Ashamed of the way DS is behaving

[Jensay]

Recently my youngest DD who is 20 convinced me to make an instagram account, I said yes and I’ve had it a couple of weeks. All of my children then voluntarily requested to follow me and accepted my request back, I haven’t forced myself on them. I’ve noticed with my eldest DS who is 29, incredibly intelligent, a solicitor and generally a lovely guy that the posts he makes on instagram make me feel ashamed. It’s mainly the stories feature I have an issue with but for example in the last day he’s posted several from a night out and I’d say his behaviour is unacceptable.
There was one of him and all his friends clearly a bit drunk just being loud and noisy on a train platform, then a clip of his girlfriend doing a cartwheel on the platform, generally the type of behaviour that would make me feel a bit intimidated if I were waiting for a train.
Then on the train, them all being really loud, popping a bottle of champagne, listening to music out loud etc. just no respect for the people around them at all.
Then similar just what I’d call antisocial and disorderly behaviour while they were on their night out.
I am aware he’s an adult and I have no control over his behaviour but I’m quite ashamed to have raised someone behaving like this at 29.
AIBU to feel this way?

I agree.

Unfollow him and when asked why, tell him that you thought you'd brought him up better than that.

People turn into raging arseholes when there's a phone camera around.

Or if he applied for another job

Have you said anything to him? I’d have no qualms telling my 20 something sons, in no uncertain terms, to quit the bad behaviour.

Honestly, the behaviour you describe really isn't that bad.

He’s clearly neither ‘intelligent’ or ‘a generally lovely guy’. If he were, he’d know he shouldn’t impose his annoying behaviour on other people. This behaviour is only passable from teens and young students.

I can’t stand men who act like this in the street or on public transport. It reeks of the entitlement.

I think it is. Loud anti social behaviour in public, especially on train platforms and in trains, can really affect people (like me). Any behaviour that negatively and selfishly encroaches on others is bad in my books.

More than likely it would go in one ear and out the other.

I’ve said to my 20 something son on a couple of occasions to stop being a twat, I’m sure he took no notice. I certainly wouldn’t and didn’t take any notice of my parents protests at that age.

I don't think you should say anything. At most I would make a passing comment "last night looked like a wild night" and see what his response is but he is an adult. He's also posting on his own private page, you can't police what other people post. If you don't like what you see, mute stories or unfollow.

Did you miss the part where there were women in the group too or....?

It's likely his company may have policies about social media - not sharing anything that can damage their reputation. Mine does. That's the angle I would go down. He will be annoyed but I don't think you can not say anything. Maybe just a subtle have you checked what your company says about what you can post online?

💯 this. I am struggling to see how the behaviour is intimidating, annoying for sure but why do you feel intimidated.

He’s a bit old for that

Tbh I don’t think mine would behave like that anyway on trains. Certainly not my younger one as he hates anything like.

I really hate it when people treat train platforms like playgrounds (the amount of parents who let their children run around them astonishes me and causes me terrible anxiety as I worry for the kids safety, even though their parents evidently don’t).

If I saw a grown woman doing cartwheels on a train platform I’d think she was mentally unstable.

I think you're completely overreacting and your response to this is verging on pearl-clutching. He sounds like a normal guy in his twenties who works hard all week and has enjoyed a night out. At some point in their lives, most people have a few too many to drink on a Saturday night, get a bit jolly and fancy a sing-song or become louder than usual. He has a mere 70 friends on his private instagram, I highly doubt anybody will rat him out to his employer (who I doubt would care about their employee becoming louder than usual while drunk).

It just sounds like young people having fun. I don't think anything there sounds like it would make the average person feel intimidated. Have you ever travelled on the train at night? Drunk and rowdy people aren't unusual. I'd say it only becomes intimidating if one of them is being aggressive.
I think being ashamed is a massive overreaction and very unfair of you to say about the DS you describe as a lovely guy.

I would probably say something to my child if I saw that on Instagram, like watch how you behave on public transport be aware there’s other people around and of anything that could potentially get you into trouble considering your profession, but apart from that I wouldn’t give it much more thought.

A girl doing a cartwheel and playing music isn’t what I’d be intimidated about on a train.

You probably had an idea of him because of his career etc and now you’re seeing a version of him that you didn’t imagine but he’s only human and no one behaves perfectly all the time.

If he's got 70 followers then it's not really private Op, it only takes one to say the wrong thing on their public feed for it to spread far and wide. At 29 he's a bit old for showing off like a teenager, you're his Mum, who better to point that out?

This we live on a train line out of London and joke about the drunk trains coming back - and it isn’t just young groups there can be those in their 40s/50s on a fairly regular basis

and I think it has been normalised in the sense that everyone pretty much ignores it and it never crosses a line

weirdly (and it does sound slightly counterintuitive) but you can feel safer because you know when it is lighthearted and fun

this isn’t new or just UK DS favourite 2000 sitcom has a whole episode about the drunk train from manhattan to Long Island

This is a classic case of it’s best not to know what our adult children get up to. I’d just ignore it. In the scheme of things his behaviour is not that bad. If I saw that I’d just think they were a bunch of friends that had a good night out. They probably work hard and party hard. If you think that’s bad you haven’t experienced Newcastle on a Saturday night!
Thankfully all my drunken shenanigans took place before social media!

To me it would make sense to disagree or disapprove of what he's doing (although there are much worse things he could be doing), but not to be ashamed. You didn't make him behave like this, he decided to independently as an adult. You have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for.

I agree with this. Obviously the behaviour sounds irritating but a group of 20 somethings people being a bit loud on the train and a bit drunk seems fairly normal to me and more annoying than intimidating unless they were directly interacting with others in a way that might feel threatening. .

I'd find the cartwheel alarming but more that I'd be worried a drunk person doing that on a tube platform might really hurt themselves or someone else but if they only did it once I wouldn't find it too bad in fact it might make me a bit wistful for when i was younger and did some bloody idiotic things.

I appreciate I may be unusual on this though

I hate seeing my children drunk. It just gives me the ick somehow. Especially my youngest who becomes a bit of a dick after a few drinks. Thankfully none of them drink often but it’s not nice

I don’t think you are. I’m nearly 50 and this thread is honestly making me rethink MN. People out living it up being judged by older women on the internet actually feels like a modern day version of church shaming from the 1950s. It is actually more uncomfortable reading that I participate in these conversations than the actually 20 somethings out living their lives, being annoying and boisterous but so what. Being part of the gossipy, judgy older woman class sits far more uncomfortably with me. I’d prefer to be living it large with the 20 somethings except my hip would give out or something.

I would find it irritating from a 18 yo but be more understanding. 29 is way to old not to be aware he is being an obnoxious twat.

As others have said, I think it would be best to say something about his behaviour isn't acceptable. I'm not sure "intimidating" is the main issue, it's just plainly disrespectful to everyone else around him.

I would also unfollow him if he continues to post things like this.