MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

[Hideousfrump]

DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

One incident 10 years ago would be one thing. Being treated like an unwelcome interloper for 10 years is different and much harder to just put aside for the sake of family harmony when OP's MIL couldn't have given a toss about family harmony when ostracising OP.

MIL been hoist by her own petard as she was the driver for the lack of a relationship between her and OP which has come back to bite her on the arse now that she wants access to OP's child.

I've found this an interesting thread because I have to say in these Mil/Dil "collisions," I normally find it is the DIL who is being unreasonable and should look to the bigger picture.

So many threads about: "I clearly stipulated we did NOT require onesies for baby, and that we would like dresses for Christmas but what do you think we got?! A dress AND a onesie!!! Mil claimed she'd already bought it." Or: " MIL KNOWS DH and I don't eat sprouts, but what do you think there was a big bowl of at Christmas dinner?!

I tend to always think, oh just put the kid in the onesie for a single visit and get over yourself. The child will have grown out of it in two months, and there's no need for treatises on boundaries over that. And if you leave them with GP while you and DH go to a wedding, then yes, they might get given something for lunch you wouldn't choose, but, in the bigger picture, it's part of having a wider family to fall back on.

But here I actually think it's the MIL who is BU, I think because, as a general rule, I think these relationships work best - especially for children - where the different "outposts" of family are taken as they come, and people don't try to dictate or demand. But here it is the MIL doing exactly that. OP is making sure MIL sees the dc regularly and beyond that, I think its a case of waiting till an occasion arises where it might be helpful to OP. I had good relationships with my GP but I don't have that many memories of time without my parents also (being allowed!) in the background. But we all grew up with GP very much in our lives.

Grandparents are moaned about on here constantly. Ironically, often because they don't show enough interest in their grandchildren. Or that they don't do enough free childcare. But if they actively love and want contact with their DGCs, they're intrusive and it's a red flag.

Basically they can't win.

But don't you think they could show interest and have contact without stipulating that will look like a whole day every week? And that op will not attend?

Again, words like 'stipulating' and 'demanding' rarely describe accurately what is going on. If an OP says that a grandparent is wanting or asking for something, within a few posts, people are claiming they the GP is demanding or forcing something.

Funnily enough, while MNetters are fighting like rats in a sack about maternal vs GP 'rights' and wrongs, OP has quietly thought about the situation, decided where she is and isn't ready to make concessions and identified a 'small steps' way forward when the time is right and a good opportunity presents itself. She isn't withholding contact or a relationship between GM and baby, and is open to letting more develop over time. I think that's healthy assertiveness rather than preciousness and if I could, I would now vote @Hideousfrump is NBU.

Look, I am normally on the side of GPs. I think they do get a tough time on here.

But wanting the op's baby for a whole day every week, and NOT wanting op to be part of that as, say, a trip to the park to feed the ducks together with Granny, is a huge ask. It's her baby.

There are so many other ways the GM could be building a lovely relationship without demanding that. It seems a bit of an all or nothing demand.

I assume most people who let GPs have 1:1 time with their babies did it for their benefit rather the GPs, eg so they could go to the hairdressers, date night, work, just needed one night of unbroken sleep. The primary reason was not for the GP’s benefit.

OP is letting GP see her baby pretty much on a weekly basis, which in most people’s books is a reasonable amount. And is working on building up the relationship with GP and baby which is the parent’s right to do. Not sure why some GPs can’t see that and start demanding 1:1 time, overnights etc especially when a child is so young.

All the GPs in our family lived miles away so weekly meet ups, overnights etc were not on the cards, but we facilitated other ways to build the bond between DC and them and they have close relationship with them. But as stated earlier in this thread we did have some teething problems with MIL at first and we had to be in charge of that relationship and not listen to her demands as to do otherwise could have had serious health consequences as refused to acknowledge food allergy

Again, the use of demand. An all or nothing demand, even.

The OP:
DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

MIL has started asking. She's not demanded. She's not imposed. She's not said 'if I can't have baby to myself I don't want you coming around with him at all'.

The hyperbole on this thread is strong.i

That's fair on the wording of the first post.

Perhaps it was op's second and fourth post lamenting that she felt awkward about not being included that gave the impression the MIL had been more demanding about that aspect. After all, we can only go on what op has told us - and it seemed she felt the Mil HAD stipulated that (and yes stipulation was how it came across to me) . At least that's where I got that impression from.

@saraclara you are ignoring the second paragraph where the OP says MIL is very pushy so that is why people are assuming it comes across as a demand, and also that she will want to push it further. And also let’s face it if granny was very easy going and just wondered if she could take baby for a walk in the pram on her own OP probably wouldn’t have posted.

I would say she can visit whenever she wants and spend time with him with you being around in case he needs you. He’s too young and needs to be with his mum at this age for his good emotional and physical development. Tell her that he’s young you’ll discuss when he’s a bit older but that she’s welcome to visit anytime

I think this is a perfectly normal and healthy extended family arrangement.

I don't see why the Mil should take umbrage at this suggestion.

Yawn. More hyperbole. If you want to see fewer threads about MILs who misbehave, maybe direct your efforts towards the MILs.

@BridgeovertheriverTest

Completely agree. MILs on MN seem to be the devil incarnate. Only one notch above cheating H’s.

Mine wasn’t perfect, in hindsight so wasn’t I when I was a new and anxious mother.

But she did love my kids, and I am happy they had a relationship, while she was around…

Most mothers of sons complaining about their MILs don’t seem to understand that one day they’ll be MILs. And they will turn into pumpkins too.

Just tell her you won't be comfortable with that for at least a few more years. See where you are at then but you are under no obligation to allow him.

AND HER SONS CHILD

Why does 1 feel very young to be alone with a grandparent?!?!?! WTF My baby spent the day with grandma occasionally from 6 weeks!

Does seem odd seeing at most children of working parents will be in childcare of some description at that age

Because a 1 year old is still essentially a baby?!?!?! Each to their own but no way would I have been leaving my 6 week old with someone else.

Just because a lot of mums have to put their children into childcare, it doesn’t mean we are all obligated to let grandparents have them without the parents being there.

I can only go by my experience, but every mum I know whose baby is at Nursery would much prefer that their child was at home with them. Just because most people are forced to do it, it doesn’t make it right separating a child who can’t even communicate yet from their mum.

…which she isn’t automatically entitled to.

Lots of babies are in childcare, you are correct.

But I don't think the issue is that op thinks it simply isn't possible for the baby to do so if she needed to. It's that, having taken the time out of her career so she doesn't have to, is it reasonable for the mil to then request she lets her have the child as a weekly fixture.

If op wanted the time to herself, it might be an opportunity she would jump at. But, for whatever her personal reasons are, spending time with her baby has been a priority for op.

I also don't think op is at all bothered about spending time with the MIL and the baby, she just doesn't want to surrender the baby to someone else for a full day. Lots of mums do feel like that, Not everyone has to feel the same - which is why it is good that there are far more options in society now. My BF couldn't wait to get her dc into full day childcare. But some mums don't feel like that, which is why they take leave at significant financial cost.

If I were you op, I'd say to MIL let's make sure we spend time together every week ( I think you said it's currently every week to two weeks?), but I'm not yet comfortable leaving him as a regular thing. It is good for him to forge a bond, but the MIL shouldn't require you not to be there. The baby certainly doesn't. Children are quite capable bonding with two parents in one home without one parent being sent off regularly.

Nor is the DIL automatically entitled to veto the sons choices

My eldest was at nursery from 13 weeks. I didn't prefer to have her with me 24/7. Of course the " people you know" are going to be of a similar type to you