Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

Sometimes it's only when our eyes are fully opened to a situation that we realise how bad it is. Believe me OP, life can be short. My DH died from cancer last year - he was 59 - so old age is not a right guaranteed to us. Now that you've seen how interesting and fun life can be, grab it with both hands whilst you're still young enough to make the move and enjoy it. You sound like an outgoing person who would make friends easily, so this could be a whole new chapter for you.

He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub.

This sounds like undiagnosed neurodivergence.

The detail about your son saying his Dad "tries to police" what his girlfriend is wearing is more disturbing than just a lack of spontaneity....

Does this mean he speaks disapprovingly to your son about her clothes or to the girlfriend herself?

OMG the idea of a little flat, with balcony or garden in a nice bit of London sounds bliss for retirement, I hadn’t realised until now that I would like that very much. One life OP, I say go for it.

Do a lot of research and be very careful where in London you live, sounds idyllic but can be loud at night and parking nightmare etc. try to maintain local friendships, could you afford a decent spare room? Invite current friends to the theatre?

if you still love your DH could you afford a second home? A little place in London or on the coast? Share time between the two and not get divorced?

I agree with this response 100%

You only live once. If you can live how you want with him and still love him, then fine continue, but if not then consider you get one life, one go round and you don't owe anybody your time on earth.

Because it would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Jumping straight from having a spontaneous week to deciding that your marriage is awful and needs to end is a little dramatic.

They don't have to do everything together all of the time. They both need their own friends, hobbies and interests but as you get older, ending an otherwise solid marriage to someone who is reliable but dull, becomes a high risk approach to life. She can still do all the things she wants to do, with friends. And sometimes, all it takes is one person changing the dynamic for the other to sit up and notice and start thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all to get onboard with it.

Have a conversation with your DH and spell out your thoughts and the need for some changes in your routine and life? While you paint a depressing picture I don't quite get the 'divorce him' responses without so much as a chat!

Are you both retired yet OP? If not, I wonder how he 'sees' retirement. This could really be the turning point.

You have had your entire life to enjoy and participate in art, culture and music. You have been as blinkered as your husband. Don't blame him for your dull life (and you do know that restaurants do need to be pre-booked and your wistful desire for spontanaeity may result in you being turned away?)

You might find he enjoys opera and classical music, provided you don't foist it upon him. If not, go on your own. You will find that very few spouses share musical or artistic tastes, but manage perfectly well.

However, I would on a side note, be very likely to ditch my husband if he made negative comments about short skirts and crop tops. That would give me the rage and the ick.

People on here will encourage you to leave. Ignore that as speaking from experience it causes untold personal trauma. The best thing to do is stay but take steps to live your life as you would like to. It’s easy to forget what you have - the security of a relationship. In this world it affords you with a lot of protection, company n support which you won’t realise is gone until you are on your own. We live in a patriarchy which makes things much more difficult for women on their own.

It sounds like some more thought may need to go into this if this is a very recent thought, but he does sound like a very tricky character to live with so I wouldn't be surprised if you do end up leaving him. I think for me the fact that even your kids prefer to see you without him and that he judges your son's girlfriend on her appearance makes it a much easier decision. Knowing that your children prefer not to see him probably means that you will also miss out on time with them if you stay with their dad as his behaviour will only get worse and they will start to avoid him, especially if they end up having kids. I left my children's dad for similar reasons (+ more), our kids didn't want to spend time with him and I much preferred to spend time with them over him.

Museums, trips to the pub, chatting to strangers etc can all enrich your life undoubtedly. But depending on your personality, you may also find it a bit lonely once the novelty wears off
I’m not suggesting you revert back to how you were living before but I do think it’s a more complex decision than it may initially appear

I also agree with this- its like going on holiday for a week and wanting to jack in your job and move there forgetting that when you live there it wont be like your holiday at all, it will be like normal working life etc

That doesnt mean you have to put up with misery guts now or forever though. Also, what is it with men becoming grumpy old farts when they age?- I've noticed this phenomenon many, many times.

