Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

She’s hardly going to tell you “it’ll be nice if you aren’t there” is she.

Its not about you . You are trying to make it in to something its not.
Its about her 18th birthday .
And it sounds like she would like it just her mum and dad .

I think that's unfair. Not all separated parents are a "shit dysfunctional family". My daughter's dad and I will always be a good family even though we are not together romantically and don't cohabit, and we are not remotely dysfunctional. We do stuff like spend Xmas together as a three (not every year, but when she asks us to we do) and so I very much imagine we'll be together for dd's 18th. And if either of us has a partner then, they wouldn't be invited to a specific meal for the three of us unless DD particularly wanted them there. (Though it there was a larger celebration for extended family members we might well invite them).

OP, I do understand why you might feel a little left out, if you are close to your stepdaughter. My ex and his ex wife took my grown up step son out for his 25th and didn't invite me, even though he and I were particularly close at that point as I was supporting him through some MH stuff, and in fact at certain points in the meal he texted me and sent me pictures of his food (we share an interest in vegetarian cooking)

However, when I sat back and thought about it, I realised that, though I did have a special role in his life, I was NOT his parent (or parent equivalent - not saying it's all about biology). He already had two of those. And it was totally appropriate for the three of them to have a special celebration just for them. If others had been invited and I hadn't, that would have been different!

Because this is how step-mothers are brainwashed into becoming free nannies, both by their partners and places like MN.

It’s too late now but this is why most parenting should be left to the parent.

Stop running around after her.

Well yeah, if you let yourself get into a position where you've done all her cooking, cleaning and laundry and let your husband off the hook, that's exactly what happened.

Do you at least get to enjoy a SAHM lifestyle in exchange for doing all the labour for him?

If you don’t get along why would you want / expect an invite?

Because the partners are not parents. They are celebrating the child they created together and the milestone they have achieved. Having partners there changes the dynamic and focus.

I would just stand back from this and plan your own day out, for your partner and their daughter to celebrate along with you.

I think it’s a lovely idea for the mum and dad to take her out for a meal together.

how can you say you’ve raised her if you don’t even have a relationship with her.

Why do you think step parents should be there? I think it's perfectly natural for her actual parents to go out for her 18th birthday meal, she's their child.

If she doesn't like you why would you want to make it awkward for her by being there anyway. It's her birthday, not a thank you dinner for you having done her washing etc( more fool you).

She may change her attitude to you as she grows up, or maybe she won't. But she probably views you as dispensable, if you and her father split she'd never see you again whereas her parents will always be in her life. You can't make someone love you, even if you try very hard. She was a child when you came into her life soon after her parents split, she already had a mother and didn't need another woman to take on that role when she was with her father.

She doesn’t like you OP. So she doesn’t want you there for her birthday.

Because bottom line, it’s just not about you

Because they're her parents? I'm sure she's appreciative of you but with all due respect you're not her mum. It's kind of nice they still all want to do something together. Do another meal together just you three as well without her mum involved.

I can understand how you feel OP - it must have seemed a thankless role for a long time, but these things sometimes turn out that way.

But looking on the bright side, it's now basically over. You know where you stand with her and now that she's an adult, you no longer have to "try to be nice" in the face of her coldness, and can essentially ignore her. Get on with enjoying your own life and be thankful you no longer need to be part of hers.

Because those are the only ones your step daughter is interested in, and it’s her birthday.

This is something for your DSD to celebrate her milestone birthday with her parents. Her stepmother who she doesn't care for does not belong there. I'm sure it's not your fault OP, she just didn't bond with you because of her own issues. But even if you were close I don't think it would be out of order for you to be excluded from this.

So why on earth do you expect to be at her 18th meal with her mum and her dad?!? Doesn’t sound like you have helped to raise her, and she’s resented having to share her dad with you.

It’s her 18th - stop making it about you. If you’ve always been this way inclined I’m not surprised she dislikes you TBH.

They’re her parents and I think it’ll be lovely for her as they can eg talk about when she was born etc but really not nice to say the 18 years thing as yes you were there for her x

It may not go ahead ..I'm sure the new partner of mum is probably feeling the same as you ..
It does feel a bit odd as a suggestion.. Id be surprised if it actually happens.
If your DH pays for it ,that's coming out of your money too .
I'd suggest he rethinks and invites all 4 parents

I'm actually surprised at some of the replies
I had a step mum and a step dad ..in the 1980s ...god help me if I'd been anything but polite and gracious for anything they did for me .
So ..op ..what did your husband do ,each time she was rude and ungrateful to you ..why did you marry him when he didn't tackle her behaviour..did you think by being kind and nice she would come round and like you ..
I totally hated my step mum and she hated me ..but living with her the possibility of me being rude or sulking or stroppy,would of had me knocked in to the middle of next week
I'm sorry you husband allowed his daughter to be rude to you and ungrateful to you ..and I'm sorry he's still doing that now with the meal suggestions

Because maybe she wants to go out with her parents and not just their partners as well? That changes the dynamic.

When did society change so much ..that people think it is ok for a child to be rude , dismissive,and ungrateful towards an adult...what happened to manners ,do we not teach that any more at home ???

Even if you got on really well with your step daughter, I don’t thing there’s anything strange about her wanting a birthday meal with just her actual parents. The fact that you don’t get on well with her makes it even less strange.

If you feel unappreciated, then have words with your husband. But they are not being unreasonable in going out for the meal just the three of them.

I would imagine your sd has said she doesn't want you there but has asked mum and dad not to say

This is on dh who has allowed this for the past 8 years.

I think you know the reason is because you don't get along with your stepdaughter.

But you could offer to arrange another event which includes the step parents too. It's not unusual to have more than one birthday celebration.