Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

I'd try much more self assertion and also getting out and living a life away from your husband in smaller ways (doing things you like/joining groups/visiting your children) before actually leaving him. I would also explain to your husband how you feel and suggest couples counselling. That way, it might shake things up a bit and even if you did end up leaving, you'd know you'd made every effort.

Would it be worth talking to your husband about how you're feeling, maybe see if he'd agree to couples counselling? YANBU at all to want things to change, but maybe if your husband realised his behaviour could lead to losing you he might be open to changes?

I think you have done incredibly well to live with someone so insufferable for 32yrs . This last chapter of your life should be for your wants and needs not pandering to someone who actually sounds stifling . You say you would go ‘ alone ‘ to theatres etc but that’s if you want to . There are some fabulous women’s social groups now where you would make new friends and rediscover yourself . Good luck , if it’s what you really want it can only be a positive .

Divorcing because your eyes have been opened to new experiences seems a bit ... nuclear.

I'm not saying that would be wrong thing, it might end up being the right thing, but I think you need more time to think this through and explore how it would work - living side by side but with you doing the things you enjoy while he does his own thing. If that doesn't work then you could revisit the idea of separation.

Anyway that was my reaction until I got to the bit about your husband "getting upset" if your son and GF hold hands and policing what she wears!?! What on earth has that got to do with him? He sounds unbearable to me.

Yes there’s definitely an initial middle ground! Take some trips, work remotely in an Airbnb somewhere like Edinburgh for a week and explore. You can dip your toe before committing to divorce

So many posts trying to persuade OP to stay. It's horrendous to live like this @Artien . It's his way or the highway 24/7. It's disgusting that your H tries to control what your son's partner wears. The problem is that people like your husband become used to saying no and vetoing other people's lives. It then becomes control and abuse. If you're done, you're done. If you know it's over, initiate separation. If you're unsure, start living life for yourself and start ignoring all of your H's stipulations. Also please consider individual therapy and do not get drawn into 'aww the poor husband has ASD'. It's irrelevant. No one should dictate other people's lives.

I think this week away has shown you that something needs to change.

Divorce is quite a big deal!

Firstly, holidays are supposed to be more than everyday life but this experience has shown you that there can be more to everyday life than you currently have.

Secondly, all those thing you did are pretty standard life things so there's no reason why you couldn't be doing them in your every day life even if your husband doesn't want to join you.

Thirdly, I agree with a pp that those things can become pretty mundane, boring and soulless - eg chatting to strangers in pubs can be fun and unexpected but it can also be superficial and unfulfilling!

So, I wouldn't jump straight to leaving. You are responsible.for your own happiness in life and you have also allowed this to happen and sleepwalked into this situation in reality.

That's not to say you should stay with him for the rest of your days but I would have conversation with him about your needs not being met currently, go.and do some of these things for yourself either alone or with friends and give yourself a period of time before making any final/big decisions.

Give yourself a time frame and, if you still feel this way in, say, 6 months, revisit the decision then.

Why can’t you have both?

Of course in the family homes things will have to be compromised on but you can still have your own independence - friends, hobbies, holidays etc separate to your DH.

I could never live to someone else’s way of life. I am way too independent and free spirited and so the thought of someone like you not being able to be themselves in their own home is really sad but realistically you don’t have any experience of being by yourself and I think it’s a massive leap to go from where you are now to completely single.

I would spend the next 6 months doing the things you want but staying in your marriage.
If in 6 months time you still want to leave then do.
It will also give you time to think about your career and whether it’s sustainable etc and create a friendship group and support system.

Why not spend a bit of time building the kind of life you might want. Go to a class book a worship go for a weekend away. Don’t let his need for routine control you. If you want to play some new music then play it. You sound a bit conditioned to obey his unreasonable behaviour. It might be the first step to divorce or it might be enough to rediscover your identity within the relationship

I’d probably be feeling cooped up if I were in your position, OP. Just wanted to offer up a different perspective.

I’m reminded of Nicolai Tesla. He was clearly autistic and lived by a really strict daily routine. Yet, he contributed so much to the world.

While your husband is nowhere near as self-restricted as Tesla, it may be worth balancing your concerns with some reflections on the good things about your husband, if there are any? I also recommend some counselling.

Can you not just be a bit more flexible on your own? You're not joined at the hip, use some savings to go to London once a month, maybe mid week to make it cheaper. Go with a friend if you can.

Maybe a spare bedroom could become your room, decorate it however your want, go there to listen to music. Stay up later than him. Invite friends round for a game.

If you're worried about time with him and he likes routine, have a few nights each week as either date night or just doing his thing, going to bed together etc.

I'd try to change without jumping straight to divorce. He may come with you, you may both settle happily into be patterns.or one or both of you will feel it's no longer working, but at least give it a try.

He sounds controlling. It’s not unreasonable for you to have a life aswell!!! You could suggest counselling and see if it helps. You could also go away more without him! X

Life is too short to be unhappily married for the sake of being married.

Can you imagine spending the next 30 or so years like this? Or does the idea of change grip you with excitement? You could love your life. Life is too short to waste with miserable people. Go grab it with Both hands! London is great and you could meet someone who brightens your day, not dim your light.

Why don't you just tell him how unhappy you are and that you want to sell the house and move to London. If you were living in London, you could have a great time and be spontaneous with getting out and about and he could stay home and be in a rigid routine.

Another think to consider is you moving g closer to your children doesn't forcibly mean they will have the time, energy and inclination to spend more time with you on a regular basis.

Making friends at an older age can be much harder. Pubs in London are very different to those in a nice country town.

Also tou say you have savings. They are not your savings, they are savings of the marriage. He is entitled to 50% of it.

He sounds controlling
Yet he had no issue with OP going away for a week without him. Not the behaviour of a controlling person.

I was going to suggest something like this as an alternative. Can you live as companions but just do your own thing? If you can easily leave, though, do that.

Wow - please don’t psss this on to your children. Set your bar higher.

I agree with the pp who are saying that it doesn’t have to be divorce or live the same way forever.

I’d start by playing the music I want, when I want. If he dislikes it, that’s fine, he’s welcome to dislike it.

Id also say something every time he comments on DS’s girlfriend’s clothes. So, if he says he doesn’t like short shorts then you can say back to him “lucky she isn’t trying to force you to wear them then”.

Id book a couple of weeks in London in an Airbnb. Go and see your kids, hang out with them, go to the theatre etc. If you enjoy it, book again for the following month.

Basically, live your life how you want to, and let DH live his how he wants to and see how that goes. Before you think about separation or divorce.

I saw this on FB recently.

I can't comment on your decision and your life, but the grass isn't always greener and you may be swapping what you currently have for a different set of issues.

I think a very honest conversation about moving to a location with a bit of life about it would be a great start. I live in a town of 80k people, but there's something going on every night and weekend. It's always buzzing with life. London might feel too different to OH than where you are now.

All the best with this.

How do you know?

My dmum has a sort of cohabiting arrangement with my step dad. They decided not to split up but have separate bedrooms and separate hobbies and interests. They eat usually 1 meal a day together and get on fairly well as sort of housemates. If Im honest I was pretty against the arrangements at the start but it does work well for them, and if one is ill or whatever the other does help out. And now that they re much older I'm kind of glad really.
Could this sort of thing work for you? You could establish a bit of the life you want to lead without having to divorce immediately if nothing else

Completely agree with this

He tries to police what his son’s girlfriend wears? How does that manifest itself?