Step daughters 18th meal

[Bitterfromthesweet]

My husband spilt from his ex 10 years ago. They have a daughter together. I have been with my husband for 9 years.
She is coming up to her 18th birthday and my husband’s ex suggested the two of them take their daughter out for dinner as they have “raised her to 18”

I didn’t see a problem with the meal but this comment has annoyed me, as I have also been in her life for 9 years. I took her out when she wanted to go when she was younger, picked her up from school, gave her all her meals, tidied her room, done her washing etc.

This has made me feel like a free nanny for 9 years.
Maybe I’m over reacting. I don’t want to go to the meal, it would be weird, but an invite would have been nice.

Well there’s your answer.
You’re not invited to her birthday because she doesn’t like you.

Because they are the two who love her.

It's her day. She wants to spend it with the people who love her.

The fact you describe it as ‘the two of them with my step-daughter’ instead of ‘the two of them with their daughter’ is quite telling, IMO.

You may have done these things but you are not her mother. You can take her for another meal, can’t you? How lucky is she to have the support of all these people in her life.

It is baffling isn't it, an adult speaking about a child like that. And now the whole poor me martyring act. Why do some adults expect children to be more regulated/have more emotional maturity than they themselves are capable of.

Op , can you not see that wanting nothing from you was a way to try and take control of this woman who possibly in her mind had taken her dad from her mum, or away from her? And to say - I never shouted at her - why would you shout at her? That's a low bar.

It’s not about the SD’s thanklessness. She’s young and may mature to appreciate you more. The hurt has 100% come from his thoughtless comment. Making you feel like a mug. Talk to him.

Why would you be invited? You aren't wanted by your SD who you clearly have no relationship with. Baffling.

Why do you even want to attend, OP?

Because she’s jealous of her husband and his ex wife spending any time together, even for their daughter’s 18th.

It’s perfectly normal for an 18 year old to go out with her DPs for her birthday. We took DS out. It’s a celebration about her reaching adulthood. It’s not about showing how inclusive she can be and how super all the step parents get on. It’s her meal, about her. I think it’s nice that her DPs can get on well enough to have a meal just the three of them.

I would invite someone who didn’t like my daughter to her birthday meal either.

I personally don't think it's odd at all. Ultimately, they are her parents, and it's healthy for them to have a stronger bond.

It's great that the parents can put their differences aside to be here for her for an important milestone.

Doesn't sound very healthy

It would be weirder to invite you when stepdaughter doesn't get on with you. Possibly they have been considerate by also not inviting step dad (mums partner) to keep it even.

So you don’t get on with her and expect to go to a dinner to celebrate the birthday? YABVU.

OP my parents divorced when I was10 and my father remarried though my mother didn't. From time to time I can remember spending time with my parents, who were on good terms, but without my stepmother. My stepmother didn't like it very much when it happened and created tension about it which I picked up on and which felt oppressive, especially when I got dragged into it - for example, I remember my father coming to chop some wood for my mother, for which he took off his watch & rolled his sleeves up. Afterwards he forgot his watch when he left, so my mother told me to give it to him next time I saw him. I did so in front of my stepmother, referring to the wood-chopping afternoon, and the atmosphere was immediately tense - she hadn't known he'd been over to do that and was clearly displeased.

These sorts of incidents made my childhood uneasy & miserable. I did not dislike my stepmother but, rather like your stepdaughter, felt a certain betrayal of my mother if I enjoyed myself with her. It was a confusing & unhappy time.

She died in 2021 by which time I had known her for 50 years and had come to love her. She had many very good qualities.

It can be hard for stepchildren

I have two step sons (both my partners had a son each from previous relationships).

It's a minefield and often works best if the adult is prepared to sometimes accept that they are a bit put upon.
No one doubts you've put in the hard miles, but I think it's reasonable for an 18 year old not to want the step mother, who she doesn't get on with, to be absent from her celebration.
Just run with it. It's only a meal out.

The reason you feel like a free nanny is because you have been a free nanny for 9 years.

I voted YANBU until I read your update about not getting along with SD. Why do you want to go if you don't get along with her? Let them crack on without you.

It wouldn't be nice for the person who matters most - SD on her special day - as she will be aware of tensions between the adults.
Arrange another meal/extra celebration.

Op this is down to your dp it was his role to do all of those things not yours. I expect his daughter knows it. But is taking it out on you. Let them go for the meal. I think it is nice for children with separated parents to occasionally do things together because they chose to have her.

Me and my ex have taken our kids for 18th birthday meals. I can’t stand him on a day to day basis but we have a nice time at these type of events, not pretending. He didn’t make the comment, the mother did.

The obvious answer is you and your dh also take her somewhere. Why would you want to be there with his ex if you don’t even get on?

An invite would have been nice but the mother is trying to plan something her daughter would like so your feelings aren't paramount here. She hasn't invited her partner either so it's not even like she's just excluding you.

A meal with just her parents sounds like something the girl has grown up not having much of so this will probably be lovely for her.

Why do you think your ‘right’ to be there trumps her wishes for how she celebrates a milestone birthday? No wonder she doesn’t like you if you’ve just centred yourself for the entire nine years you’ve known her.

So who is that you don't get on with? If its the stepdaughter then ofcourse you wont be wanted or invited