Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

The DH sounds like a suffocating and unpleasant man. Why the fuck would you feel the need to suggest he may have ASD??? If you don't understand the condition, don't make assumptions.

I once went away with friends and realised I had more fun than I would have if I had been gone with my boyfriend at the time. I split with him, and haven't looked back. You only have one precious life.

Could you stay together as a couple, but live apart?

When you have children you have to plan more.

Now my DC are adults my DH and I are very spontaneous with travel and itinerary. We leave everything til last minute and see how we feel. Even on the day sometimes we change plans. We are just back from a 4 week holiday which extended to 6 because we felt like visiting somewhere on our way home.

I can’t live a stifled life but neither can my DH. I can’t imagine being married to someone who can’t adapt easily to a change of plans.

After 30 plus years I think before you go to divorce do some solo trips to your liking. Book an Airbnb in London for a month. See how it goes.

I think once you have reached the realisation you have there is pretty much no way back. There is absolutely nothing wrong in acknowledging that you have grown apart and separating. I do not subscribe to the view that you stay married just because X number of years ago you made a promise to someone that you would. People change. Some couples grow together, some don't.

I am in the process of separating from my husband. Lots of reasons but some similar to what you have said. I got to 50 and just realised I really didn't want to live the rest of my life so compromised and dictated to by someone else. Life is short.

Is life at home intolerable in itself or is it that you need more excitement overall? Would it be viable to spend a few nights every month in London to see your kids more and do some fun stuff? And you could start a hobby too, get out more, make friends, go traveling etc.

From what you’ve described, in your position I wouldn’t jump straight to divorce but start by shifting the focus and doing more of what you love without worrying about him.

Honestly, never never accept the mediocre, or think it's your lot, or the best you can get. Life, excitement and fulfillment lie beyond the grey front door. Carpe diem, and all that 👍

Your husband doesn’t want to change. You can accept him as he is and look outside of your marriage for fun and spontaneity (friends, hobbies, trips away from him), or you can leave.

Could you reintroduce some spontaneity e.g. once a month you take him on a day out that you plan and he comes along? Just give him a taste of what you'd like more of?

So aggressive. What for?

Don't spring this suddenly on him.
Change first, start going out and living your ideal life while still at home, let him start grumbling, let conflict start!
If you up amd leave now, even your kids will think you rushed.
Do everything you want now without leaving your marriage, you may find that your husband either changes with you or even initiates the separation, win win.

He sounds dreadful. Who does te think he is policing other people’s clothes or behaviour? He also sounds really really boring.

It’s no way for you to live. You clearly want different things in life. I’d leave. You sound unhappy. Everything revolves around him and his preference. Your life matters.

Your mIve to be nearer your children is a great idea - perhaps H will get a new lease of life and go too? Do what will make you happy.

You could have both.

Downsize the family home to a small cottage and buy a place in London. Tell him you intend to start living your life. Go on holiday with friends, spend long stretches in London with dc, start booking adventure holidays and he either comes or he doesn’t. You don’t need to divorce to start making choices, and have freedom. You can do that all of this now.

You have security, stability and safety in your marriage. I wouldn’t necessarily throw that away after one carefree holiday, but I would transform my life so spontaneity and fun exist again.

I think what you describe worked well for many years whilst raising dc but doesn’t feed your soul, and we all get stuck in a rut - this holiday has opened up so many possibilities, so grab them now op. There is nothing stopping you now. Live a full and happy life.

Bear in mind if you love him that there are compromises that can be made - you don’t have to spend all your time with him! Do you have local friends you can spend occasional weekends and evenings with? Everyone needs to be apart from their partner occasionally (or often!), eg days where you can listen to your music while going for a walk, seeing plays or concerts with friends that your over half doesn’t want to do, going for holidays to London alone?

I know lots of retired couples who love each other but spend tome apart.

OP, I'm about your age and I honestly couldn't live like that. I'm not the most sociable person on the planet but I'm out meeting new people or going new places every month. Living like you do would drive me to violence.

However, you've been married a long time. You should at least have a conversation. Explain how you feel. that his routine is starting to feel like a prison. That variety is the spice etc.

Can you start doing more things locally and see if he joins in? Go to London more often, without him. If you are less available would he be more likely to venture out. If he refuses to change, you will have at least tried to resolve it.

Oh, god, can you imagine moving to your new life of joyful exploration, unpacking carefully-chosen belongings of loveliness in your low-stress urban retreat, opening a well-deserved bottle of wine, putting your feet up ... and Victor Meldrew's gloomier brother shows up with his suitcases and a pained expression?!

Some older couples quietly go and live separate lives without actually divorcing. Dh friends parents did this. She loved the city he craved the sea. They were wealthy he moved out to a coastal town. She visited regularly but stayed in London near friends culture and adult kids/gc. Queen and Prince Philip did this too.

The drivers for actual divorce lessen as you get older if neither want a new relationship and there’s not animosity just your views diverge and you are older so time becomes more precious.

I wonder if your son knows the impact on you and thought time away to talk about it and give you different experiences would help?

This man is not going to accept change of any kind. He’s had his family tiptoeing round his bullying self for decades. Why would he change that?

I think you have to have a conversation with him.

“I realised whilst I was away that the way our lives have become is absolutely not how I am going to live out my days. I loved being free and spontaneous. What do you think?”

When he says the music is awful, what do you do? I would say “well I like it” and continue.
I think you need to tell him how sad and restrictive his life has become.start branching out. Start doing more of what you want.
have a conversation with him.
or leave if you want to.

For me, the key factor is whether he is stopping you from doing what you want.

I'm really not a fan of people expecting their partners to be the source of their fulfillment/joy/happiness - hopefully your partner enhances that, but you should be the source of meaning/happiness in your own life.

So, after all those years, it wouldn't overly matter to me if my partner had become (like many many older people) stuck in their ways... as long as those ways didn't limit my own ability to go and live my life, see my kids, visit places etc. That I'd be doing them on my own doesn't matter, because if we split up, I'd be doing it on my own anyway.

But, if they started to stop me, and hinder my ability to do this.. that is a red line.

The other option, if you can live with him, is to stay together but you introduce spontaneity into your own life and more things you want to do, the way you want to do them.

Yes, the grass can be greener OP. I've left a 25 year relationship where DP was happy for our lives to shrink smaller and smaller. I put so much effort into tip toeing around his moods and anxieties. Yes, i've had to downgrade elements of my lifestyle. But now, everyday i wake up peaceful and calm, i'm no longer pushing and pulling myself out of shape. Bliss! I thank God that I jumped. It was definitely the right decision.