Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

That's not really raising her though, it's doing your husband's job for him.

Do you get on well with her? I mean enough to expect an invitation?

YABU

What's stopping you from suggesting that you and your partner take your step daughter out to celebrate too?

I think YABU. You have a place in her life but it’s not as her parent. In your position I would choose not to take the comment personally.

Not really, we don’t get along, so you’re probably right, I shouldn’t be there anyway.

That is an annoying comment for him to make. So the two people that have given her a split and dysfunctional family get to take her out and pretend they have been wonderful family! Brilliant!

Yeah it just seems strange to be going out the two of them with my step daughter when they both have partners, why not the four of us go out?

Or two people who divorced but stayed civil enough to treat their daughter to a meal for her 18th birthday, want to do just that.

Why are you making things up like they're going to 'pretend they have been a wonderful family'? 😳

Totally agree. If not all of you, perhaps two nights out so that you can all celebrate. After all you have contributed to her upbringing as well.

Because the partners aren’t her parents and as you’ve said, you don’t get on with her. It’ll be nice for the birthday girl to have both her parents there.

I just think it would be nice for the four parents and my step daughter to go out. Why just the biological ones?

Why have you acted as a free nanny and done DH's work for him? Was she born without hands that she can't tidy her own room? Did you marry a useless pathetic excuse for a man who can't cook clean or do laundry? And shielded him from any actual practicalities of parenthood? More fool you. They've raised their child teaching her their own attitudes of using people selfishly, and you've gone along with it for 9 years and have only just noticed that you were being played. I don't mean to be uncaring but you could have chosen a path of self-respect from the get-go.

How would it be nice if you don't get on with her mother?

Yes, probably not, especially as it is her 18th.
It must be awkward.
How long have you not got along?

I do get on with her mother

Because the biological ones are her parents, the others aren’t. And you don’t get on. Don’t make it about you because it’s not.

My ex husband and I took our daughter out for lunch on her 18th. Without our son, without my husband and without ex husbands wife. I don’t think it’s odd. We also did separate meals, DH, DD, DS and I, and ex husband did the same with his wife and our DD and DS.

She’s never wanted to do anything with me. I know I’m the adult but whenever I’ve said I’ll buy her anything or take her anywhere she always says no. She wouldn’t even give me her phone number after a time I couldn’t find her at school pick up as she’d gone with a friend.

This isn't really about you op so not sure why you'd expect an invitation.
Unfortunately you put a lot of effort into taking care of this young lady and have discovered how little it has been valued by your husband and his daughter, a common problem that women need learn about before becoming a step parent.

I'm confused now.

Who were you talking about when you said "Not really, we don’t get along, so you’re probably right, I shouldn’t be there anyway."?

Kindly, YABU. i'm sure your DSD would love a meal with mum and dad and that is what is important. Of course you have played a role in DSDs life but you are not her parent. Try not to let one comment get to you.

Oh wait, you were talking about your step daughter?

Then why on earth would you expect an invitation to her 18th birthday meal? 🤦‍♀️

I think she means her SD, which makes her thinking she should be at the meal even more baffling.

So you don't get along with your DSD? Why on earth would expect her to celebrate her birthday with you?

You're making this about you OP when it is her birthday.

My step daughter sorry

yeah I’m sure my step daughter would have a better time without me there. I’ve tried to have a relationship but she’s never wanted one.