Lovely week away, now I’m questioning my marriage

[Artien]

I have been married to my husband for 32 years, we have 3 children, 2 daughters who are 31 and 27 and a son who is 29.
This week my lovely son and his girlfriend took me away for 6 nights, my husband was invited but didn’t want to join as it would be a lot of time in a car.
I’ve had the mostly lovely time, we went to some museums, had wonderful meals, spoke to new people in pubs, spent one night in an Airbnb just playing chess. There was no plan, just a hotel or Airbnb booked for each night and the freedom to do what we wished in the day. My husband would never have a holiday like this, he is very highly strung and only getting more so with age, he needs everything to have a plan with a departure time, restaurants pre-booked, there is just no spontaneity. He also is very particular about being asleep by a set time, he doesn’t like listening to any music he doesn’t like and as he won’t listen to anything new we listen to the same songs on repeat over and over. He’d never be comfortable just chatting to someone in a pub. My son also commented he was quite glad his dad wasn’t there as whenever he’s around he gets upset if he holds his girlfriend’s hand or displays any affection. He also mentioned it makes him feel odd how much his dad tries to police what his girlfriend wears (my husband hates crop tops, short shorts, short skirts etc.)

Now I am home, and as always it’s straight back to routine. I suggested I play him some of the new music my son introduced me to and my husband grumbled and didn’t even let the first song finish before declaring it “awful”. I didn’t think I was unhappy in my marriage but now I am realising how stifling it is to have to live without any spontaneity, the same routine on constant repeat always. I could try to talk to him but I know he would just grumble and make any attempt at changing the routine so miserable it wouldn’t be worth doing.

So in light of all this am I being unreasonable to be questioning my marriage? All I can think right now is if we divorced I could move to London where all my children live and have a much freer life, make new friends, go to museums/the theatre alone without having to pre-book everything and create an itinerary. I’m also cautious though that this may just be a case of “the grass isn’t always greener”.

That does sound really suffocating, but that being the case, why have you stayed for so long if you were so unhappy? If it was me, I'd be out of that marriage so fast, especially because you know he's never going to accept any changes, no matter how small. Can you live another 20+ years and not be completely worn down by it all?

You only live once OP. Is this really how you want to have lived your life. I couldn’t.

Leave, be happy, your husband sounds like he has mental health issues or ASD, but regardless of that you are clearly incompatible and he’s not making you happy.

Could you afford to leave and move to London?

I think after 30+ years of it, I have almost got used to it. Admittedly when the children were small and we were both working full time having a routine made a lot of sense, however it’s been almost 10 years since we last had our youngest living at home full time and we just never loosened up. I don’t know if I even fully noticed how predictable our life had become until I got a break from the monotony.

Do you love your husband? Are you in love with him? What are his good points? Why did you marry him 30 years ago? There must be some good qualities?
You don’t mention anything positive about him in your post, so it sounds like you have already checked out of the marriage in your mind.
Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side! Follow your heart.

Could you afford to?
I’m happily married and usually believe that marriages, at least once there are children, should be sustained bar abuse. But your lovely week sounds so normal, you’re not asking for the moon.

In this case, @Artien, the grass is a lush, green sward. Pack a picnic.

You can't live your life in someone else's shadow. He is in his comfort zone. You are not. You need more. Your needs are just as important as his.

If we sold the family home which is now mortgage free and split the money I’d be able to afford a flat in London, I am still working part time but this is mostly remote now so I would be able to continue that. I have always been paying into my own pension and have healthy personal savings so I wouldn’t be too worried about retirement either.

Who's got the bigger pension, him or you? By much, or are they roughly equal?

I do love him, however I’m unsure if I love the man he is now or if I’m still in love with the man I met almost 40 years ago. I don’t think he was always this highly strung, I think with age, moving somewhere rural and the many years of life dictated by the children’s schedules has made him very happy with very little and very hesitant to expand his horizons.
When we met he was much more fun and open to new experiences.

About equal, I was the higher earner for many years but he didn’t take any time out for the children, we are both part time now, so it’s about balanced.

Excellent! So you don't need to worry about him, he'll stay comfortable. Divorce or don't divorce, as long as the house gets sold. Clean break.

Go live your best life, as the instagrammers say!

