Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

I expect OP wondered about ASD because DH feels so much more comfortable with familiar things and knowing what is going happen. Her suggestion is not stupid or insulting in any way.

That did not come from the OP but was the 2nd response by a random poster. OP didn't raise it. and it's pretty insulting to assume the reason why someone is a dick because he must be autistic. I mean what the actual fuck.

Whoever said it, it, I didn't get the impression at all that it was suggested because DH is an unpleasant person. The guy likes order and predictability. So do many people with ASD.

I totally disagree and would prefer to be with someone I could stay young with, rather than grow old with.

You can’t ’stay young’ with anyone if you are ill, have cancer etc - the reality is that as we age we have to repair joints and often become unwell etc - is a young buck going to hang around serving soup and helping op to the loo? Or will op end up leaning too heavily on her children?

Is it really that fun being old, alone and vulnerable in an over crowded often dangerous capital city?

It’s easy to soak up the vitality and energy of the young, and enjoy a holiday or two, it’s a world away from actually being young yourself. Op isn’t going to be young again, and throwing away such a long lasting marriage shouldn’t be done on a whim. Shirley valentine was a film not real life.

I disagree, my dad is 90 and is really in a lot of pain, but is young at heart. Still curious about life and would go anywhere and still makes me laugh.

Of course you can stay young with someone. It means not accepting that with age we slow down and accept the rot. It’s about squeezing every bit of life out of living. Going dancing, meeting new people and generally trying different things

Not going to bed early and doing the exact same things, eating and the exact same foods day in and day out. That way is where dementia lies

You've had a glimpse of how life could be for you.
Go for the full on technicolour version.👍😁

Well I personally think you owe it to a man you’ve spent 40 years with to communicate your dissatisfaction and suggesting potential solutions before springing a divorce.

I wish posters wouldn’t look to sabotage a long successful marriage over a nice week away and a game of chess like your DH was an elderly pet who needed to be put down. Although they’d probably give the cat more thought.

But op could create that life today, she could have enjoyed dancing and fun twenty years ago! I know I have lived my life like this. It’s a shame it’s taken this holiday to show op how she could live but better late than never.

However I really don’t believe she needs to divorce and run off to London to secure a joyful, curious and exciting life! I think she can have the best of both worlds, and should she become ill, or in need her dh of many decades is more likely to support her. He can put his feet up in the meantime, but she doesn’t have to!

But op could create that life today, she could have enjoyed dancing and fun twenty years ago! I know I have lived my life like this. It’s a shame it’s taken this holiday to show op how she could live but better late than never

Yes, me too! I go out and do lots of things I love. Sometimes DH joins me, sometimes he isnt interested in joining in, its all good and it wont stop me from doing them- why on earth would it?

I think we all need to take some responsibility for our lives. OP could have gone around galleries or to museums years ago- nothing was stopping her.

Spot on

Op you have to do what makes you happy.
That's all that matter's.
I was quite the opposite to you I was in a relationship where I was constantly on the go,all ways out.
Felt like I was being forced to talk to people I didn't know.
Going places I had no interest in.
Couldn't say no as it would cause an argument.
Long story short.
I left i Couldn't do it anymore.
Im an introvert and I like that.

I wish posters wouldn’t look to sabotage a long successful marriage

Define successful.

OP has been slowly diminished during her marriage and is a smaller person for it. She has finally realised this herself and doesn't like it.
Their son doesn't want to be around his own father. I highly doubt his gf does either.

It is impossible to sabotage a happy, mutually supportive relationship. This isn't one.

OP has been slowly diminished during her marriage and is a smaller person for it.

Where did she say that?

She said their lifestyle became boring and predictable since the kids were young, that it worked for a time but isn't working for her anymore.

All of her feels are totally valid. But her husband is probably clueless she's unhappy because she decided to post on MN instead of having a conversation with him.

Just wanted to add how nice of your son and his gf to bring you along - you must be a wonderful mum and you definitely deserve some spontaneity and fun in your life. I would really be questioning this marriage if I was in your shoes - sorry to say this.

To be fair I think a lot of men get like this as they age, I certainly recognise elements in my DH.
However can you not build this life of spontaneity and excitement alongside your life with your DH?
I see friends/ adult DC’s for days out and weekends away where we go to shows, visit new places and travel. I volunteer for a charity where I can chat to new people and do the same at a sport I attend.
This way I am happy to come back to routine for part of the time.

Sometimes you just have to read in between the lines. Some people can't. It's funny how you are ignoring the son being very relieved not to have his father around, or that the father picks on an unrelated adult woman's clothing items. Neither are normal which begs the question on whether this really is a successful marriage or one that probably diminishes everyone else in the vicinity.

Not ignoring those things at all, her husband sounds like an arse.

But reading between the lines, nobody has ever called him out on any of this. They'd sooner walk on eggshells around him rather than communicate and give him the opportunity to sort his behaviour out.

Of course, there's every chance he'd continue to be an arse. These kinds of men normally do. But he's probably complete oblivious to anyone even having a problem with him.

I'm another who's more alarmed by the stuff about policing DILs clothes than anything else. What exactly does it entail? If it's just him saying to you he wishes X would cover up a bit so he doesn't feel like he has to avert his gaze every time they bend over that's one thing, but if he makes negative comments to her, that would be a very big problem.

That aside, being set in his ways can be worked around. I'd look to make some changes for yourself rather than do anything too drastic at this point. Nothing to stop you travelling more by yourself or with other family/friends, for example. It sounds like there's enough money, with that in mind I'd see about booking myself a few days in London maybe every 3 months?

you should do it