told regularly what awful children we were, got food poisoning regularly, and I once got heat stroke on the first day of a stay, was sick as a parrot for 3 days and Granny refused to notify our parents as she 'didn't want to be blamed.'

Our parents refused to do anything about these -and other- problems when we told them about it. I felt betrayed by them and my grandmother. I realise most people aren't that malicious, but trust your feelings. My parents have admitted lately-30 years after the fact!- that they felt uncomfortable leaving us with her, but felt obligated so we could 'bond' with our grandmother. My first cousins on that side have all 4 admitted to being mistreated by our mutual granny as well.

Do what is right for your little man. My grandmother didn't care for my mother and openly admitted to mistreating us on that account. I'm not saying that is automatically going to happen, just that there's no reason to take chances. He's so young anyway. There is no guarantee she'd be in good enough health to babysit when he gets older anyhow. It's cheaper to hire a trustworthy babysitter than pay in more subtle ways by leaving him with an untrustworthy family member. She has shown you who she is by dismissing you for 10 years. Believe her!

Totally get it. Just thank her for the offer but explain that you really love being a mum and looking after your son and actually you don't need a break at the moment, but you'll bear it in mind for the future if things change. There is no need for her to spend time with him without you there.

I would jump at the chance honestly. Having involved grandparents is a privilege a lot of us wish we had. But I think it’s ok to start small and you can absolutely say no to baby classes or sleepovers. Work out your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with and then maybe she can babysit so you and your partner can go to dinner or something first? Anytime my family or in laws visit we let them have a day alone with your kids so they can get true quality time without me hovering (it is so hard to not jump in when it’s your own child).

Just invite her along on outings, trips to the park, round for supper and bath-time etc.

If she wants to see the child, that will be something, and, as relationships develop in that setting, it may feel more natural and organic to leave him with her for extended periods. If she doesn't want to bother with that, or the relationship can't develop that way. you have an answer.

I don’t understand why people make this so deep, she just wants to spend a bit of time with her grandson? My mum and MIL have always had quality time with my little boy, he’s 4 now and loves the bones off both of them!

I have looked after my two grandchildren one day a week from about this age to help out with childcare. We have a cot for naps or they would sleep in the pushchair if we went out for a walk. I’m biased but I think everyone has benefitted from this and relationships have strengthened across the board with both my DD and DDIL.
I disagree with a PP that ‘I want to parent a second time and do things my way’. I have always been very careful to follow their parenting choices and not undermine them.
Why not have a chat and explain your hesitation and maybe compromise on her having him for the odd afternoon?

@BeeDavis she sees him every week, just not on her own. She can build that relationship up. But if MIL is not very nice to OP as the child gets older they will notice that granny isn’t nice to mummy

This is MN where all MILs are evil. One day, if you are lucky, you will be a MIL trying to negotiate a relationship with GC via your own DIL. When that day comes you will surely long for some 1:1 time so your DIL isn't scrutinising your every move and looking for anything she can take offence to.
You might remember how tough it is to be a young mum, and imagine you can support your DIL at the same time by giving her some time off.
Your relationship with your MIL clearly got off to a poor start. Maybe that was all her fault, or maybe she had her reasons for being slow to welcome you. However that is, you are allowing your resentment and dislike to shape your judgement. Countless children are looked after by GP at this age as an alternative to paid-for childcare. Your MIL looks after her other GC and raised your DH so presumably she's capable of spending 1:1 time with her son's son. Ask yourself honestly;
Would I feel differently if I liked MIL?
Would I feel differently about my own DM spending this time with my DS?
Am I acting in DS's interests or my own?
How will I feel in future if she starts favouring her other GC because they are closer?

Fwiw, I agree with @Calliopespa and others that it's key to start small. But I don't agree that she wants something she shouldn't. Set boundaries if you need to, start small, find occasions where MIL looking after your DS works well for you (even PFB allows you to meet up with friends or go out for dinner with your DH without a toddler in tow). But try not to let your impaired relationship with MIL marr your son's precious extended family relationships.

@BridgeovertheriverTest unfortunately the MIL looks as if she has lived up to MN stereotype by not being nice and welcoming to her DIL.