Either divorce and leave or just start getting out and doing things without him. Maybe begin by booking a solo trip to London for a few days to see how thst feels?

Sorry, I probably sound alarmingly gung-ho. Do discuss this idea with your DC.

Then go do it 🌻

Be bold! Can you say you want to move to London and invite him along? Say you aren’t happy to stay where you are now? It might be the kick up the backside he needs to grow. It isn’t his decision so do what YOU want

You're a long time dead @Artien !@Artien ! It sounds utter soul murder...

This is the time to stop all the ritualised schedules... Let your husband do whatever he wants BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PARTAKE...

do stuff that is spontaneous and fun!

Perhaps go to London with Airbnb and live as if you were having a usual fortnight.... See how it works /how easy you find it to start making pals/working?

I would say there’s possibly an element of the grass appearing to be greener OP.

Museums, trips to the pub, chatting to strangers etc can all enrich your life undoubtedly. But depending on your personality, you may also find it a bit lonely once the novelty wears off.

I’m not suggesting you revert back to how you were living before but I do think it’s a more complex decision than it may initially appear.

Maybe some time apart from your DH is needed before you make a decision. You say there’s no mortgage or savings so could you finance maybe a couple of months in an Air BnB near your children? That would give you and your DH a proper feel for what life would be like apart. Maybe it will be the kick up the bum he needs to consider your needs, maybe you’ll miss him more than you expected, or maybe it will confirm that it’s the right move for you.

Is there no in-between? You don't have to live in each other's pockets, you could travel alone, not go to bed when he does etc? Or is he controlling as well? Before ending it, you could talk about how you feel.

I think you owe him a conversation, but if that doesn’t go well it is totally reasonable of you to want to be able to have your son and gf over without worrying about what she wears or what people talk about or if someone turns on a new song, and to go do something without planning it all in advance. If he can’t try and be more flexible you should tell him you’re not happy pacifying him all the time.

I think this is a massive decision ehich needs to be based on more than one week away. You’d need to be absolutely sure every single aspect of your life would be improved by a split, not just a bit of music and socialising. Those things could be done with a bit more independence anyway. I think you have a rosey picture of what your life would be like without him, look at things beyond that too. My DH and I split 2 yrs ago and it was hard, very hard. We’re currently back together but living apart, working towards a reconciliation. We’re building a new future with new things, our splitting was a shit show with massive trauma for both of us, which we ultimately decided we didn’t want. My DH had depression which was very hard to live with, he has had so much help and has thrown himself into therapy and I see the man I fell in love with coming back. Seeing him thrive again is exciting and I’m glad we’ve put the work into it, rather than divorcing.

good luck.

Get rid of the grumpy old bastard! He can have his boring small little life and you can have your new wonderful one. You've done a life sentence already, you've served your time!

You’d need to be absolutely sure every single aspect of your life would be improved by a split

Hard disagree. Every single aspect? No. All life choices are trade-offs. Personally, I'm in no doubt that I'd sacrifice a bigger house and safe predictability for cultural and social variety, a glum and critical companion for more time with the DC & DGC.

OP's pro/con list will be unique to her, as everybody's is to them. I'm pleased things are working out for you and DH. The choices you've both made are personal and you must be aware you're very unusual.

I don't think you need to jump to immediate separation/divorce. But you also don't need to be joined at the hip to have a happy marriage. There's nothing to stop you saying to him "I absolutely loved this trip and I'd like to do this/that X times per year/month, or a new hobby, and I'd love for you to join but if not then I will do with one of the kids/my friends". I know plenty of people who travel alone because partner isn't interested. Also lots of the time it's the idea they don't like and once they're there, they enjoy it, so he may surprise you.

You deserve more

I think you need to tell him you aren’t happy and you feel suffocated and that life is too strict to routine. In the meantime get out and enjoy yourself by forging new friendships or joining a club etc and going to concerts etc without him if he won’t go. I have to say my husband would be shown the door if he tried to police what either me or one of our family members wear or any sort of controlling behaviour. I also would play your music and drown out his complaints or tell him to go to another room. You have as much right to play what you like. I think you have let him get away with this sort of behaviour for too long. If he kicks back and continues trying to control you then yes I would separate.