Ashamed of the way DS is behaving

[Jensay]

Recently my youngest DD who is 20 convinced me to make an instagram account, I said yes and I’ve had it a couple of weeks. All of my children then voluntarily requested to follow me and accepted my request back, I haven’t forced myself on them. I’ve noticed with my eldest DS who is 29, incredibly intelligent, a solicitor and generally a lovely guy that the posts he makes on instagram make me feel ashamed. It’s mainly the stories feature I have an issue with but for example in the last day he’s posted several from a night out and I’d say his behaviour is unacceptable.
There was one of him and all his friends clearly a bit drunk just being loud and noisy on a train platform, then a clip of his girlfriend doing a cartwheel on the platform, generally the type of behaviour that would make me feel a bit intimidated if I were waiting for a train.
Then on the train, them all being really loud, popping a bottle of champagne, listening to music out loud etc. just no respect for the people around them at all.
Then similar just what I’d call antisocial and disorderly behaviour while they were on their night out.
I am aware he’s an adult and I have no control over his behaviour but I’m quite ashamed to have raised someone behaving like this at 29.
AIBU to feel this way?

I agree with this

Delete the instagram account. It’s not bringing positivity to your life. It’s not making your relationships stronger with your kids. You can live without it.

He’s an idiot. Posting stuff like that online is a stupid thing to do, especially if you have a job like a solicitor. At 29 I would be appalled if he were my son.

Well clearly he's not "incredibly intelligent" or a "lovely guy", so you need to rethink those notions.

It is shameful behaviour and embarrassing for you, but there's not a lot you can do about it except tell him how it makes you feel.

This.

Find and follow the "autistic senco" she made a great post about being the woman in a green dress on Facebook .I'm not sure if she's on insta or how insta works but the post is about exactly such intimidating men on trains. You could just share her post.

Yes, my DS25 would be receiving some choice comments from me if I saw this, both in terms of the impact of that behaviour on others and the sheer idiocy of it being online and potentially accessible to clients and employers. He has no control over what people who are following him do with that material.

29 and behaving like this is sad and pathetic.

It wouldn't surprise me if they were all on cocaine too.

He sounds awful. I can’t stand those sort of people who are loud and take over everything in public places. The fact they do it to share on social media is pathetic.
He needs to grow up.

I would say something, I wouldn’t be able to not say anything. I’m sure he’s just got swept up with the group antics but especially at 29 he needs to be more considerate to this people around him.

He didn’t start this sort of behaviour when you got the Instagram account, it’s just that you are now aware of it and you weren’t aware before. He’s still the same person that he was before you knew all this. Unfollow him.

Young men behave like this all the time and being a solicitor is neither here nor there. However intelligent he is, and I doubt that his intelligence is not credible, given the ubiquity of the legal professions, off the scale intelligence doesn’t prevent a man from being a dick.

If he’s a solicitor he should know that the first thing lawyers do when taking a case or interviewing a job candidate is scour their socials for any incriminating insight…
Not sure about whatever legal body he’s reg’d to, but I know GMC/GDC would have a few things to say to a registrant with this profile and if any shit hit the fan, it would be perfect ballast for gross professional misconduct if the wanted to strike you off.
I’m not judging, we were bellends in our twenties too and I’ll say it again, thank god there wasn’t SM.
He should be FAR more discerning and I’d be speaking to him directly.
If he’s actually an estate agent, let him crack on.

It shows questionable judgment in two respects: firstly, by being drunk and disorderly.

I don't think anything OP has described comes anywhere near the bar for drunk and disorderly.

and secondly, by choosing to evidence such behaviour on social media. That, ladies and gentlemen, is pure muppetry.

It's a private account with a handful of followers he has individually approved, and posted via the story feature which disappears after a day.

I guess if you’ve told him what you think; that prospective clients and employers might see it; he keeps it doing it, then that’s who he is.

Mountain.......molehill

I wouldn't class a girl doing a cartwheel or people playing music loud as 'intimidating'

Agree. As a lone woman I'd probably have a little smile to myself about the platform stuff. Music out loud on public though is a crossing a line. But I still wouldn't see that as intimidating. Just inconsiderate.

I wouldn't post on social media, but Instagram stories do disappear.

Don't see why people say you aren't allowed to raise your views though just because he's an adult.

He's a bit old to be messing around like that. To me, that's more student age behaviour. So yes, I understand why you're embarrassed about his behaviour.

I think you and most relies here are over-reacting.

He is probably being a bit silly / irritating but nothing you describe reaches the threshold of intimidating or disorderly behaviour.

His account is private, nobody but his followers, who he approves, will see it.

Obviously if you felt this was an incredibly regular lifestyle to the detriment of his work and personal life, that would be different. But it sounds like it’s a few nights out as a 29 year old & within the bounds of what’s normal at the stage in life.

I’ve lived in London forever and it sounds like standard issue drunken behaviour on the tube. Doesn’t sound particularly intimidating, but quite stupid – especially cartwheeling on a tube platform, when you could easily fall onto the tracks. I suppose my parents would also have been shocked to see what I was getting up to in my 20s but the difference is I wasn’t sharing it online.

I don’t think anyone in London would be intimidated by a bunch of drunk lawyers drinking champagne on the night tube tbh!

It’s interesting how your perspective might change - how something a bit obnoxious but harmless can seem threatening to another generation.

What you describe is the sort of behaviour that looked quite normal walking home from Oxford balls (which were a rare excess).However, we were 18-21 years old then, and had grown out of it long before 29.

Last night, I was travelling through London at kicking-out time with my 10 year old. Our normal tube line was closed, so we had to go through Leicester Square and there was quite a crush - on the higher side than normal, but not alarmingly so. The thing that freaked her out though were the drunk groups of young men who’d obviously watched the rugby and stayed in town to celebrate. I hadn’t really noticed them as it was just “late weekend night background London noise” to me, but she was quite scared.

YANBU.

Call him out on it. My parents would. 'Hey son I saw those posts of you out the other night. Did you realise that you were acting like a twat and it was disrespectful to the people around you/on the train etc??' And see what he says. He may get offended or block you from his feed, but at least you've said your peace rather than stewing over it.

It's Instagram so you can leave embarrassing comments 😁 if it's in Stories, do you have a family group chat you could comment in?
'darling, that's not how I raised you'
'if you have more money than sense you can take your mum out for lunch'

Or on a more serious note:
'I don't think that lady behind you is enjoying all that noise'
'gosh I think you really worried that man'

Make his friends/siblings have a giggle with some public shaming. He'll probably only stop posting though, not change his behaviour.

If Instagram isn't adding to your life I would delete it or stop following your son. If he asks why then explain that his drunk antics left you feeling annoyed/disappointed etc. Many will say in their late 20s they did far worse. Alcohol didn't excuse your behaviour then and it doesn't excuse the op's son now. Some people have no choice to get the train home late at night. It's the reason my dad picks up my mum from work when she has a late shift because drunks are unpredictable.That being said tour son was acting daft but not violent so context is everything.

At 29 I would be expecting him to have outgrown this behaviour tbh.

It really doesn't sound that bad. Bunch of pearl clutching going on here.

If you don't want to see it, delete him.