Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

You could just start booking a week away here and there to London or other cities. He might grumble the first few times but he’ll get used to it. I wouldn’t go straight for divorce.

I’m probably in the ‘open up your own life first, talk about new possibilities with your Dh, consider buying two separate places together’ camp.

What is making me pause though is the information that he criticised what your DIL wears. Do you mean he moans about it to you, or (surely not) to her? Either way, how is anyone allowing that? If that was more than just a few ill-judged moans, I’d be leaning towards the divorce camp on that alone. RIP my FIL who would no more have criticised my clothes than fly to the moon.

What would be the point of that?

Why should the OP hold onto a marriage which she find stifling and draining?

Why are people trying to find ways for her to remain in this grim marriage? It sounds as if she doesn’t need the money.

Life is too short to stay with someone who shortens it further through their miserable nature.

How old are you both? Is he a lot older than you?

I don’t agree with a lot of these comments- you were on holiday op, for a whole week! And you came back to someone who wasn’t on holiday expecting him to be as enthusiastic as you were after a lovely week! Saying that you do need to adress your holiday mismatches if it’s a thing/ dealbreaker for you. Or I could be wrong and you have a horrible marriage, but just try to remember holidays skew things sometimes

If you still have some feelings for him, would he consider moving to London with you? Then you could lead separate lives together as it were.

If not go for it. A friend of mine’s DH recently died, like you she lived in the country, she moved to London and she’s loving it. She’s thrown herself into her life here - joining clubs and societies and festival committees and meeting new people.

I would do it while you’re still young enough to set up a new life here including your children. They’re of an age they will start to have kids soon and you can be involved with the gc.

This is pretty much what I was going to write. It sounds miserable and not sustainable long term but doesn’t need to be all or nothing straight away.

As long as DH isn't stopping you from doing things I'd start there.

I don’t think it’s a leave or stay situation. You had fun without him around - why do you need to do any of the fun stuff with him? He doesn’t like museums or pubs or new people, fine. What’s stopping you doing more of this alone? It sounds like even if you dragged him along he’d be miserable and mess your experience up. I wouldn’t bother trying to change him or leave (yet). I would spend some time cultivating a life outside of him first. Your husband doesn’t have to be the center of your world.

I agree. The fact that her son commented how much more he enjoyed doing things with his mum without his dad there because his dad criticises what his son's girlfriend wears and complains if they show each other any affection really rings alarm bells. It's more than him just being stuck in his ways because that is actively unpleasant, judgemental and controlling behaviour.

He sounds like a rude, fun-sucking old man and OP deserves better.

But why remain with someone who hates the things you value?

I don't understand the logic here.

Why does he think it's ok to comment on your son's girlfriends clothes? This seems really inappropriate

He also seems exhausting to live with, I don't know how you put up with how inflexible he is

A couple of months in a London AirBnB would come in around £10k all told. OP sounds comfortable, not loaded - and she works. Doing this would probably mean leaving her job early and taking a sizeable chunk off her property potential.

OP has her own thoughts, but I do feel all these gently-gently approaches are costly attempts to delay the inevitable. So costly that they could end up making the bid for freedom unaffordable.

It's not as if the man's suddenly acquired his miserable, narrow-minded, controlling character. Her DC are acutely aware of it and the effect it's had on their mum. The most fruitful conversations she could have about changing her life, I feel, are not with Mr Negative but with her children.

It sounds like he’s taking the joy out of life, and being a tyrant in the home.
life is far too brief and precious to miss out on even the simple joys of trying new foods, listening to music, and having a nice, peaceful time without someone being awful about their bedtime.

if you can’t leave, can’t you at least go do things on your own, or even stay up past his bedtime and have some nice music?

enjoy your life, OP. There’s no law that you have to stay with someone who behaves like this. He sounds dreary and depressing.

@Artien another option is to move to London with him, would you feel happy?

He definetly sounds ASD. It gets worse with age with men. They just become more rigid and angry. I'm sure there's a thread on here about suriving a relationship with an ASD husband

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5299389-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-15

It seems a bit extreme to have jumped straight to divorce. Perhaps try marriage counselling first so you can talk without him dismissing your points? It seems a bit unfair to not let him know how serious you are about this.
If however he won’t go to counselling or he is making you unhappy then obviously you don’t need anyone’s permission to leave.

You should both be spending time doing your own thing. DH and I have seperate holidays (as well as ones together), as we have seperate views of what constitutes a good time. We have seperate hobbies … he does stuff I think is boring as vice versa (I would imagine but have never asked him).

Your options op are do more on your own or leave - i too wonder if he is on the spectrum.

You say you didn't think your marriage was unhappy, so were you happy before? You've had a week when you've seen another side of life. Everything went well and you discovered new things you enjoyed. Can you bring those things into your life now without leaving your husband? He doesn't have to do them too. There are downsides to being on your own (loneliness, finances, having to deal with a leaking tap or an awkward neighbour or paperwork) so consider those and try to recognize the good things about your husband. Do some things on your own, keep finding new activities and experiences. See how that works out - but in the end you are free to go if you still want to. It's your choice.

I urge you to keep an open mind and not view London through rose-tinted glasses. Living in London is fabulous in many ways, but as a previous resident for 10 years, I very seldom visited museums or the theatre. They are great if you visiting as a tourist, but there are only so many museums and the theatre is soooo expensive! It is only really doable for most people on the odd occasion, nobody I knew who actually lived in London went to museums or the theatre on a regular basis. The notion of spending your evenings immersing yourself in enriching activities such as the theatre sounds delightful, but in reality it would be a novelty that would soon wear off.

Everything is insanely expensive, you will end up spending £50 without realising shortly after leaving your front door. You will most likely have to become accustomed to poorer quality housing and more cramped living conditions as your money simply doesn't take you very far. London is also a lonely place with no sense of community. The easiest way to meet people tends to be through work, this may prove challenging if you are mostly working remotely. As lovely as your children are, I doubt many late 20's early 30's adults want to spend all of their leisure time with their mum, they will be snowed under with work/hobbies/friends and rightly so.

I recommend renting an air bnb for at least 6 weeks in London and working from there as a trial run if you are serious. Preferably soon as we are now in the winter months, this is distinctly different to living in London in the summer. This will give you insight of life in London through the eyes of a resident and not the rose-tinted glasses as a tourist. See how you fare outside confines of your marital life and stringent routine with your husband. If you ultimately consider buying a flat, please also look into the astronomical costs of the service charges of many flats in London.

I’m with the many people who say just start doing things for yourself and see what you discover. Don’t stifle your life for him. But don’t jump immediately to running away.

If you used to enjoy things together maybe that version of him is still there and will come out. Maybe it’s not. But by getting on and living life you’ll find out.

If he moans tell him the truth. That his lack of spontaneity and openness to doing things is a problem for you so you’re doing your own thing. Invite him to some stuff and give him a chance. I wouldn’t go into it expecting change from him, but I guess it’s one possible outcome.

Whatever you do, please start enjoying yourself!

It sounds very suffocating. Is that how you want to live for the next 20 odd years?

His need for routine is one thing, which you are absolutely within your rights to decide whether or not you want to live your life that way and whether he’s making you happy. But his comments about your son’s girlfriend’s clothes are absolutely not on.