MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

[Hideousfrump]

DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

I’m not really sure how I feel about it - 1 feels very young for him to be doing this and MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well. I also love spending time with my little man and don’t need or want a break anyway!

DS still naps in his cot for hours at a time so it’s not like she can take him out for the day anyway so it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. She looks after SILs children 3+ times a week so she gets to do all of that anyway albeit not with DS.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

AIBU to not want her having DS on her own yet?

"clearly got off to a poor start"??? The OP says she was unwelcoming for 10 years! That's not a start!

I am sure when OP has her own kids and grandkids she wont have been rude to their partners for a decade and then expect everything to be hunkydory.

We've literally zero information on what the behaviour was, absolutely none at all. The fact remains that you don't withhold your children from relationships with grandparents cos you don't get on (assuming no abuse, obvs). That's not ok

My in-laws were already having our two for sleepovers at that age. They and the DC loved it and so did we.

YABU

@Caerulea actually I think it is okay at times to withhold a child from say a grandparent. If granny was continually bad mouthing me, no way would my child be in their presence to hear that.

So ungrateful. My kids have one dead grandma and one with dementia. No chance of a lovely relationship there

As other posters have said I think it's really suspicious that your MIL wants to have alone time. It sounds controlling - what does she want to do or say to your kid that she can't when you're there. Personally I would not agree to this with a MIL who treated me badly for 10 years unless I really needed the help (which it sounds like you don't). You don't get to treat the mum badly then demand access to her baby, sorry!

I think that when the parents are around, the baby/child will naturally still want to be with their mum / dad more than grandparent. I know my mum in particular loves time with my DC without me there, she can relax more as she can do things her way and they in turn interact with her more and rely on her more. I do t see this as a negative, in fact it’s very much a positive and now at age 5 and 2 I love that they have an adult who I can fully trust to leave with at any time and who they absolutely adore. I never need to leave her instructions (unlike MIL who has barely spent any 1:1 time with them) she just gets on with things her way.

I’d love to have in-laws who wanted to look after GC. We’ve had to use babysitters when we’ve wanted a break as no family to help. I’d give my left arm to have GP’s who could look after them and actually desperately wanted to

She wants a custody day.

That's a no ma'am.

She had her kids. Did she give her MIL a custody day starting from when her kids were 1 year old?

She wants to pretend she's your kid's parent, that's why she doesn't want you around. I would not encourage her at all in this. She's very entitled.

Now it's your turn to enjoy your child. It's not selfish for a parent to love spending time with their child.

She's not withholding them though. They see her regularly. I just find it really odd that it somehow "doesn't count" if the OP is present.

To be clear, I'm fully in favour of facilitating family connections, and don't consider MILs creepy or "evil" or any of the other "MN tendencies" along those lines referred to be @BridgeovertheriverTest . On the whole I am pro Mils and think DILS can be obstructive unnecessarily.

I just genuinely think in this instance it's the MIL being obstructive of healthy family dynamics here. OP is ensuring she sees the GC regularly, but for some reason that isn't good enough. What would make it "good enough" is to exclude the small child's mother. That's off to me.

I think you have to be really honest with yourself about why you feel she wants this. I'd prefer to sometimes see grandchildren on their own too - kids are definitely different when mum and dad aren't around and it could just be that she wants to spend proper time with him when he's willing to engage with her and not just looking for you all the time.

But of you feel it's a chance for her to show him off to her friends, or do things 'her way' or anything else nefarious them I'd politely decline.

I fully trust my dc's grandparents, but they didn't need to ask me to please get lost for that trust to develop.

I’m guessing though that when OP needs her MIL to provide childcare around school etc when the time comes, that she will have no qualms about allowing it at that point.

@Hideousfrump YANBU OP - he's your son and you get to decide when he's old enough to spend 1:1 time with your MIL. You've written quite clearly on here that you love spending time with your DS, you really like taking him to his toddler classes and you don’t need or want a break, so tell her this, but also that when you feel you are both ready for her to have him alone, you will let her know. I hope she respects your POV.

kids are definitely different when mum and dad aren't around

Yes. More inhibited usually - and less comfortable to make their needs heard. I'm not sure that's a good thing for the child - though I get it might be easier for the adults.

Oh I definitely don't think that's necessarily the case. I'm talking about kind, family interactions. That's why I made the differentiation.

The most bonkers post on MN today. Where do you get from OPs post that mil wants custody or to pretend to be child’s parent?

Yes - I think all your examples of loving your time with him you don’t have to give up - you don’t need to for her to play out whatever she is

cherish your son.

just make sure also you have people he can go to if there is an emergency

I like the idea of her having him while you do a run or similar - but make it work entirely for you - if she’s not up for it 👋 bye bye

I have, as others have said, looked after my DGC since they were 12 months old at DDs request. DGC just going home and I'm on my knees😂

I don’t think it’s that young to leave a child with a grandparent to be honest, since a lot of children start nursery around that age. He could nap in a travel cot.

If a whole day feels too much, I would definitely take her up on the offer while going to the gym or getting a haircut.

He’s your child though so it’s absolutely up to you.

When does your mum see him?

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

No from me then

You don't want to. You weren't 'family' until you had something she wanted - a GC. And now she wants solo access to said GC? Nope. You don't have to be comfortable with that or agree to it.

What is OP supposed to be grateful for? OP loves spending time with her DS and taking him to his toddler classes and why shouldn't she? She's his mother. And she says she doesn't need a break. She ensures her MIL sees him every week so she's not denying her contact. One day she may well appreciate her MIL's 1:1 involvement - just not yet - and she shouldn't feel pressurised to do something she doesn't want to do.

It’s hardly ungrateful if the mother in law took ten years to accept her! Don’t project your own situation onto OP’s.