Ashamed of the way DS is behaving

[Jensay]

Recently my youngest DD who is 20 convinced me to make an instagram account, I said yes and I’ve had it a couple of weeks. All of my children then voluntarily requested to follow me and accepted my request back, I haven’t forced myself on them. I’ve noticed with my eldest DS who is 29, incredibly intelligent, a solicitor and generally a lovely guy that the posts he makes on instagram make me feel ashamed. It’s mainly the stories feature I have an issue with but for example in the last day he’s posted several from a night out and I’d say his behaviour is unacceptable.
There was one of him and all his friends clearly a bit drunk just being loud and noisy on a train platform, then a clip of his girlfriend doing a cartwheel on the platform, generally the type of behaviour that would make me feel a bit intimidated if I were waiting for a train.
Then on the train, them all being really loud, popping a bottle of champagne, listening to music out loud etc. just no respect for the people around them at all.
Then similar just what I’d call antisocial and disorderly behaviour while they were on their night out.
I am aware he’s an adult and I have no control over his behaviour but I’m quite ashamed to have raised someone behaving like this at 29.
AIBU to feel this way?

Yeah, I would probably be ashamed if I saw my (hypothetical) child being a dick but he's an adult so there is nothing you can do.

He seems a bit clueless and I think behaviour like that might be intimidating for old people or women on their own. It may also provoke a fight at some point. I’d have a gentle word if possible xxx

Yes this is what I was thinking, I’d find the behaviour quite intimidating.
It’s also just unexpected as I I genuinely had no idea this was how DS was behaving on his nights out, it’s like an alter ego and so different to the version of him I know.

I understand where you are coming from but saying something might just lead him to preventing you from watching his "stories" or removing you as a friend entirely. Would you be happy with that? He might just change his behaviour of course but I highly doubt it

It can be an eye opener to see what your child gets up to in their private life and as a non-drinker watching some of that stuff, it would be unfathomable to me. Having said that, when out with a group of professional friends who do drink and get drunk, seeing somebody doing a cartwheel and being lairy and loud with each other rather than strangers feels quite mild compared to a lot of the things I’ve seen over the years, particularly during my time volunteering as a street angel. I once saw my boss squat and pee in an alleyway, plant a kiss on a stranger and lick a table. She was 34 and in a corporate position. What you describe is mild compared to a lot that goes on.

I think nights out and late night trains have social codes all of their own for that generation. To be fair I am fairly sure had I been of an age to record nights out I would now be appalled. If he is generally lovely he is probably still lovely on nights out and adapts to the people around him so he isn’t a huge arse.

I’d been concerned that at 29 he thinks this is acceptable to be shared online. The behaviour itself is one thing, but not recognising how it will be perceived online is just stupid. If I were you, I would say something about the sharing of it if not the behaviour itself.

Social media crepe has turned a generation of us into insufferable, clout-hunting, narcissistic pillocks.

I would point out that what appears on the internet stays forever (potentially), and the kind of caper he keeps evidencing on Instanarcissist will be judged by others and may come back and bite him in the bum.

As a solicitor, he has professional standards to maintain - even in his private life. Remind him of the SRA principles and the fact that he has a code of conduct to follow. A code that Instagram offers no mitigation against.

Depending on your relationship, I think it’s worth saying something but keeping it very light-touch to avoid him being defensive or blocking your access. Something along the lines of, “Glad you’re having a great time with your mates. Just remember though that if you’re very loud it might be a bit intimidating for anyone travelling alone who sees you like that. They won’t know how lovely you are and might feel a bit scared.”

Yeah I would feel embarrassed, difference between being cheerful and merry and a pain in the ass to people around you.

He should also have the common sense to know that employers will check social media these days, so he may be kicking himself in the arse.

especially as a solicitor it may not be good for his career if a client saw it

Hmmm - used to be called Hooray Henrys - I was once on a train to Ascot with a bunch of 'posh' rich young people drinking champagne from the bottle and eating oysters (!) and leaving the shells and bottles everywhere.

They were totally obnoxious, but to be fair I didn't feel intimidated, but just though they were idiotic. Filiming it and putting it online adds to the stupidity,

I’d point this out and advise him to make his social media private. There’s not much you can do to police his behaviour at that age though.

Urgh, I was in a train with the same people but still “during” covid. They took off their masks to pass around the champagne. I was furious!

It is private, he only has 70 or so followers, I assume all people he knows. I had to request to follow him but only did so after he had requested to follow me.

Would he be reasonable if you had a quiet word with him?

I'm going to go against the majority here and say that from what you've described, it doesn't sound too out of place for a group of 20-somethings on a night out.

I wouldn't class a girl doing a cartwheel or people playing music loud as 'intimidating' - What is it about that behavior that intimidates you?

Same goes for a group of friends being a bit loud on a night train. Obviously that changes if they're directly hassling people or doing something that could cause harm.

Personally I'd find the behavior you describe bloody irritating, but again, I think it's to be expected on a late train and if it bothered me that much, I'd move.

I'd probably think a bit less of him if he was behaving like that on a busy train during the day, but certainly not ashamed.

It shows questionable judgment in two respects: firstly, by being drunk and disorderly - which might be overlooked if it is seldom an occurrence -; and secondly, by choosing to evidence such behaviour on social media. That, ladies and gentlemen, is pure muppetry.

As my only grandpa once’s remarked: “It is not what you do in life that matters. It is what you get caught doing.”

That counts tenfold in the age of social media.

Id find that behaviour a bit antisocial but not "intimidating". Just a bit thoughtless.

I'd say its extremely common for young city types in their twenties pre children, simply that most people's mothers aren't seeing this behaviour.

With respect OP, if you have a child aged 29 you must be at least 50 and hence a child of my generation.

And cartwheeling in a train station is extremely mild compared to some of the drunken shenanigans we got up to in the 80s and 90s. Only difference is we weren’t filmed.

I voted yanbu only because you are his mother and seeing our kids in a different light can be embarrassing/shocking!

Was is behaviour the best? Well, no obviously not! But as mn likes to say it was a snap shot.
Most of us will have done things on a night out that we are less than proud of in the cold light of day...I know I definitely have.
You say he was being noisy on the train, annoying, yes but hardly the crime of the century! The other example you gave was his girlfriend doing a cartwheel so not even his behaviour. Is he expected to police her in public too in case she embarrasses you?
I think you either need to learn to laugh along or don't watch stuff on social media about his nights out.

Ach. I’d put that sort of behaviour down to hooray Henrys who are paid too much money and were brought up with skewed values.

Wish I could ever have done a cartwheel. Leave him alone. They aren't hurting anyone. Unfollow.

I think there's a way to address it with him. Rather than making it obvious that you're ashamed of his behaviour, you could say that it surprised you as you haven't seen him act like that before. And whilst he's not doing anything wrong (which from the sounds of it, he isn't really), if you were waiting on that platform it would probably make you feel a bit intimidated. It's quite possible that this hasn't even occurred to him. He may well stop you viewing his stories and maybe that's for the best, but it might also make him think twice next time.

Yeah, I would probably be ashamed if I saw my (hypothetical) child being a dick but he's an adult so there is nothing you can do

That’s not true. If I see/hear my kids doing things that I believe misalign with the values under which they were raised, I’m not backwards in pointing it out. They are adults, and they can do whatever they like with my feedback, but you can absolutely let them know you are shocked/ashamed/appalled and why. I’m baffled people would not do this with their kids!