I would talk to him and see if he will compromise because at least then you have tried. If he wont, then start planning a separate life/split but know that staying is hard and leaving will be hard. People implying that your life will be a wonderful idyllic social merry-go-round when you are living alone in a city like London are not being totally honest with you. The downsides are that it can be quite lonely if you dont have a strong social network and that will take time and effort to build.

I would start with just doing more things by yourself?

And I think if I was around my PIL when I was young I definitely wouldn't have worn tiny shorts and mini skirts and crop tops so I sort of get where you DH is coming from there. There's a time and a place!

I feel now you’d seen what you’re missing out on, you’re not just going to forget about it, so you need to have a conversation around what you want / need. Then come up with a plan about what you want to change (at a minimum, listening to new music, going to a new place once a week, whatever) and see if he can embrace it or at least try to…

I don’t quite understand why you haven’t considered both moving to be closer to family if that’s a big draw for you.

And this sounds like unwarranted and unwanted amateur diagnosis. What difference does a label make?

That's just your experience, and not everybody's. You can't tell OP to ignore all the people who don't think like you. She wants people's opinions and thoughts, not just yours, otherwise she would have sent you a dm.

Staying is definitely not always the best thing, it wasn't for me.

I think you need to live your life and take responsibility for it. There is no need to divorce your husband just go and start living the life you are talking about and see what happens over the next year or two.

you may both become
more incompatible as you go out and about and he stays at home or he may start making small changes and your relationship may improve , or something else completely unexpected may happen.

You have had your entire life to enjoy and participate in art, culture and music. You have been as blinkered as your husband. Don't blame him for your dull life (and you do know that restaurants do need to be pre-booked and your wistful desire for spontanaeity may result in you being turned away?)

I agree with this.

You can have a rich and varied life without needing to leave your husband. There's no requirement to be joined at the hip. But it does make sense to book restaurants in advance!

Surly your first step is being more spontaneous with your own life? If you have a free weekend, plan something to do. You can suggest he comes along, but make it clear if he doesn't want to you are going anyway. He might just need a nudge. Suggest a holiday for next year that you have never done. He can come, or not? See what he says. I don't think making comments about your sons partner is ok though - if that happens again I would speak to him about it. Hope it works out for you!

You have had your entire life to enjoy and participate in art, culture and music. You have been as blinkered as your husband. Don't blame him for your dull life (and you do know that restaurants do need to be pre-booked and your wistful desire for spontanaeity may result in you being turned away?)

I also agree with this. If these things were important to you, why have you never done them in 34 years? I am not suggesting you should stay with him btw, if you are unhappy with him, then leave.

However, we do need to take some responsibility for our own lives and our own fulfilment. If your life isnt the one you want then thats mostly on you for not creating it.

I also agree with PP that living alone in London isnt going to be the fantasy you think it is. Good luck with whatever you decide.

How do you know?
Going by what the OP posted....like everyone else, including those who are labelling him as controlling.

Goodness me, isn't marriage a lifelong covenant, in sickness and in health, and so on? Surely, when you realise you are unhappy, your first thought should be how to fix it, not what else might be better out there for you. It's a sad state of the world when marriage is so easily discarded and not regarded as sacred.

Your husband is stifling you, but you haven't seen him as abusive previously and you have had a long marriage.

Is there some less drastic way you can see of gaining some of the spontenaity, fun and connections with your DC that you want without exploding your home life?

You have had this wonderful week away. Can you do "more of that" - plan some more visits to your children, book an airbnb or hotel in London if they don't have space for you, work remotely from there around your p/t job and so it is clear you are not expecting them to take leave to entertain you. Find hobbies amd connections locally with people you can go to the pub with, to galleries with. Plan some holidays with a mix of scheduled itinerary and downtime.

Think deeply about what it was this week gave to you and figure out how to incorporate that into your life.

I would be reluctant to advise you to sell your house and move to where your DC live as they will have their own busy lives there. In the medium and long term living there may not be the same deeply connected experience you had on holiday.

Trust me, there are many people living like this, especially now with the housing and cost of living crisis