Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

Finding that life in your world has become gradually smaller is not unusual. Your world though seems to be hugely different. Some of the restrictions are being deliberately imposed by your husband. You are being policed in your own home.
It reminds me of an American fundamentalist cult who want to control wives.
It might be that he is unhappy too. Maybe he had dreams of different jobs or more exciting hobbies that he is now too old for. I think that must be explored. Your son may be able to help with that.
Food for thought OP

This 100pc

Life is too short to just sit there and let it all pass by you.
YANBU and honestly I would consider leaving him, start just doing what you want and stay married, or moving to London alone and staying married but just have separate lives.

This
FYI, I was born and brought up in London, spent decades there.
Can be lonely

How have you stayed.
It sounds so controlling and coercive.
To the extent of your childrens partners?
That is so fxxked up.
As your children marry and have children, you won't see them for dust.
Their partners will be allergic and will say no.
Move while you can, while you are well and can future proof a home in london near your children.

Old age will be horrifyingly lonely and empty.
Get legal advice.
Get your paperwork together.
Leave him to his controlling everything.

I actually am speechless that your son is telling you about his discomfort over his fathers behaviour towards his girlfriend.

You sound like several women I know who would make different choices if they were back in their 50's.

But at least they live in an urban setting, are surrounded by friends and family, go out every day, lunch multiple times a week with friends, holidays without their husbands.

That was the condition of them staying married.
Ruthlessly living a very very independent life of them and their miserable grumpy personalities.

Don't leave it too late.
He will never change.

Oh an men like this hate the noisy chaos of grandchildren.

My friends husband complained only once years ago and she set up completely separated sitting room for her children to visit.
She told him he wasn't welcome in there.
He never complained again.
She kept her cosy sitting and has her book club friends over.

I'm sceptical you even in live in London.

You can live in it your whole and life and be oblivious to realities of different areas.

He does sound like an absolute misery OP- is he depressed?
I would 💯 start with getting out and about without him more.

I ended up in a relationship like this, it was wonderful to start, but after we started to live together, I felt totally stifled by his limit to what he would enjoy or not. It got to the point where I preferred to spend alone so I could just enjoy things in the way that I liked. I loved him with all my heart but the relationship ended because of this.

It’s worth having a tough conversation before leaving. Give him a chance to change. Have it a few times, don’t let him win or put confusion and smoke around you: you can say ‘you are very rigid and difficult to live with, I don’t want this anymore’ you are allowed to say that.

Really tough one OP, I feel for you.
I think, in long term relationships we all feel like this from time to time. There are times when the relationship ebbs and flows and we can feel close and then not so close.
The question is whether you still love your husband and would rather be with him than not. If the answer is no then you should sit down, talk to him and give him the opportunity to change, sorry OP but after 30 years together you owe him that.
If he really cannot change then only you know if you would be happier in life without him x

Do it. Do you want to waste the rest of your life with someone who holds you back from enjoying life the way you want to? You've raised your children together, now's the time to live life for YOU.

I think with anything such an impactful nature, you should first speak to your husband about the seriousness of what you are considering and why. I would not be wishy washy about this out of embarrassment or not wishing to hurt his feelings – I think both he deserves to know and you deserve to be heard.

I do think he is owed a) and explanation and b) at least the opportunity to try to meet you at the table again. If he is willing, then he's unlikely to make any huge changes or a huge number of changes – but you should at least be able to tell if change is occurring and if it's positive.

I would also suggest a therapist for this sort of guidance – both for you and for you to see together. It has a lot of potential for disaster if not handled correctly for someone impartial to guide the process, whatever that looks like.

I am sorry to read this...
what was he like all these 32 years?
He literally looks at his DIL and comments on how short their skirt is?

I'd make a concerted effort to fix an otherwise good marriage before walking away. The single life can be lonely and lacking support, as well as free. But equally you can't stay in a life where you are completely stifled. I think it's time to have some deep conversations about what you each want from life, and see whether there's a compromise, or whether these things are too different. He doesn't get to have his way just by default.

"So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”."

I would start The Conversation with your husband before leaping to divorce. You need to express your unhappiness at how rigid your shared life has become, and how this is not the life you want.

"I do love him, however I’m unsure if I love the man he is now or if I’m still in love with the man I met almost 40 years ago. I don’t think he was always this highly strung, I think with age, moving somewhere rural and the many years of life dictated by the children’s schedules has made him very happy with very little and very hesitant to expand his horizons.
When we met he was much more fun and open to new experiences."

