Ashamed of the way DS is behaving

[Jensay]

Recently my youngest DD who is 20 convinced me to make an instagram account, I said yes and I’ve had it a couple of weeks. All of my children then voluntarily requested to follow me and accepted my request back, I haven’t forced myself on them. I’ve noticed with my eldest DS who is 29, incredibly intelligent, a solicitor and generally a lovely guy that the posts he makes on instagram make me feel ashamed. It’s mainly the stories feature I have an issue with but for example in the last day he’s posted several from a night out and I’d say his behaviour is unacceptable.
There was one of him and all his friends clearly a bit drunk just being loud and noisy on a train platform, then a clip of his girlfriend doing a cartwheel on the platform, generally the type of behaviour that would make me feel a bit intimidated if I were waiting for a train.
Then on the train, them all being really loud, popping a bottle of champagne, listening to music out loud etc. just no respect for the people around them at all.
Then similar just what I’d call antisocial and disorderly behaviour while they were on their night out.
I am aware he’s an adult and I have no control over his behaviour but I’m quite ashamed to have raised someone behaving like this at 29.
AIBU to feel this way?

Exactly.

Do you think that'd be telling him anything he doesn't already know? He's 29 and a solicitor, of course he knows that nothing on social media is fully private.

Maybe the fact that he was happy to post it suggests that the behavior wasn't as objectionable as OP thinks, and his employer wouldn't give a shit?

A bit mortifying, OP. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.

Mind you, if I could do a cartwheel I'd be doing it everywhere! Bus stops, supermarkets etc 🤡

Twatty behaviour aside, surely if he’s a solicitor, drunken and disorderly conduct is not a good look professionally if he were to be arrested or to get himself into some sort of legal trouble.

Have a day off

My own feeling is that lots of my friends kids have severe mental health issues, have serious drinking issues, one crashed a car last night, and most of them are on drugs.

Your son is in a great job, has a girlfriend and is getting a bit pissed on a night out with his own money, that’s all!!! You lucky duck!!

I imagine you did a lot worse when you were young? I hope you did.

@Obeseandashamed I really respect you for volunteering with the Street Angels. It's a really selfless thing to do giving up your time to do something like that.
It must be really difficult.

Yup. Believe me, a cartwheel and opening a bottle of sparkling wine on a train isn't intimidating anyone in london. Likely outcome is they were being laughed at or will be decked by someone actually intimidating.

Did you always behave responsibly and respectfully on nights out in your twenties with your mates?

The saddest thing here is that he’s posting it all to instagram at his big age

My concern - disappointment aside - would be that although his account is ‘private’ any of his permitted followers can actually see and record and/or screenshot his posts… and should they be shared in a way that senior partners at his firm or future clients [or employers] see them, then they are career damaging. I have no idea why people of his age still seem to not understand that ANYTHING shared on social media is out there and accessible for ever. For a bright lad, he is being very foolish.

Lairy behaviour is annoying to everyone else but your son and his friends are not doing anything terrible. Leave instagram and let your adult son enjoy himself without you disapproving.

From the title I expected criminal, this is antisocial but give it a few years and he’ll probably grow out of it.

What's "career damaging" about having a couple of drinks and listening to music on a train? 😂

Lots of corporate and employment people will be unimpressed by raucous drinking on public transport - the legal profession is extremely conservative. So, yes, of course it is potentially career damaging.

ETA - not least because drinking alcohol on many train lines, TfL for example, is actually illegal…

I think I'd say something like "looks like you had a good time the other night. Glad I wasn't on that train with you though, id have felt pretty imtimidated" and then see how the conversation goes from there. You can't 'tell him off' but you can share your opinion as you would with any other adult you had something to say to and he may reflect on what you say.

I’m sure we’d be mortified if our parents had seen us on a night out in our 20s.

I wouldn’t say anything or he may restrict your access.

However, as a solicitor, he should be v careful what he posts, even on privacy settings. Only takes one thoughtless/petty/vindictive ‘friend’ to share something which could be deemed a civil or criminal offence, e.g. ‘anti-social behaviour’.

Really? Because in my experience, it's the corporate types who are normally the ones doing the drinking 😂

Honestly, as my teenage niece would say "it's not that deep".

Thought you were going to say he was sharing flag-shagger videos.
He's young.

I loathe people behaving like this on trains. Anti social, boorish and intimidating for everyone around particularly women, children and elderly people. I’d definitely bollock my adult son for such behaviour and tell him how ashamed I was.

It is if they can’t get a job in future because of their digital footprint. In my DH’s profession HR absolutely deep-search SM. To have anything other than a totally clean SM presence if you are in a ‘profession’ is naive at best and utter stupidity at worst.

And ‘breaking the law’, however benign you may personally feel it is, is a no-no for a legal professional. So yes, they may DO it, but they are not total bloody idiots to share it on SM.., which was the point I was making and what OP needs to flag to her DS.

It’s disgusting behaviour!!!

I’ve never been able to do a cartwheel!! 😡

Stories are only up for 24 hours, so anyone searching his online presence down the line won't be able to see them.

We're talking about a 29 year old man, not a 14 year old boy - it's up to him what he puts on his own social media and it's his decision as to how he behaves in public with his friends, not his mum's.

At 29, however you raised him, he’s old enough to make good and bad decisions about his behaviour. You aren’t responsible though I’m sure it’s mortifying. Many people’s children go in a direction they don’t recognise. Older, wiser people won’t judge you because they know there but for the grace of God etc.

The post is about whether she’s being unreasonable to be ashamed of her son. So that’s my answer.

Cut the sarcasm. It’s unnecessary.