Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

That's tough, nothing you can do, maybe as she matures she'll realise that her behaviour was unkind. 💐
Organise something for yourself on the night.

You don’t get on with your stepdaughter but want to go along to a meal for her birthday? To cause an atmosphere or because you feel you have “a right”? Why not let her have a celebration with her parents?

You're being really mad OP. You don't like her and she doesn't like you. Leave the kid alone to enjoy her birthday with her parents who I presume do like her.

So why do you think you should be invited then?

Honestly, I could understand a bit more if her mum's partner was invited but you weren't.

But I don't understand why you think your SD would want you there when you don't get along.

I’ve never once shouted at her or told her off, an example; I took her to the theatre but she obviously didn’t want to be there I asked her if she wanted snacks and she said no so I queued for some for me. Then we sat down and was looking at my snacks so I gave her them as she obviously wanted them.
she says no to everything I ask.

She hasn’t been “unkind” ffs. I doubt she asked for her parents to introduce new partners at 8/9/10 years old.

Because it's not about you or the other step parent. It's about the 18 year old having a nice meal with just both of her parents which by the sounds of it isn't somthing that happens often

Jesus's christ that poor girl

I think it can be hard for children who live with step parents. As she gets older, she may realise it was hard for you too, but just remember that for a child dealing with their parents breakup, sharing their parent with someone new etc can feel shit, especially when he met you so soon after breaking up with her mum.

I didn’t want anything to do with my step parents. They didn’t really do anything wrong, they just weren’t my parents and I’d rather they hadn’t been around. I can see how that would have been hard for them now that I’m an adult, but as a child, I didn’t really get it and it wasn’t really something I thought about.

No, but she didn't have to be rude or take her frustration out on OP, she has two parents who are responsible for her life.

thanks. I know she didn’t have a choice so I’ve never forced a relationship on her, I’ve given her anything she wants but she didn’t want it which is fine.
i just feel like I’ve been a free nanny for 9 years.

The only thing I can add to this post, as a wife of 30 years , a step mum of 35 years, you won't ever ace a father/daughter bond

And if that's what's planned , then that's what it is

I do get the free childcare aspect - been there, got the tee shirt as well as being the guarantor for rent/loans etc and child care when the grandkids came along

Ive been living with a cancer scare the past 3 months , Not one word has she spoke or text me,

As I say, 30+ years, I know how it goes and I can myself be very manipulative to swing things my way.

Decide if hes worth it, Decide on how much you are prepared to be second place and decide what you can put up with

Remember though, doing those things were your choice and shouldn’t come with any expectation, other than her being civil of course, because as you say, she didn’t have a choice. If you feel you were taken for granted, your issue was and is with your husband.

Continue to be civil, but she’s 18 now, live your life!

i just feel like I’ve been a free nanny for 9 years.

That's down to your husband though

And you for doing it, obviously.

Yeah I don’t have a problem with her at all, she don’t organise this meal. It’s the two biological
parents not thinking of inviting their partners out too

But you say your stepdaughter would prefer you not to be there. And it's her birthday. So better for her to go out with her mum and dad. If stepdad also being excluded you have no reason to complain.

But she is their daughter and they know that you don’t really get on with her, so it wouldn’t be right to invite you. Even if you did get on well, it’s still nice for her to have just her parents there with her for this milestone.

Honestly, this will eat you up if you take it personally. If you’ve always shown her kindness, then put it down to her being a child, immature and just struggling with having step parents in general because it won’t be against you in particular.

Her parents are the ones that have fucked her life up, you cant help that. Offer to take her out another time if you wish to, otherwise let them get on with it. None of it is your fault.

And I would maybe tell your husband how you’re feeling, because regardless of how your SD feels about you, if he has let you care for his daughter, pick her up from school, do her washing etc, then HE owes you a big thank you. He should acknowledge what you have done and should have done so already over the years because you took that pressure off of him.

Yes you have. But that’s your husband’s fault.

I think you could see "raised her til 18" as meaning got her all the way from conception through to adulthood. That's just the two of them. Sounds like a special occasion where they can share some memories with their daughter.

I'm sure she loves and appreciate you too OP but I can see why they might take this one event as a threesome. I hope you'll celebrate however you want to too, but I would make it separate.

(And I don't think you've been a free nanny - I'm sure the relationship is much deeper than that, and I don't think the lack of an invitation means anyone sees you that way).

I think you answered your own question - you don’t get along with the daughter so why would either of you want to have a celebratory dinner together?

The mother made this comment not the father

I agree! OP is being hard done by here. As usual the man is overlooking the work his wife has put in and looking at another woman (one that he couldn’t even make a relationship work with) with rose tinted glasses. It’s a weird dynamic anyway, most 18 year olds wouldn’t be that bothered about a meal out with just their Mum and Dad especially divorced ones! The fact that OP doest’t get along with the ex makes going out as a three disrespectful IMO, if the daughter had made the request I might feel differently but it’s all him and then he makes a comment like that? Men, hate them.

It’s not that we hate each other we just don’t have a loving relationship, which I would have wanted. She always felt like she was dishonouring her mum if she showed me any emotion.