Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

This seems like a good option if you're only now considering how differently you'd like to live life.

I'm in my fifties and can see that many men seem to be happy to potter around at home when they retire, whilst women want to widen their world and friendships. Whilst I have a DH who is happy to do a lot of different things now, it's me who plans and instigates, so I'm making sure our final house move is in a vibrant enough place, with public transport options so I can be independent. Id hate to be one of those older couples (like my in-laws) who only do things together.

If you have grown up children in London, I'm surprised this is the first time you've ventured there alone. It's great that you are now recognising your needs and wants. How far do you live from your DC in London? Can you get there easily every other weekend? Do you have friends where you lived now that you see without your dh?

Try baby steps. Establish what YOU need and want.

I don’t understand why you can’t listen to music your husband doesn’t like by yourself? Can you not put your earphones in or listen in another room?

Why can’t you go away on holidays like the one
you’ve just been on with friends? Why can’t your
husband go to bed earlier than you?

I must be naive due to age.

At his age, I’m not surprised he things music your 29 year old listens to it “awful” tbh. Just go ahead and listen to it if you like it? He doesn’t have to.

You dear, have married a curmudgeon. Comisserations

He could be autistic. Can't you do your own spontaneity and leave him alone with the security of his routines.

OP forgive me if this is a repetition but can you start with a small thing or things rather than a complete revolution? Find an evening class? Play the music you want from time to time, dance round the kitchen and ignore the grumbles? Join a chess club? Pull your husband up if he starts ranting about short skirts. Not all at once but building a new life, brick by brick?
I’ve recently split from a very long term relationship and one of the small joys is losing the routines (his, not mine) so I don’t end up watching the same programmes every night/week. Shake your husband up and see if there’s a glimpse of the man you married.

This is why I have been going on solo holidays for 25 years despite being married. (We also go together but I have certain hobbies DH doesnt share). Never build your life around one person.

And, in any case, if he is ND then it can't be cured and the OP is still left with his behaviour.

The more I've read of this thread my advice would be for the OP to just do things on her own or with friends (I do, DH and I do lots separately and a few things together) if actual day to day living with her husband is OK but seriously take him to task about commenting negatively on what your son's girlfriend is wearing.

I completely agree with you.
I got very confused reading some of the posts.

Absolutely. Life is too short to not do the things you love.

I think you should consider a short term rental in London to begin with.

It’s a big and quite drastic step to sell up and buy a flat on the strength of a 6 day holiday. London as a visitor is very different from London as a permanent resident. I know many people who have left so they can enjoy a quieter, less hectic and expensive life after living what probably sounds like quite a idyllic lifestyle to you: rich cultural life, lots of nice bars, pubs and restaurants on tap etc. It’s a great lifestyle for many reasons but I would caution against diving in headfirst without experiencing day to day living in London first and confirming that you really want to live here.

I don’t want to pour cold water on your plans but just want to point out that it can be a tough place to live, especially if you are looking to establish a new friendship group (people may well have struck up a conversation with you in pubs but this is not indicative of it being easy to make friends here) and you might find it easier to test the waters for a few months and see how you feel. I’m assuming your adult children lead busy lives and will not be able to take you out very often.

He sounds like a control freak. However rather than immediately move to divorce I'd start living the life you want. You don't need to listen to music together, listen to what you want on your own. Book a trip to the theatre or visit a museum on your own or with a friend etc. Invite him to join you but on your terms, I'll stay as long as I like, I'm not sure how long it will take to view this exhibition etc. You sound like you've fallen into his set pattern so now need to establish you own sense of freedom. Only then make life decisions.

But why don't you do those things now, go to the theatre, weekends away, its your life OP why are you taking control and doing those things?

Could you put the idea to him and see how he reacts? Say you'd like to live in London but pop home for time in the country to see him, now and again? It might be the wake up call he needs!