There's your starting point. That you love him, but you don't love where you have ended up, with horizons so small you can't even listen to new music or do anything spontaneously. Give him the chance to try to be less rigid. If he insists on keeping all the self-imposed constraints in place, then I would consider divorce.

You get one life. Sounds like you still have a lot of living to do. Get out there and have fun! If there aren’t massive financial barriers for you then I say go for it.

I left last year after being with H for 46 years. I really couldn't face my last twenty living the same life, especially after he retired and I would be with him 24/7. I will say it's utterly lovely being free. Peaceful, calming but most of all it's clean and tidy😉

Can YOU see yourself continuing to live your life his way until either of you die, or do you want to live your life your way for the last twenty years? Don't forget you will never escape his gaze and control once he's retired. Does that thought scare you? It scared me.

I can see why you’d find it difficult to make friends. 😄

Depends what you mean. There are areas of London I’ve never been.

But inner London - the friends of mine who’ve moved here got to know their way round quite quickly. Incomers have more reason to go and visit different areas which no-one who lives here does.

Not unreasonable at all. I hate to bring this up because it often seems to be a default response might he be neurodiverse? He certainly sounds it.
You only get one life..Why spend it being stifled like this? Yes, the grass isn't greener but it doesn't sound very pleasant on your side of the fence.

😂

I’ve worked as a guide specialising in East London and city of London tours. Customers were overwhelmingly tourists and I personally think it’s highly unlikely OP would strike up friendships with Londoners doing this kind of activity.

Locally based historical societies tend to be based in areas that skew towards older affluent people (Hampstead, Dulwich, Highgate) who are already in firmly entrenched friendship groups, have know each other for decades and there are lots of cliques. Good luck to the OP trying to join in there.

All these friends you’ve made through the V&A, RA - are they truly friends or nice acquaintances?

I’m not saying OP cannot make friends in London and I agree, to a certain extent if you have a ‘get up and go’ personality and enjoy going out you can meet friendly, perfectly pleasant people. But I just don’t think the kind of deep friendship I suspect OP would be seeking is easy to establish when you are new to London, not working or in a situation where you have a ready made group of people to socialise with.

we’re V&A & RA Friends - made friends in the members café; met friends through the local society for our area; through the local literary festival, the local music festival etc. None are tourists

You keep saying "we've" made friends - so presumably you and your partner making friends with other couples? If the OP left her husband she would be alone trying to make friends, and sadly, in my experience couples dont tend to want to make friends with women on their own who have just left their husbands.

I’m not talking about those kind of tours.

I’m amused to be told that everyone in certain areas of London are already in cliques. That’s a very MN idea of life.

I’ve got numerous single friends divorced, widowed, not interested, between relationships etc.

As I said earlier a newly widowed friend of mine has moved near me and thrown herself into exactly the type of activities I suggested. She’s got a mixture of married and single friends.

Ime single people of OP’s age tend to gravitate towards each other and certain activities - so OP should be able to meet other like-minded divorced or widowed ladies. And men too.

I think you need to have a good long talk with your DH. You could even say it is making you very sad he is not spontaneous. I wonder if he is able to meet you in the middle somewhere. I can understand a lot of what you say. I have a friend who is very similar and we go on holiday with him from time to time and he plans in detail what we are going to but now and then I say Ok now we are going to have a day where we don't follow any plans and any cafe visits or restaurant visits are decided last minute. This has worked for DH and myself for years. DH always chooses great places especially as he used to be a chef. Reluctantly our friend goes along with our ideas as I reckon it is good to have changes. I have even told him people laugh about him which they do. I call him "Our own travel Agent" .DH and I often have holidays on our own which we always enjoy and I even say to our friend an unplanned holiday does work. He agrees with me but will then say he prefers his way really. I make the most of the situation when the place has closed down when we get there. Usually there are places nearby and make a point of saying DH could you choose as it always work out and then I just smile especially when we all agree the meal ,snack or even just a drink works out well. I do believe it is up to you if you agree to split up or not. I am on my second marriage myself as I used to be married to a man who had a lot of MH issues ,ironically he is now a nurse in mental health. When friends got told he would be in a MH hospital I was asked Ah so they found a place for him and I realised that people thought he would be an in patient .I had a few years on my own but I do prefer living with my lovely DH .It can be lonely being on your own. I knew I would only have another relationship with a man who was wonderful and we started out as friends at first and then realised we make a great couple.