Completely up to you. I don't think he's too young, I have had my GC on my own regularly since birth, including sleepovers as that suited their parents. But if it doesn't suit you, then you don't need to justify yourself. If I were you I'd try to decline with tact if you can though, emphasising how much you want to do the things, rather than that you don't want her to iyswim? As given the amount of contact she has with you little ones cousins, it would be good to preserve a relationship so DS doesn't feel like the GC who gets less attention from grandma.

I think it's lovely that you MIL wants to spend one on one time with her grandchild. If you don't think he's quite ready, just say so, but make sure to thank her and say you'd love to set something up when he's a bit older. Or find a time that might actually be helpful for you and suggest she has him for just half a day, given his age.

Your reasons for him not to do this seem a bit flimsy. Don't do anything that feels uncomfortable for you, but do place significant importance on your son developing a close relationship with this grandmother - it will benefit him (and you, and her) in the long run.

I wish my parents would have offered to have my kids more when they were little. I don’t really see an issue? It’s good for your ds to get used to not being glued to you all the time, it will make things easier if there was an emergency one day and you needed someone else to look after him (say if you had to stay in hospital or another family emergency). I understand the worry of parents having different parenting styles and them maybe allowing your child to do things you would not allow at home but it really won’t hurt for the occasional day, it may actually be beneficial to your ds and to you?

MN doing that very weird thing again about MIL's being creepy & strange & trying to be a parent again. Absolutely bloody ridiculous. I can promise you that as a nan & a MIL I've done my parenting of small ppl, thanks, now I want to GRANDparent which is entirely different (& much less stressful).

OP - heavily check your motivation here, cos this is about your DS relationship with her, not yours. It's extremely unlikely she's trying to replace you, she just wants DGS to herself for a bit. Why not suggest she take him to do the food shops, or something? That way it's just a few hours.

But please do not buy into the notion that grandparents want to actually parent or there's something sinister going on, cos 99% of the time there's just not - we just want to chill with our tiny family members as the primary carer in the moment, that's it.

The MIL was hostile to the OP for a decade, how has she not done anything wrong?

Obviously this is your and your dh's call, as parents.

But can you imagine the other thread, if she didn't offer ?

'"MiL has SiL's dc 3x a week and has never offered to look after ours"

I guess we are all coming from our own perspectives.
My parents died when my dc were very little. I'd give anything for them to have known my parents and had a special relationship with memories of doing things, like my sister's dc have of their Grandmother (my sister's MiL). My PiL would very, very rarely even babysit once mine were in bed though. Never spent time with them without us. Never came along to support with things. Wouldn't dream of having them for an hour whilst I went to the Dentist of for a smear test of to have my haircut let alone meet a friend or do anything for myself.

I'd definitely let their Grandma do this for them, for you , and yes, even if you felt it was for her.

My mum has had my DD 1 day a week since she was 10 months. She’s now 13 months and has had a sleepover twice without me.

DD absolutely loves my DM, and for me it’s great they have that relationship. DD is fortunate to be able to spend quality time with other trusted caregivers. She has a great time whenever she goes!

But my DM really put in the effort to create a relationship, coming to see her at my house pretty much weekly since she was born. I can’t say how I’d feel about MIL having DD alone so young. It’ll never come up with my MIL though - she’s been providing granny’s daycare for her other DGC for over a decade, and she’s not as hands on with our DD.

Well if you want to be the primary carer in the moment surely you have to have a half decent relationship with the actual parent. Not treat them like shit for a decade and then realise that actually they are now useful so you'll start behaving yourself.

I am so jealous! Where do you get those MILs who want to spend a whole day, never mind an hour with your snotty, non-verbal and tiresome 1-year old? I am so jealous!

Exactly! Most posters are just brushing past or ignoring the part of OP's post where she states that it took MIL a decade to accept her into her family. I wonder what those 10 years were like for OP with MIL excluding her from family stuff. I'm pretty sure that OP would be much more relaxed about her MIL having some 1:1 time with her baby if MIL had been kind and welcoming to her from the beginning.