Your revelations about how you see your husband came to you on holiday, where you had space to enjoy yourself a bit more.
It's a leap from that to ending your marriage. You describe the trip as something unusual for the fact of DH not being there. It doesn't sound as if you've done many solo trips.
So maybe that's what you should investigate first.
The disappointment and restricted feeling when you get back to DH might be entirely forgotten if you routinely have some trip away always booked within the next few weeks/months.
The stuff you describe as not working for you may not be criticisms of him per se, they may just be facets of a mundane home life where you are way too invested in each other's time. The things you describe on Holiday-freedom to go off and eat wherever, freedom to stop in and do board games, etc... these are not the same freedoms you get from living alone, and moving closer to your kids does not mean that in their normal day to day life they will be up for spontaneous eat outs and social games at each other's homes all the time .

I'd take your revelations seriously by developing myself into someone more adventurous FOR myself. It is far wiser to at least look at that first, and it may turn out that yes, your marriage is fizzling out, but in a place where you know better what you want.

Book your next trip away! Without him!

I also agree he could be undiagnosed neurodivergent. And highly agree the comments about your sons girlfriend's clothes choices are needs to be challenged by you.

He gets upset about your son showing affection to his girlfriend? How utterly weird and sad.

I would start by taking some small steps, spend some weekends in London or doing things you like. Talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. Get couples therapy and talk about all this. Then, obviously, leave him if that’s what you really want.

The husband won't even agree to listen to one song! What makes you think he'll agree to down sizing and buying a cottage?!

If a boyfriend's dad tried to tell me what I could or couldn't wear, he'd get told where to go. Where has he got the idea that it's ok for him to do that?!

Life is far too short to live a constrained life with a man like that. Staying together is not more virtuous than splitting up. I don't understand this idea that preserving a relationship is more important than the happiness of the people in it.

I think it is a good thing to analyse and question what you want out of your life and marriage.

It sounds like for too long your H has had things his way and any difference to that accepted way (your sons shows of affection to his GF, the GF's clothes-WTF?- , different music, whatever it is) is automatically disliked. He sounds like a child being faced with new food who turns their head away without even trying it.

He actually sounds exhausting, but like the boiling frog syndrome, you are just used to it.

Time to raise your bar OP and decide whether after so long it is worth you telling him how you feel, what YOU want from your life and marriage, and whether he is willing to meet your wants and needs.

He may be fed up with his own small world and want to change too. You never know.

@Artien I know lots of people have said similar but why wait for a divorce, just do all the fun stuff now. Play the music, start a new hobby, go to the theatre near where you live. Go and stay with your children without him.
Your DH might step up, he might not. Don't make him the excuse for you not having lived.

I live in London and I go to the theatre, museums, art galleries at least twice a week. I am also in a film club, a choir and a book club. I don't run a car, I don't buy expensive clothes and we live in a flat, so that's how we afford it. DH is way less social than me, but he has no problems with me leading my life now DC are grown.

I would not be content with the life you lead and I would be furious if my DH told my DS girlfriend what to wear.

A couple of notes of caution. Living in London is expensive, and a flat there may well cost more than a house elsewhere. Is that really the best destination? Might you be better looking somewhere further out that is, perhaps, convenient for seeing all your children?

Secondly, your lovely week was possibly a result of being with your lovely son. Obviously he's not going to be available all the time, and it tends to be a bit difficult making new friends in big cities.

On the face of it, before taking that risk it's worth having a go at making your own life where you are now.

I admit I prefer organised , routine, knowing what I will be doing

but you need to be compatible or able to be even with inconveniences ( like you should have things your way sometimes)

My parents were like this. My mum was held back from so many opportunities by my Dad's restrictions (likely autistic). She decided to stay but I think regrets a lot because she now has health issues and can't travel now he's dead. I think they ended up more like a carer relationship which was really tough.

Does he object to you going places on your own? Could therr be more balance struck?

As others have suggested, doing fulfilling exciting things for yourself is very possible to do within a marriage - unless your partner is controlling. Examples of things I've done with friends or myself in recent times: day trip to a museum with pals; dinner in town with girlfriends; book club; gig with friend; long weekend abroad w friends. I listen to my own music and podcasts out loud at home (when cooking) and on headphones when walking. I watch the TV progs I like and read my own books. None of this relates to my husband at all, it's my own way of enjoying life. I do plenty with DH too I just don't do everything with him or based on his likes. Try this first, make life less about him. You may actually find a nice balance.